I FUCKING LOVE DOGS

Theres this one song I hear on hold all the time and it's a fuckin BANGER

2019: if you eat avocado you are terrible with your money and deserve to die in poverty. 2026: WHY ISNT ANYBODY BUYING AVOCADOOOOOSSSS

"Aww, you'll find a man!" "How fucking dare you wish that on me, you take that back right fucking now"

I'm honestly still really mad about how the Voice to Parliament offended all the white people

"Intelligent design" fuck right off why are my ovaries bleeding

Dad: why are you still single? Me: I keep finding guys who treat me like you treated my mum

I used to dream about taking my mother's maiden name instead of my dad's name, till I remembered that mum's maiden name is just my grandpa's name

Me: you completely own me, master My mortgage broker: please stop saying that

Signing up for unfun stuff because I want to do unfun stuff (study) so I can do fun stuff (get money)

A raindrop just landed on my face and I tried to swat it like a fly. I've been in the outback too long.

Check it out, this is the hill my mum died on

I love that the real redpill is actually HRT

Me: my mum was not a celebrity Also me: I got this photo of my mum off google

This is my JAM! How-? Oh right, it's also my playlist.

Boats for your dogs

No officer, I didn't burn the building down, but I'm pretty sure it was Ben, you should ask him

Who the fuck is Ben and why do people keep sending me emails addressed to him

I'm not for Sora and Kairi as a ship because I've dated enough guys to know what it looks like when they don't have romantic feelings for you. Girl, you deserve better for yourself 😭 #KH

If your Big Question in 2026 is "did they fake the moon landing?" I think you need to go find a ball pit to play in and leave the critical thinking to everyone else

You remind me of my dad (derogatory)

I'm not a lawyer but I think voting alt-right should be a tort for civil negligence That's a bit anti-democratic but there's the paradox of tolerance for ya

I have discovered at the age of 33, thanks to a blood test, that I have hay fever. Somehow, decades of sneezing my head off did not clue me in.

Turns out Neopets is not a TTRPG at all :(

Casual reminder: If you lick the boot, your reward is boot in your mouth

Rimworld atrocities are fun and all, but have you ever bred enough chinchillas to crash your game?

Yeah you're fine and all but I literally have Neopets older than you

Gun to my head, I have to choose my favourite word in the English language, it's obviously gonna be "fuck"

How the fuck am I too hot and too cold at the same time?

That's a load-bearing Coke

Having a dead mother sucks so bad but it's a great flex "Why are you named ____?" "Fly to heaven and ask my mum, you jerk"

Robber pointing a gun at me: give me your wallet Me: pls no I have a family -Robber opens my wallet, inside there is a screenshot of my rimworld gravship-

Hello!? Yes, I'm calling about an urgent issue I need to have repaired at my house immediately. No, I'm not available this afternoon, I'm actually going on holiday for 3 weeks.

Working at my desk, smiling and daydreaming about my rimworld gravship

When the pets stretch you gotta say "thats a big stretch!" and when you're watering the plants you gotta say "that's a big drink!" I don't make the rules

"Can I go to the bathroom? I have my period and it makes me need to shit every 20min"

Neopets is not a dating TTRPG!

Personality is stored in the balls

Idea: uber for babies. Call it "Utes-R-Us"

Ovulating is boring, I'm laying an egg today

Bout to start hiding my stash with a heap of sex toys. You want to borrow some from me without asking, you gotta confront a monster dildo first

Galumph went the Little Green Frog is probably my favourite nursery rhyme because it sets the rules up just to immediately break them "Frogs go galumph. NO THEY DON'T, IDIOT."

The legal gun of the murder victim was in its holster and an agent had already taken it from the holster BEFORE the first shot was fired. Minnesota is an open carry state. The murder victim was following protocol. The Homeland Security agents did not. They murdered an unarmed man

#ICE #protestICE #protests2020 #ICEout #AbolishICe #Minnesota

This is the US citizen ICE executed today in Minnesota. Alex Pretti, ICU nurse and mountain climber. They fired 12 times. 1, and then 3, and then the rest. Shot him right in the back after he was beaten, pinned to the ground, and pistol-whipped. Trump sanctioned execution.

😭

Different vets I've been to keep texting me to say my dog is overdue for her shots. Today I called one of them back to say I'd be shocked if Cookie was up to date with her shots because she died a year and a half ago Admin person didn't think it was funny. Tough crowd.

All my jokes about being bisexual are just about how much I'd rather date women 🤔