You might call it a Super Soaker water gun, but to me it's just a portable bidet.

AI appeals to people with a general "whatever" attitude about everything.

Fuck off with your auto-pay feature on bills. Ain't nobody got the financial flexibility for that.

me reacting to receiving a compliment:

me: Last night, I dreamt about getting a speeding ticket, but I did not get one in real life. wife: Oh, that's good. me: I also had a dream about sex… wife: … me: *sigh*

The best unintentional energy drink-fueled burps on the internet! It's WNOD! www.wnodpodcast.com

I can hardly even parallel park when one person is watching me so threesomes are definitely out.

I am the guy asking the liquor store clerk for something that doesn't upset my stomach.

*looking at photos of myself in my 20s*: Oh no, I was a butterface!

I have no use for a keyboard that lacks a number pad because I am an adult who often needs to calculate quickly.

Are you thinking about talking, but you have nothing of value to say? Maybe shutting the fuck up is right for you.

I gambled a lot in my college days. Not with my money at casinos. I gambled with my heart at love.

Personality goes a long way. But so do big boobs.

Be honest with yourself. You don't need a wireless keyboard for your desktop computer. Stop wasting precious resources and get yourself a wired USB keyboard. Do it now!

Some optimism is fine, but excessive optimism is not, because it fails to address problems.

who I think I look like when I shave my head versus who I actually look like

I have a ballroom. It's called the bedroom, where I "ball" all the time. Yeah, you know! Okay, to be fair, it's been a few weeks.

Why do some of my coworkers have their computer volume at 100%? Does the whole office need to know that they received an email??

Personality goes a long way. But so does a rock.

The literacy crisis does not surprise me. I have seen the way people type, and it is horrifying.

One thing that unifies all humans is that we are all providing carbon dioxide for plants, and that's nice. Granted, some of us provide a bit more carbon dioxide than others, but that's another story.

I like keeping my smartphone in my front left pants pocket because it looks like I have a big wide flat dick.

Nice guys finish last because they make sure their partner finishes first.

At some point we will figure out how to make the volume on podcast commercials match the volume of the actual podcast, but IT IS NOT THIS DAY! SPONSORED BY QUINCE!!!

Please stop saying "mog" unless you are talking about Final Fantasy.

who I think I look like when I shave my head versus who I actually look like

I judge people's laughs, and I judge harshly.

Sometimes my wife and I have sex. Except when she's wearing her night guard, in which case we would have sekth.

I hope my death is caused in some way by peanut butter.

I like to refer to breasts as "grudges" because I love to hold them.

Never before in the history of the United States of America have we had a presidential administration full of people with such terrible speaking voices.

I would like to get through one month… just ONE… without buying something frivolous. Can I do it? Probably not.

I don't know what PragerU is, but it sounds like a slur.

me: I love you. When I am not near you, I miss you. When I am at work, all I can think about is being with you. wife: That's so sweet. me: Oh, no dear. I was talking to my computer. wife: 😑

I hate that society is so anti-farting.

Strait of whore muse? Sounds hot. I would like a whore muse.

I am not a fan of flags. Why are you waving that? Yeah, you don't even know. Enough already with the flags.

Stop going to church. It’s bad for your brain.

Why is popcorn the standard movie theater food? Oh sure, let me eat something that leaves my hands greasy for the rest of the movie. No!

I understand we have bigger problems to worry about, but why do we have 8000 flavors of deodorant?? (Yes, I said flavors. Don’t judge me.)

Based on commercials on podcasts, we have officially run out of company names.

It appears that some people have forgotten the wisdom of "Don't start nothin', ain't gon' be nothin'."

Oh yeah? Well, can AI do this??? *disappoints parents (including step-parents)*

Since I got to my 40s, my stomach makes noise all of the time. Hungry, full, or anywhere in between? Good or bad eating? It's always making noises. At this point, I don't even know what it wants or doesn't want, and I am too busy to care.

My Pixel Watch doesn’t have a calculator app on it. How am I supposed to be a radical dude without a calculator on my watch???

"So I was like and he was like and he goes and she goes and I was like…" I need everyone involved with this story to return to elementary school for retraining.

Oh yeah? Well, can AI do this??? *fails to live up my potential by a huge degree*

Every day I look in a mirror and ask out loud, "How can one man be so bald?"

wife: If one of your coworkers tried to seduce you, what would you do? me: I would do the same that I do when you try to do that. I would back away slowly.

"I'm very competitive." Oh, so you're an asshole.