Got a used copy of a Jean Genet book, took it home and realised it absolutely stank of piss so I had to chuck it. In hindsight it sort of feels like the intended way his work should be read though.

You are my rock. I want to throw you in water to see what sound it makes.

Wow you would think labor day was when everyone did all their work and then just kind of took the rest of the year off. Bizarre.

I've been through the desert on a horse with no legs, I rode him like a skateboard

To catch a thief you have to steal some stuff

In my raps the word ho is short for honey:)

I'm such a hero I would jump on a grenade even if there was noone else around.

I burned one calorie today

turning into a manosphere

Does it count as a threesome if I'm thinking about someone else during

Feeding salad to the trees

Nobody would trust a skinny Santa

Do we think hedgehogs suck their own dicks when they curl up in that little ball

Ice cream truck funerals apparently produce the most horror movie ass sound you can hear in real life

Lights camera cut

Scarf is short for 'scarface'

Telling old people that I'm their son and they have dementia so they put me in their will

The good news is that there's no bad news. The bad news however, is that there's no good news.

Best friend material

Todd is short for Toddler

Crufts for slugs

I think my cat is trying to communicate with me. He wrote his name on the carpet in poop scoots.

We should have woman years as a measurement of relative aging the same way we have dog years

You've got to love what you do. That's the whole problem.

He was too good for this world. But not quite good enough for the other one.

You know it's on when you're watching a movie and the daughter gets kidnapped. Not so much the son, cos really if your son can't fight off kidnappers then you've failed as a parent.

My learning style is that you have to tell me something five times and I still won't get it

Doing the Bobby Baccalieri Baked Ziti but with my exes hair stuck in the plughole. She's not even dead she just left me.

Took a piss so thick it blocked the toilet :)

'you never think it's going to happen to you' yes I do

Why's it only daddy longlegs and fruitflies that want to come in my house and not butterflies

How can you tell me you don't see race? They are a different colour mate you need your eyes tested

Nirvana is my favourite clothing brand

Use code SEANPAULSARTRE10 for 10% off anything, anywhere

Sweetheart how can I have 'given you an std' when I still have it? That's not how giving things works

At SeaWorld they've got a show where a guy kickflips a dolphin

I cannot be stopped because I never get started

What about those of us who do not contain multitudes? Do we have a singletude?

Had enough of doing more with less. Would like to do less with more.

If they made a Final Destination where all the victims were cyclists that would be the highest grossing film of all time

I've still got time. Probably about five more years until I'm fully irredeemable. But I'll worry about that when I get there.

I should really get overtime for all the work-related dreams I have

The two headed man shot himself and now he's just got one

The purpose of the first minute of an album is to turn away anyone who should not be listening to it

I am the Oppenheimer of weaponised incompetence

I would never use all caps even if the bombs were actively dropping

I'm my own worst enemy which is fine because I know that guy is a massive pussy and he won't do shit

My ethnic group is cat people

Dwarves must really love comedy