macaulay cock and bald torture

i’m like if an uncle was a boat but the boat had tits

one of our faculty members just came into the office and told me i’m autistic

turns out “faggy” is a playable word in wordle

practically begging fanfiction writers to learn the difference between prone and supine

i’m gonna thumb your slit when i say this,

me every time i walk into my bathroom and see my bidet

if you don’t have a lung-rattling cough and a blaring car alarm they actually don’t let you on the ferry

someone on the bus smelled like bedroom of my old best friend who i haven’t spoken to in seven years, 4 dead 8 wounded

what most people fail to realize is that yellowjackets is a comedy

honkin is a gateway drug to tonkin

forgot to pack a babybell in my lunch and i literally burst into tears

back on my newsreader bullshit and anna torv….. the woman you are….

YES MA’AM! YES I DO! YOU’RE WELCOME!

been awake for 28 hours and just hallucinated someone knocking on my door. saturday nite babey.

me: i’m super chill all the time also me: [5.5 hours before my flight] ok better head to the airport!

just ate gyoza with green tea salt on them and i was so hungry and they fucked so severely that i didn’t even take a picture. AND 12 of those bitches were $9. i love it here.

this is my fifth and final night at this hotel in osaka and i only just figured out now that i have a heating unit in my room. i’ve just been freezing my ass off in here this whole time for no reason.

a 7-11 tuna mayonnaise onigiri is something that can be so personal

being in japan won’t stop me from having my annual cry to scott and tessa’s 2018 pyongchang moulin rouge medley

not to sound like an earnest tourist but seeing mt fuji with your own eyes is truly some profound shit. top 10 life experience so far and i’m being deadass about that.

got on the correct train at the correct time at the busiest train station in japan i am a GOD i can do ANYTHING

at the airport and was getting my water bottle out of my backpack to fill it up and a man quite literally shoved me out of the way and started filling his bottle up. hello? can anyone hear me?

wouldn’t be a car ride with cohen in vancouver without us harmonizing sean paul

cheating on your husband with a different version of your husband is soooooo camp thank you severance i love you severance

just had to explain to a PhD student that 0.25 of an hour equals 15 minutes

not to sound like a capitalist on main but going from a glitchy iphone 12 to a 16 is, unfortunately, drastically changing my life

i love my cats and i would lay down my life for them but having a cat that loves you so much that even the sight of a suitcase makes him stress vomit 3,000 times at 4:30am is NOT IT CHIEF

on our walk a cybertruck drove past my dad and i and we gave it a middle finger and shouted profanities at it. bonding experience.

a taco salad is something that can be so personal

went on a date and immediately had therapy after and now i feel like i’ve been hit by a bus AMA

i need a 52 year old man with $800 billion to impregnate my wife . i am worried our offspring wont be sufficiently feeble and/or annoying

omg gravy gave me a heart for valentine’s day 💛

who up fucking they outie at the ORTBO

last week’s severance ep sent me to the moon and this week’s ep made my heart physically ache…… ben stiller your power….

listening to silver springs for the 500th time this morning and damn you’ll really never get away from the sound of the woman that loved you…. that’s crazy

me: why don’t people like talking to me on dating apps 😔 me on dating apps:

love coming to the dentist at 7:30am and the receptionists are already angrily gossiping and openly swearing in front of everyone. like hiiiiii girlies what are we taking about 👁️👁️

newest severance ep permanently altered my brain chemistry and fundamentally changed who i am as a person

still haven’t started my period which means i almost certainly won’t have it when i travel to japan in a couple weeks can i get a hell fucking yeah brother

annual reminder that an ocean in between the waves by the war on drugs is the best song ever made

1-800-EAT-BEES

i love the hungarian word tilos. like don’t do that!!! lol

gravy 2021 / cowboy 2025

fucked up on mushrooms at the choir party last night trying to google the colours for bandana flagging and having this come up instead made me laugh so hard i cried

last year i bought cowboy a pack of 100 toy springs. that pack is now half empty which means there’s fucking 50 springs hiding in my apartment.

me, listening to my playlist of strictly the war on drugs songs: omg i love this song

edwin payne core

ten fé’s new album…….. yes

love when i’m spooning cowboy and he starts twitching… like you trust me so much that you’ll fall into a deep sleep in my arms? i would lay down my life for you