The most common pub name in Britain is commonly thought to be ‘The Red Lion’. However, having conducted my own analysis of pub signage, the most common name actually appears to be ‘Sky Sports Live Here’.

Don’t really bother posting rejected gags anymore, but this must be the closest ‘nearly’ I’ve had in six years of writing for #BreakingtheNews : Acknowledging the programme’s mistakes, Tom Daley bent over backwards to apologise, followed by a reverse somersault with three and a half twists.

Cumulative Impact is a great film about Earth getting destroyed by a series of small asteroids.

Great little tip for giving somebody ham: Give them a piece of good news, then give them the ham, then give them another piece of good news. This is called ‘A Ham Sandwich’.

Always a pleasure to be on the writing team for this wonderful panel show. It’s not a proscribed show so you may listen without being arrested. www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...

Wait ‘til they hear about spending 5 hours a week writing 50 gags for Breaking the News only to MAYBE get £20 IF one of them gets broadcast 😆

Proud to contribute to a cracking #BreakingtheNews this week. Always fun to get Des to ‘do his Trump’. www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...

Made it, Ma! I was Lead Writer on this week’s #BreakingtheNews. You may listen here: www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...

One of my sketches was on this week’s Dead Ringers. Buzzing like those bees that killed Macaulay Culkin in that film about a kid who gets killed by bees. www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...

You there! Take your hands out of your pockets, sit up straight, and listen to the first episode of the new series of #BreakingtheNews! Includes a few bits of nonsense from me. www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...

What if the very act of trying the door to make sure it was locked somehow unlocked the door…?

Have become slightly addicted to Slow Jam off of that new Pulp album.

Everyone remembers the Catchphrase episode where it looks like Mr Chips is masturbating. What people forget is that Mr Chips WAS actually masturbating and the answer was: ‘Wanking yourself silly’. Different times…

Deleted scene from The Matrix where the machines have to wiggle the humans to keep the remote working.

My dad to The Wurzels: It will have lost half its value the moment it left the forecourt.

My top 3 papal conclaves of my lifetime: - Italia 2013 - Italia 2005 - Italia 2025

Devotion’s 11

I did this a couple of weeks ago with phenomenal results. Got promoted, got laid, a stranger spontaneously gave me £1,000 cash. But do avoid using ‘I keep thinking it’s Monday’ - absolute downer, complete opposite effect.

I think if anything, we need more Taskmaster. Doctors should be prescribing Taskmaster. www.independent.co.uk/arts-enterta...

Made the mistake of going in to my daughter’s ballet lesson because she was upset. Her enraged teacher manhandled some butterfly wings over my shoulders and forced me to join in. Totally backfired - was headhunted by the Royal Academy and my scholarship begins in the autumn. In your face, Mrs Miles!

Europe writing The Final Countdown: Ok, we need a big commercial hit, something that will get loads of radio play. Now, what rhymes with Venus?

I wrote for this week’s News Quiz. I’d update my CV but it’s gone to the pub to celebrate. You can listen here: www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...

- Parallels with Dr Who/Bond casting - Parallels with Liz Truss meeting Queen - Parallels with Jesus rising again after three days - Next pope to be AI Right, let’s get on with Monday.

Back writing for #BreakingTheNews this week. And lovely to hear @robinjmorgan.bsky.social bringing a touch of Welsh class to proceedings. www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...

Man with a fifth degree black belt in karate still quietly wondering when he’ll learn how to do fireballs and dragon punches. It’s too awkward to ask now, he’s in too deep.

Here are some silly jokes that, unbelievably, I didn’t manage to convert into cold hard cash #BTNNB

It’s the school holidays! Ignore your children by putting some headphones on and listening to this week’s #BreakingTheNews. Includes a couple of bits from me: www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...

Was fortunate enough to get one of my sketches on this week’s DM’s Are Open! 👰‍♀️ www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...

I have some material on tonight’s ‘Late’ episode of DMs Are Open - 2300, BBC R4. I am pleased about this. I have a pleased face.

Wrote for this week’s Breaking the News. If you dig deep enough, it *is* possible to write gags about Donald Trump. www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...

Delighted as ever to have contributed to some news-based breakage. www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...

Something else to put in the drawer marked ‘Things for Chris’ wife to throw away when he dies’.

Wrote for #BreakingtheNews again. Listen, laugh, etc. (I say ‘etc.‘ but that’s pretty much it). www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...

Helped to Break the News again this week. Have a listen and then have a splendid weekend. www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...

Stuff on #BreakingtheNews again this week. All that research I did on Scottish beaches really paid off… www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...

Wrote for Breaking the News again this week. Defenestration is funny, right? www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...

It’s Valentine’s Day which means one thing - Breaking the News is back (I wrote a joke about Andy Murray - can’t believe nobody’s ever done that before). www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...

Watched What Just Happened on iPlayer this morning. Enjoyed it, some really funny stuff. Lovely to see so many people I follow on here involved. Great work all! What Just Happened?, End-of-Year Special: www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m0026jvf

My son’s really into British public information films and wants an Abandoned Quarry Party for his birthday. Anyone got any ideas for a venue? You know the sort of thing: deceptively deep ponds, fly-tipped fridges (with doors), perhaps some overhead power cables for kite flying. Cheers!

Incredibly proud to be on the writing team for this. Treat yourself by loading up iPlayer and watching it with your eyes. www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/epis...

Tonight’s the night! I’m hosting an end of year special of What Just Happened? on BBC One Wales. Such a brilliant team made this - I’d love it if you watched. 10.30pm and on iPlayer.

“You boy, what day is this?” “Why, it’s Saturday, sir!” “What year will it be this time next week?” “Why, it’ll be 2025, sir!” “And who’s the Prime Minister?” “Why, it’s Keir Starmer, sir!” [To parents] “Yeah, I think he’s fine.”

It’s that time of year again! (There’s also a TV edit, but personally I think this radio version has better gags 😜) www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...

The Nativity isn’t a Christmas story, it just happens to take place at Christmas.

⭐ WHAT JUST HAPPENED? END OF YEAR TV SPECIAL ⭐ After two award-winning radio series, What Just Happened? is heading to BBC One Wales on 30th Dec. The What Just Happened? special is co-produced by Little Wander & Turtle Canyon. 📆: Monday 30th December ⏰: 22:30 📺: BBC One Wales & BBC iPlayer

Clearing up after the Elf on the Shelf at 0630

Dads digging deep to give a thumbs up to fluffed nativity lines. Your hand gestures say ‘proud’ but your eyes say ‘embarrassed and ashamed’.

Couple of bits from me on the telly version of #BreakingtheNews (one day I’ll feel secure enough to not have to post about all these credits. But not today). www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/epis...

Like jokes? Like the Beatles? Then my goodness, Christmas has come early for you via something I wrote for this week’s #BreakingtheNews www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...

A solid list but personally I would have put Richard Osman Simulator 2025 at number one - a major improvement on the disappointing Richard Osman Simulator 2024.