accidentally unliking a post and then panickedly reliking it immediately: "Shit shit, goddamn it. This post is like three months old. They're going to get a notification about this. Fuck fuck shit goddamn..."

My wife has strep. Pray for me.

That isn't even their real last name! They aren't even really brothers!!!

Ouch, should have worn taller socks for first day with the new boots

So sick of bra straps falling off my shoulders, nobody seems to make bras for people with flat chests and the wingspan of an albatross.

One of those awesome "Jon does the work of two people" days at work today.

It's 4am, I can't sleep and I have a 12+ hour workday ahead. This will be a challenge.

Oh shit, I turn 39 in a week.

Sometimes it hits me that Tiny Tunes and Muppets are what taught me good music.

Catching puppygirls in a big net like an old timey dogcatcher and taking them to the job fair.

Everything sucks and I'm afraid almost all the time about something or other... But for right now the sun is shining, my hammock is swinging, the lilacs are blooming, and I'm watching my neighbor's three legged cat pounce after butterflies.

Being "too big for your britches" is just having big dick energy, but in a bad way.

The more I hear about Dungeon Crawler Carl the less likely it becomes that I will ever read Dungeon Crawler Carl.

Oh no work requires me to give a shit today, and I can't even scrape together half a damn.

Whoops, looks like Bluesky shit the bed again.

Shocked to learn that I enjoy sports anime.

If Binya Binya Pollywog was a pollywog the size of an adult human, how big a frog was he supposed to grow into???

This cat just called me "a poor" to my face.

Fun fact: Your body temperature is below the dew point in these caves, so if you were to breathe the air down there water would condense in your lungs and you would drown in the open air! Caves are terrifying!

Call it low self-esteem, but never once have I thought "You're So Vain" was about me.

post the best picture you have ever taken of your pet (if you feel like it): This is Smokey. He loves to play fetch but sometimes the mice he brings you are real. He doesn't understand why you're screaming.

I didn't shave this morning and as the day goes on I can feel myself becoming a werewolf.

I have a song that doesn't exist stuck in my head. It's a combination between the theme from Mortal Kombat and the theme from Beverly Hills Cop.

"They said you'd hear back some time next week. There's no reason to be constantly checking your email." Yeah ok sure *refresh refresh refresh...*

I want to mute his name, but what if it happens and I miss it??

The best thing about Lightyear (2022) is that in the Toy Story universe Tim Allen is a no-name voice actor who did his best Chris Evans impression for a movie tie-in toy.

Can't even sleep anymore. Because of woke.

Not doing April Fool's this year. I didn't even put out the "I'm a smart paper towel dispenser!" signs at work.

I did not have "explain bimbo fetish to my wife's sister in law" on my bingo card for today.

Just heard that I'm getting a final, in-person interview! Crap, now I need to get interview clothes.

On an intellectual level I know refreshing my inbox over and over again won't make the email I'm hoping for arrive any sooner. On a functional level *refresh, refresh, refresh...*

We're all in agreement about not doing April Fool's tomorrow, right?

One of the biggest conflicts in my marriage is that my wife hates calling me her "partner" because it makes her feel like a cowboy, and I hate being called her "spouse" because it sounds like some kind of exotic weasel.

I have a job interview in an hour, second interview for this position, and I'm kind of freaking out about it.

I feel like I really have my shit together today, but really the only thing out of the ordinary is that I remembered to shave my legs.

I love the NH Seacoast, but after visiting Portland ME for the first time in a few years I do have to say it could be like 30% gayer down here.

This guy's going to lose his fucking mind when he hears about potatoes.

"I'm really sorry to be a bother but could you [mildly inconvenient task] for me?" Lady, you opened our conversation saying I look pretty today. I'll lie down on broken glass if you ask me to.

I really need to get up to date on slang. Long story short, these henchmen I hired won't stop masturbating.

More like Marco SHOE-bio, right?

Ugh, soon I'm going to have to start working on my stupid little garden to help my stupid little mental health. I am looking forward to building the new compost bin though, that'll be fun.

Getting roasted at work for eating Cheetos with chopsticks, but we'll see who's laughing when I'm done my snack and can get right back to work without needing to wash cheese dust off my fingers.

"That doesn't count as a hear me out, that's a conventionally attractive tree." -my wife

Set a personal record for rejection of a job application. Only 24 minutes from submission to response.

Got to play my favorite game "Guess How Old Jon Is" at work yesterday. All guesses were off by at least 10 years. HRT really is magic.

daydreams are absolutely unhinged today.

"Why am I in such a shitty mood?" they asked forgot-to-eat-breakfastly. "Goddamn, this doesn't help," they muttered in a looked-at-the-newsish manner.

Behold, the Sunbeam Enjoyer.

One of the many perks of wearing a mask at work is I can mutter all kinds of shit under my breath without my lips being read. Insult someone straight to their face and nobody is the wiser.