They’re stupid for announcing a draft 8 months from now. If I were a man of draft age, I would be planning on gaining 50 lbs, rolling both ankles, and working on flattening my arches.

Currently sitting in direct sunlight recharging. It’s gorgeous out here.

In two for sure. The rest, I’m pretty much 500 Days of Summer - good while it lasted, sad that I’m gone, but happy that it happened.

I hate when swimwear companies show you tummy control wear with women whose tummies are already under control. Who the fuck are you marketing to?!

Y’all couldn’t handle my milk-filled titties right now. I’d break this whole damn app.

Iran won the war.

Men are really killing their wives on vacation, trails, and sea expeditions. Deepest, hottest part of hell for all of them.

My second chance bracket. I only missed three of the last 15 game picks. Between this and the NFL playoffs (only missed two games the entire playoffs) I’m proud of myself this postseason.

Jesus.

My wedding ring is loose again 🙌

Once you start using Paradontax, you’ll never go back. Best toothpaste, bar none.

Every one of these cocaine shark jokes is funny

Always have: Aldi - milk…butter…staples And such Publix - Cold cuts and BOGO Fresh Market - Beef and Chicken Tuesdays

🤷🏼

Almost finished this dumbass book about this dumbass lady who continually makes dumbass decisions. I’m hate reading at this point.

Everything wrong with this country can be boiled down to racism and Big Oil. Everything.

Tough. Oh well. God is still good.

I hate taxes because I don’t get a refund anymore. Not in school so no more ed credits, only one child with a reduced child credit, mortgage interest rate too low to get a good credit. Y’all be mad about that credit score bounce when you pay a loan off. Worry about paying a penalty for being stable.

Ayo Edebiri or Lashana Lynch. If she doesn’t have thick eyebrows, she can’t play me.

😈 😈

My kid is a month old today. She is such a pretty baby. I would show y’all a picture, but it’s weird out here sometimes, so everybody has to suffer.

I gained 40 lbs this pregnancy. I have 14 more lbs to lose to be at my pre-pregnancy weight. My goal is for it to be gone by next month this time. I’ll check back in.

Please let today be the day. I won’t be mad about tomorrow either though for real.

Keep going. Save yourself.

One day, "It" will happen, by which I mean sudden and unexpected news that you want to celebrate. In such cases, you will want the right outfit. 🧵

Knowing when they’re being annoying.

The man playing Gabriel did some A-1 screaming and hollering in the Final Reckoning. Had an excellent death too.

Went to my son’s school to pick him up for the first time since having his sister. Everybody asking about her and checking on me. One teacher said, “Theo is so excited about his new sister. He even told us that his mommy feeds her from her breasts.” 😩🤣

My name is Ashley. You better believe I know ball.

Kirk Cousins’ agent should be negotiating the ceasefire with Iran I am not joking

They need to put his agent in the HOF, like this nigga always gets a bag 😭😭😭

I need an investment property. We pay too much in taxes.

Hamnet. Yeah that lady deserved that Oscar.

I typed this last week, I think. Stop taking other people’s spot by arriving early.

To be fair, it happened with the current president, Alito, and so on. The Germans and Italians in the 30s/40s were definitely not allies and look how their US-born kids turned out.

The current state of American experiment in self-governance is such that I am not going to go anywhere the fuck near April Fools Day. Just no.

The girl was just chilling quietly on me at the end of my shift. My husband takes her and starts talking to her nonstop. Now she’s overstimulated and whining. The lesson here is: shut the fuck up talking sometimes. Anyway. Off to sleep ☺️

I don’t have hot takes. I have thoroughly thought about this shit. I have mean takes.

Somebody needs to promote a “world, stop” Beyoncé-level silent protest during TLC’s entire performance if they’ve already got tickets they don’t want to go to waste.

Everybody on the tour should suffer for Chilli’s behavior. That’s the only way celebrities will learn to be accountable for being gullible. But realistically, one monkey won’t stop that show and folks have already purchased tickets. They’re going anyway.

He ain’t never been more fine than in this fit.

Ohhhh…so this is why she got fired. I was wondering because it definitely wasn’t because her dept killed U.S. citizens.

Fun fact: this was literally my senior design project at GT in 2009, sponsored by Exxon. We knew it wasn’t feasible then.

Die young or live long enough to become a villain has been kicking celebrities’ asses the last few years.

I’ve been giggling about this for two days now 😂

They probably still make theirs with real milk chocolate over there too, so you know whoever gets them is gonna be happy.

If Democrats gain control of the House and/or Senate in November, I appreciate that it will be because of the will of the majority and not because the Democratic Party competently banded together. We all need to move towards voting our best interests and teaching both parties a lesson after 2024.

I don’t think I’m going to finish this book. This girl is too stupid.