So like 14 different shootings happened this weekend I thought we were having a snow day

A big thing we teach Edie is that we treat everyone w kindness and respect which is all well and good except now every time I tell the dog to move she yells at me for not being respectful

We have built a snowman, had a snowball fight, made snow angels, walked to the post office to mail Christmas cards to our grandparents, we have gone sledding, we have watched Christmas movies and we shoveled the whole driveway and sidewalk and I am out of goddamned ideas for this snow day deliver me

Finding out a bunch of British people have been eating dish soap for the past 50+ years honestly explains so much about that island

Edie’s picture she mailed to Santa

I love screen time discourse because it’s always a childless person saying the most ridiculous shit about screen time for kids while staring at their phone for 20 hours a day deep frying their own brain. Put your air mask on first, beloved!

Every couple of months I remember there are people - some I even like! - who think when you got out to dinner with friends you should pay for individual items instead of splitting the bill evenly and I genuinely wonder who raised you people

I just learned about this scam targeting American teens called “sextortion” where Nigerian scammers pretend to be a 17 year old girl to teen boys to get them to send nudes and then blackmail them with them and obviously awful but I need to know why you would kill yourself over a dick pic

Question - if you’re a man with a brother did you guys wrestle/fight as kids and at what age did it start that you remember and like. Why did you do that.

By far the hardest part of being friends with me is that 98% of the time I’m just doing a bit where I act out the most hysterical, self involved reaction possible because I think it’s very funny and everyone thinks I’m being serious and that’s even funnier to me

The arc of the cultural universe is long but it leans towards wokeness Is this anything

One of those mom Twitter accounts who got mad at me because I said they were annoying and their husbands were useless now has a new boyfriend / husband and I’m sorry but I was 100% right bc WHAT DO U MEAN YOURE IMPRESSED HE PUT YOUR CHILDREN TO BED? THEY ARE ALSO HIS CHILDREN??????

It’s so cold out this morning I bought a heated blanket for my car at 5:06am

I need to know if the epidemic of professional athletes and rappers getting women they do not want to be attached to pregnant is because these dudes refuse to pull out or if they just have the worst pull out game known to man. Surely pulling out is better than paying $600k in child support payments?

Patrick Swayze had to be bananas good at sex man his hips

Also it’s national cookie day according to Edie’s daycare and Dunkin’ Donuts so last night Edie and I made sugar cookies and decorated them for her class I am this weeks best mom sorry guys try again next week

I forgot my engagement ring at home because I took it off to put on sunscreen and then got distracted and now I feel like I’m walking around nude but not in a sexy way in a I’m sweating from puking so hard from a hangover so I have to get naked and lie on the bathroom floor way

I am obviously guilty of all the behaviors laid out here but wow this was a great read fatherkarine.substack.com/p/the-anti-c...

We need to talk about the implosion of Rihanna’s sense of red carpet style because this is insane what the fuck is going on

I think a lot of how I will teach Edie to be wary of men and their intentions but honestly I think the only lesson you need to teach is throughout life many men will claim they love you so much they would die for you and yet, as each year passes, all those men will somehow still be alive. Curious.

December 2nd and my car is already taking 15 minutes to warm up it’s never been more over

Edie woke up this morning and told me she never wants to go to school ever again because it’s not even fun and like girl I get it no one enjoys a Monday but not even fun?! A literal pony came to visit your classroom I do not believe you.

As a former heavy smoker the amount of judgment I have for parents who smoke is honestly excessive like I get it smoking is the best and having kids is stressful too fucking bad! Get some nicotine gum and some patches and get the fuck over it! You’re KILLING YOUR CHILDREN

My favorite winter shoe brand no longer ships to America because of the tariffs and like what more can Trump take from me 😭

They’re beautiful 😭

Post partum my periods have been psychotic so Matt got me this portable tens thing for cramps and oh my god it’s my favorite thing I’m in love

I could be under 21 you don’t know maybe I was a child bride and have the Benjamin button aging disease!!!! It could happen!!!!!!

it’s me a fashion icon

Has anyone else heard this story of these kids beating up a pregnant woman and her kids in Chicago

I am really enjoying kentheman right now but like I just gotta bob my head to the beat because these lyrics are not white woman friendly 😅😅

If I’m being 100% honest I’ve never once had a baked Mac and cheese that was as good as a box of Annie’s

As the holidays approach it is important I remind you all that your kids teachers don’t want landfill garbage for Christmas they want cold hard cash in a card they can use to gamble in Atlantic city

I realize that everyone probably feels this way about their child but like I’m actually right my kid is the cutest child alive

Something id like to talk about is how these bbls - even the very, very good ones you might not have originally detected 👀👀- obviously age insanely as these women gain weight with age. Like where you had fat added becomes preposterous even if it was proportional when you got the procedure.

Cooking advice I saw once from A chef that said 1/4 a teaspoon is not a measurement and anytime you see 1/4 teaspoon in a recipe you should just use 1/2 teaspoon really changed my life

I am in charge of the stuffing this year which means so far I have spatchcocked and roasted a turkey to use it’s carcass to make turkey stock, I handpicked chestnuts from a local farm that I’m roasting, I bought 2 types of sourdough bread from the local bakery, homemade sausage from the butcher

Edie goes for her first ski lesson today can I get “let’s go Edie” going in the chat

The pictures of the culprits coupled with their plot to overtake an island of 87,000 people with just two guys who have no military or maritime experience has really confronted me with a very difficult question: is physiognomy real?

I’m interested in finding out who megan thee stallions tailor is for these court outfits because she looks amazing

I bought an incredible shirt at the show last night

My photo app decided to jump scare my morning with a selfie of me when I was 9 months pregnant and pregnancy had ruined my skin and I just want anyone out there who has damaged as fuck skin from pregnancy or otherwise to know that through expensive dermatology all things are possible 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

There’s tiktok drama about some woman lying to her comedian husband that she was a virgin when they met and it turns out that was a lie and honestly, good for her. Virginity is made up. I’m going to tell people I’m a married virgin with a daughter. You cannot beat my ass so what are you gonna do!!!!

The most interesting part of the Olivia Nuzzi scandal is that she obviously tried to fuck Joe Biden and he turned her down and she was NOT PLEASED

Who has started making their stock for Thanksgiving

We need to talk about Olivia Nuzzi’s eyebrows

Is it so much to ask that someone sells their still here cool jeans in brown suede in my size on Poshmark for less than $200

They say "do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life" but going on the computer definitely still feels like work

I was planning on bailing on my 545 barre class tomorrow except as I was leaving class this morning my instructor said “see you tomorrow, Elena!” So now I have to go

Women’s body weight discourse is so interesting to me because in an effort to demonstrate that men have ridiculous expectations for women’s weight (1,000% true) we always end up at “no full grown woman weighs under 150 lbs” (1,000% not true what are you guys talking about)

I’ll be honest with you guys i have never once pulled into a parallel parking spot without declaring “like a glove!” Ala Jim Carrey in ace Ventura