Drunk with my bestie wooooo

Gonna attempt to consciously change my inner narrator to have David Attenborough’s voice.

The gatocitos asleep between my legs are unaware I sleep like a rotisserie chicken. Their cozy spot lasts until my next quarter turn, ahahaha That’s what you get for sleeping on my face

I did a hard thing and could use some love and funny things

Somebody from Birmingham is the person that makes Florida’s signs for sideline signals because I saw both Vulcan and the Jack’s logo

Petition to label the Charlie Kirk thing "Reich on right violence" All for the motion:

It was Reich on right wing violence. Now trying to explain terminally online groyper bullshit to the masses is gonna be...an ordeal

Empathy is not owed to the oppressors.

I hate that his kids witnessed it. That's about as far as my empathy will stretch.

proposal: anything streamed with ads must include original commercials. Shows for streaming services can use modern commercials. Movies must be period accuratew ads if shown on a platform with commercials. Imagine watching The Mummy&have ads from 1999. People would pay for ads at that point lmao

Boots are for scootin, not licking.

I love horses I love horses they’re totally worth 2am stitches I love horses I love horses I am so very tired I love horses I love horses

Birthdays hit harder than deathdays because we don’t want to remember the end of their life. Our memories get that rosy glow with time, and birthdays are usually so full of happy. So birthdays hit harder. Happy birthday, Dad. I still crack up that Google thought you looked like Hank Hill 😆

I don’t like the snoutless school buses. How are they supposed to smell the stops without their snoot

The ones that asked Would you love me if I was a worm 🪱 And Would you love me if I was a worm 🐛 Are two separate genres of humans I will take no questions at this time

Rewatching Suicide Squad and either I memory holed Will Smith being in this movie or I’m just the type of queer to only associate this movie with Margot Robbie 👀

My dad was born on labor day. His dad (silent gen) told him "ya cost me time and a half" which he did have to explain to me, an 80s baby, since I had no idea what that was growing up post-Reagen.

Me trying to explain my inside/niche jokes is a love language, now sit down why I explain that this screenshot is funny

A poptart is not a ravioli. A poptart is not a calzone. A poptart is a stromboli, which is an offshoot of a calzone. Both are 1) dough 2) filling 3) rectangular and 4) baked Ravoili is boiled. Calzones are crescent shaped. Hence, stromboli. I rest my case

I love working myself into an anxiety attack at the *thought* of attending a con. And I really really wanna go to one. But like I need an anxiety handler or something, or maybe start with a small con held in like Metairie or some shit

Yeah I'm ready to bitch about it being too cold again.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH

I will not appropriate indigenous culture (totem, spirit animal) or black culture (as best I can with my southern upbringing) or Asian culture or Desi culture etc etc But best bet I’ll appropriate Italian culture. 🤌🏻 Is so expressive, my pasty flour ranger napkin flavored self is yoinking this.

Everyone’s relationship goals should be a blend of Peggy/Hank and Morticia/Gomez, regardless of orientation. And also the partners switch who is Peggy/Hank and who is Gomez/Morticia.

You know a cleaning service hires locals with ~knowledge~ when they leave the cast iron skillet full of grease/oil neatly placed near the stove for future use. 😂

Got to visit my uncle (dad's brother) for the first time in years and jeebus. Fuck I miss my dad. So many similar mannerisms in how they talk, and gesture, and tell stories and punchlines coupled with I never realized how similar they looked? Grief is fresh af right now. I just miss my dad.

I'm going to eat the radioactive shrimps with some Panera death lemonade and then no one can stop me.

This is a banana flavoring hate account

Strawberry = beautiful mezzo-soprano, tart and bold, resonates in your soul Banana = pitchy, high toned mush, the original went extinct for a reason why haven't we killed this zombie yet

Whoever decided that the combination of the glorious strawberry and the lowly banana was a good thing should be drawn and quartered.

One of the cats decided my room was the place to sleep tonight Cool, cool But now she’s on my pillow AGGRESSIVELY purring Do cats purr in sarcasm? She looks mad, btw. Like I should know what I did (I don’t)

Southern leftists raised under quiet traditional conservatives really need to rewatch King of the Hill from the first season.

You ever look at your group chats and go “we’re fucking hilarious”? Me too, all the time. I know great people 😊

Update: Least favorite child took my blanket to "fold and put away" 😤

Eldest child, doing laundry, is my favorite because he draped me in a freshly tumbled toasty throw while I was on the couch 🥰

I told the mushrooms what you did, good luck trying to benefit from the mycorrhizal network this summer you bastard

This is in line with "I don't care who you love, don't you DARE bring home a republican 😤"

Death as the villain of the Final Destination franchise is actually the spirit of OSHA and a huge proponent of safety regulations. Using Rube Goldberg-esque methods to denote the importance of failsafes and redundancy, Death demonstrates the need for a regulatory body to oversee and teach the impor

Got a random compliment today. “I like your hair!” “Thanks, it’s genetic.” ???? Why am I like this lmao

Lifting up my beauties by commenting “Respectfully AWOOGA” On any and all pictures they post of themselves

I just need to scream a lil bit For posterity

During pack/purge we found a Rolodex of recipes. Kiddos now want to do a TikTok or YouTube of us doing these recipes. They’re from the 60s/70s. Or Lort

With two back to back bdays I'm officially down to only one teenager in the house. The no-longer-teenagers managed to decimate near five pounds of mashed potatoes, so I'm not sure if that's an upside. Happy birthday to both babies, though. Two decades alive is an accomplishment.

What’s the ballpark cost of a date nowadays? Like day, a rage room then Waffle House after?

Bonus kid, all casual: “hey mom I’m out of condoms? Can you pick more up when you go get groceries?” FUCK YES I CAN. I had no idea he used the -in case- ones I’ve had in a drawer for awhile (I’ve thrown them out before bc they expired lol) but I’m so glad he just straight asked 🥰

I love king of the hill. Hank is an ally.

Regarding chronic pain: Every new thing/pain is an adventure in “oh, I use those muscles more than I thought I did.”

People buying out-of-date data for mailers I swear I mean how am I getting something addressed to my mom, who died in 1988 (!) and has never lived in the state I’m currently in? Y’all need to update your shit if you want me to consider you for tree service 😂