I refuse to participate in horoscope talk because then it won't come true

They should change the biathlon so they're skiing while being shot at

The fucking fascists at the gym wont let you light a scented candle

About to do a funky bowel groovement

Abodes used to be humbler

In game of thrones they're always saying "the seven" as short for 7-11

Someone's lighting off fireworks for Family Day, sure, yeah, whatever

Going Redwall mode (serious mouse problem)

Observing Family Day by going to my parents' house to fix their printer

Cum is sort of like an easter egg for savvy genital users

Pulling out my wallet to pay on a date and "accidentally" dropping a extra-large size dental dam 👀

Stuff at the grocery store is fucked because of shrimpflation

Solemnly drinking a dire coke

Sleep psoriasis demon

Game for me, my angel of gaming!!!

They just invented a new flavour of coke callled pipsie and I wouldn't even know about it if I didn't watch the big game so whos fucking stupid now

(Swinging a pocket watch) you are getting stinky... you getting very stinky...

It's a bit fun to remember the hot sick feeling I used to get when someone would bring up sex or drugs or alcohol when I had no experience

Sorry that I emit a barely-audible high-pitched tone

Big thing today, right? 9/11 or something?

(putting you in my crisper) get crisped lol

2026 Whimper Olympics

they're making a melania video game

Damn is that a whole bunch of bugs crawling around in your pants or are you just happy to see me

We all have that friend with a huge dick who dick-dials you all the time

Nationalism is a cancer but they should still make everyone stand up and listen to a bad and annoying song before every sports game

It's bad luck to say mcdonalds, you're supposed to call it The Scottish Restaurant

28 Beers Later: The Beer Temple

They call me niceman the first thing you need to know is that I'm the #1 nicest guy here at airplane school

Last night I really yelled at a car, I don't know what came over me, I don't do that a lot, it had tinted windows, I could see that someone inside was trying to gesture something across, but I couldn't make it out

They're playing "don't think twice it's all right" at mcdonalds but the only other customer has headphones on, I'm staring at the cashier's shirt because the logo is wrong, whatever

They should make cinnamon raisin hotdog buns

Getting high and eating a midnight salad

I used to wear a leather jacket and have cigarettes, hang out with real lowlife scumbags playing dozens of dragons

Every night my home smells like there's dead rats in the walls but luckily it's only dead mice probably

At ikea trying to exchange my bed for 10 or so kg of smoked salmon

*car commercial voice* We JUST Invented A NEW Car

Video clip more like video clip-clop because this shit is for horses!!!

Unpopular new years opinion: if you didn’t do good enough this year you have to stay back and repeat it while all your friends move on to next year

It's on computer. It's literally on computer. Go to computer. Go watch it on computer. Go on computer. The computer. It's on computer, it's literally on computer.

I basically never jack off aside from edge cases

Yeah whatever

Another beautiful 90s day being the ace of base, and now to record my new song about the classic christmas movie, that one with Jimmy Stewart, I'm pretty sure I remember what it's called

Fuck I gotta go to walmart and get some jeans before it closes for 1 day

Like a sailor in a big green VOTE

(During sex, pitching my voice up) gee whiz, mister, you’re really giving that thing what for

This fuckin year yeesh (remembering that I've been making my dick bigger with gas station pills) not bad over all

It’s actually called plurbius

Getting high as fuck and watching my so-called life and I’m freaking out I think there’s a Jordan Catalano outside my house

Shabbat was so awkward, I had to tell everyone I’m Christian now because of a movie I watched the day before (The Santa Clause)