Is it too late to send out holiday cards?

No one under 50 gets your “welcome back kotter” Epstein joke and no over over 50 thinks it’s funny.

They host children’s beauty pageants in the Harrisburg, PA area.

Trump is giving a speech at 9PM to prove he can stay up that late.

There used to be slow news days when nothing shitty happened.

310 lbs to Yuma

“The Totally Staged Assassination Attempt on Donald Trump by the Patsy Thomas Crooks.”

Best news I’ve read all week.

I’ll assume Udo Kier is enjoying hell.

Hooray! It's "Everyone's A Turkey Expert" season! Quit telling me what to do, Alton Brown!

The best way to avoid politics at thanksgiving is to never ever sit at a table again with your MAGA relatives for the rest of your life.

Just trying to get to the bottom of this: did Clinton pee on Trump?

Where are you guys reading that Trump blew Clinton?

I’d say twice a month.

Is Fetterman’s floor ok?

Team Fall

Has Cuomo shipped his nipple bolts to Miami yet?

Satan ignores deferrals.

I’m tired of foreigners taking our marathon-winning jobs!

Did ICE nab anyone in the Dodgers parking lot?

If you would like, in appropriately polite and measured tones, to tell McCrery Architects what you think about their work, their contact information is at: www.mccreryarchitects.com

Losers at the 1936 Berlin Ozempics

“Don’t make fun of fat racists!” “Don’t make fun of Mitch McConnell’s age!” “Don’t make fun of — oops. We lost another election.”

Racist Botero sculpture

Happy birthday John Lennon. You were horny!

Wrong Kennedy, God.

If the saudis chop off Louis CK’s hands he might not get into trouble again.

The Saudis are gonna be bummed when they discover Jeff Ross doesn’t literally roast people.

Good luck getting a laugh outta Saudis.

When he dies I will kiss a nurse in Times Square.

Now that Elon has been revealed as a pedo in addition to being a Nazi progressive Tesla owners will have to add another witty bumper sticker instead of selling.

Oh no! Trump is going after the guy who torpedoed Clinton’s presidential campaign? Boy, he got us! (He’s really bad at fascism.)

Maybe no more discussing the Kennedys with the “royalty” crap anymore?

I wish you twats at Whole Foods would stop backing into parking spaces. Let’s unite!

Now that ICE won’t be allowed to wear masks in California we can finally see how hot they aren’t!

I like it when a man who sounds like a belt sander and looks like a cardboard box fished out of a pond shares his thoughts about our health.

“Armani” was a New York Times crossword clue today. Somebody check on Esai Morales and/or Brian Eno!

Thanks again, Oprah!

Who knew Florida even had schools?!

How long will I go to prison if I fashion an American flag into hot pants?

“…in a little doll house. Where I’m occasionally terrorized by the cat.”

He might need to release the Epstein files to distract from the Russia summit

“Hulk, I’d like you to meet Gawker.” — Satan, just now

Oh no. Just yesterday Hulkster was alive and well and a total fascist!

In 2010 I shot something w/ Ozzy for a late night show & the bit ended with him yelling SHARON! He was very kind but seemed rather frail yet when it came time to bellow “Sharon?” I’ve never heard a human being create that much volume. I had to cover my ears. He was THAT loud! Totally amazing. RIP

There are more photos of Trump and Epstein together than I have of me and my dad.

Next week Epstein’s gonna be on a stamp.

He also loves that he’s turned America into “Brazil.”

“As part of the Trump administration’s plan to dismantle government at behest of Vladimir Putin…”

I hope every member of ICE gets bile duct cancer. I don’t know what that entails, exactly, but it sounds awful.