Either STOP STARING or GET A BETTER DISGUISE

Nobody commits like Ava (see comments for full length bit)

Didn’t realize I was performing for the Duchess of Napoleonita

My birthday happens to be the same day as the Pride parade in Toronto 🤘 My friends don't know this yet, but during the parade I'm going to nudge them and say "all *this* for me? Seems a little excessive" at LEAST 37 times

The agenda really isn’t working out for me…

I fucking suck at everything that isn’t standup and it’s killing my standup career lol

In this country WE STAND FOR THE FLAG 🫡🤘🏻

Me: “It’s back, you know” Ghost of the last person to die of measles before the vaccine: “You’re fucking kidding”

I really don’t understand the gripe against paper straws. Just drink faster, idiot

I’ll call the pope anything he changes his name to except “Gulf of America”

I’ve heard that as a Canadian, if I attempt to cross the US border they can turn me away based on social media posts that are critical of the US. And I wish I could resist, but… SHOES INDOORS?! I WILL NEVER GET OVER THIS. YOU ANIMALS

TENNIS SKIRT WEATHER GET INTO IT, JABRONIES

I “P”’d too hard

Can’t imagine what I was wailing about here

My sleep paralysis demon resembles a telemarketer who sits at a desk beside my bed and noisily makes calls all night

I’d like baseball more if they wore short shorts and knee pads

Remember when Bill C-18 in Canada was supposed to “jail anyone who called someone by the wrong pronouns”? How many of you gullible idiots are in jail years later because of it? Bill C-18 is another easily forgotten relic of an ADHD reactionary culture war against trans ppl.

Conservative on Survivor after getting voted out on day 1 because no one likes him: “IT’S RIGGED 😡😡😡”

I’d tell Pierre Poilievre to take a seat but it seems he’s lost his 🤣

Every time I try to act sexy I hurt myself 😵 It doesn’t sound like much but I smashed my knee and my bones are made of glass

Here it is, the butt of the joke

Went and saw @avacomedy.bsky.social perform at Art Bar last night. Damn she was so funny. I had so many good laughs and I haven’t been laughing that hard for a long time. Instantly converted to a fan.

The guy who films Tate videos:

My legs scare off hecklers. I’ll friggin KICK YOU

Got a private booth for us 😉

I feel dumber lately. Slower. Less inspired & creative. Sad. Foggy. It always passes in time, but this particular intellectual drop feels like a doozie.

A group of Cybertrucks is called a ‘Blitzkrieg’

(NOT AN APRIL FOOLS PRANK) Holy moly I’m on another episode of Halifax ComedyFest tonight! 😎 The season finale! Tune in to the CBC at 9:30 EST, Canada!

“We can always tell” (Can’t distinguish between a dress and fucking PANTS)

Ava’s been working on her “bedroom eyes” 😍

Ava had fun last night 😈😇🧡

I think I’m just gonna wear these pants everywhere now… errands, shows, first dates

“What’s in ur pants?”

Great East Coast profile of #Toronto based comic @avacomedy.bsky.social. Give 'em hell, Ava! #ComedyTO www.thecoast.ca/arts-music/t...

I’LL BE ON TV AGAIN CANADA 🤩 TUESDAY MARCH 18 AT 9:30 EST ON CBC ANOTHER STANDUP BANGER FROM AVA VAL 🤘🏻

Who could have possibly predicted that the proud patriots of the trucker convoy would be the most in favour of becoming a 51st state 🤷🏼‍♀️

THE WEEKEND HAS ARRIVED I’m AT Levity Comedy Club & Lounge ALL WEEKEND, HAMILTON LET’S GO TICKET LINK IN COMMENTS🎟️

People with pets! Serious question: When you have a guest over and you tell them “you’re really good with animals!” Or “[pet] doesn’t warm up to people like they did to you!” …Do you say these kinds of things to make your guests feel good about themselves or do you only say it when it’s true???

Me, 5 years old, at a computer store: “Wow, everything is computer”

My biggest conspiracy theory is that Bill Maher doesn’t have any fans and that he’s being platformed by a cabal of rich guys who love the smell of their own farts

New podcast episode is up! “PodGis E143 - What If?” I discuss the Canada-US conflict and I make fun of Marvel a whole bunch 🙊

“I will wear a costume after the war is finished” - Pre-transition me using the war in Iraq as an excuse not to wear a suit to my sister’s wedding

No matter who you vote for, let’s all agree on this:

The recent news about the US rejecting work visas just because the applicant is 🏳️‍⚧️ is devastating for me. If I’m disallowed from entering America to perform for my fans south of the border, then… [shudder]… …It might be time to bring back Zoom comedy.

Canadians! I’ll be on CBC at 9:30 EST tonight! Record it so I’ll be in your little TV boxes forever ❤️

I’ll be on your television tomorrow, Canada! 🙊🤘🏻

6 weeks post-FFS; regained the ability to plunder people’s souls with just my eyes

If they're allowed to believe in "reverse racism" then we're allowed to believe in "reverse-DEI"

New episode of my podcast out! Full of righteous gloating about the recent Four Nations Canada win. Check it out! Also available everywhere podcasts are avail AND exclusive extended content on my patreon 😎 youtu.be/5n3hg8aPwhQ