I found out about this at the sinks in the loos. Woman 1: Some woman just told there's a bloke outside with a snake Woman 2: *bursts out of cubicle brandishing a phone showing a photo of her holding a snake* SEE? I WASNT LYING. I'M NOT HIGH! *goes back into cubicle* Woman 1: *whispers* I didn't say

Happy Pride! 🏳️‍🌈

Night out in Wakefield, lads. Man with a big snake was letting women hold it and take photos (not a euphemism)

Yesterday I learned that Britney Spears' Toxic was written by Cathy Dennis (legend) about your man the supervet (I K R?) And today I got to use that in conversation 🎉

My birthday. Pop it in your diary for two reasons

One day a week I have to be in the office at half 8. That day is today 🥲

Are you single? Are you a fantastic baker? Do you want to get murdered?!

Same, old-ass tree, same

As someone who's had pre-cancer removed - vaccinate. Also if you're old like me and missed the boat - get screened!

Assuming lots of us are switching energy companies/tariffs atm. If anyone's off to Sainsburys energy let me know so I can refer you and we get 30 quid each 🙃

A fun thing I do when I'm asleep is if I'm stressed/have bad dreams I curl my hands into my chest like a fucked-up T-rex. And I'm hypermobile so they curl way too far and I wake up with numb hands. My hormones are up to something so I feel mildly panicked at all times and have had 3 nights of insane

Why is it so humid?! I'm 9% sweat and 17.4% pollen 😭

Just smash your kids' ipads. Problem solved

Fruit. Except some dried fruit, so maybe it's because it's all wet and gross.

Start a cleaning job tonight that involves carrying a hoover up too many stairs. Spent the last 12 days recovering from a badly dislocated knee, it's almost alright now. Just bent to put my TINY dog on the floor and something in my back twanged and hurts like a bastard now 😭

They can't go on Facebook with their gran but Roblox is fine 💀

17yos driving their cars home from work and paying tax but can't get on the gram

I'm in a cafe with approximately a pint of mocha and then we're off to buy a lawnmower. MAXIMUM SUNDAY

I just—like, sure, being a trillionaire is cool I guess but what’s it all for if you haven’t even seen the wreckage of the titanic firsthand

I ate dates tonight and it turns out they're delish. Given I dislike 98.7% of fruit this is quite the find.

I rarely let my hair be curly so you may have one (1) peek of it before I went out. It's windy here so it will be triple size shortly. No, idk what my facial expression is doing here

I'm going out tonight. Currently attacking my entire body with products.

I joined threads but it's 90% obviously AI stories about aMuSiNG sItUAtiONs

He doesn't see the masses as real people. They're either exploitable assets or a drain. Whatever future he's seeing in his mad lil noggin - those people are not invited.

I want to do this for 9 hours

So my kids are in their 20s now but I saw the kids 10 years younger than mine being idolised to the point of zero behaviour standards/boundaries in public and now it feels like we're going back to the modern equivalent of how my parents raised us in the 80s - "just go and play." Also WHEN did it

WHY IS EVERY SINGLE THING BEING RUINED BY AI. This is what radicalised me.

TUCCI IS DOING A SERIES ABOUT UK FOOD. YES. TUCCI. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

Just wanted to see if the M&S in Wakefield is still open. Why is one of the suggested questions not like the others??

New fit. Her tail is blurred in almost every picture 🥲

The puppy has been signed off to be a mental/bouncy terror again so we stopped at the pet shop for new toys* She has to wear the vest and look a bit like a Boston dynamics terminator for another week *she shat on the shop floor ** she's getting a new vest later as she's nearly chewed through this

Clearly this is not a healthy haul BUT if you want to fill your freezer up for cheeeeap Farmfoods are doing ten things for a tenner. There are other things but these are the ten I got.

Obviously Instagram has too much fake/filtered/overly- perfect crap but the backlash has gone too far. "I haven't washed up for 3 days" "my kids trash the living room" "this is a real 47 year old ass." OK, thank you I did not come to the pretty pictures app for this

I'm on a corporate thing. Managed to hobble here fast enough to not be late which is all the win I'm expecting this morning

You could put any of these in a shop today and I would buy them all. (Especially the bowl with feet)

I'm on a thing for work tomorrow that will undoubtedly involve ICEBREAKERS. And I've had to google to see if the really old building has a lift (it does) because I can currently only get up a step with one leg so stairs take an embarrassing length of time

Paid 6 quid to park and go to an artisanal market and to the nice cafe next door. There were 6 stalls (2 were food trucks) and the cafe was shut 🙃

Hearing that this is a "camera tripod" and not a "weird sex-thing"

Just rang a call centre and they gave me the "high call volume" bullshit before it clicked through to the bit where they're CURRENTLY SHUT

THEY SHOULD SHOW ALL THE NESCAFE ADVERTS

The puppy will only take her painkillers if they're hidden in her food. And she's on wet food for a few days which she loves. All this means she now gets properly excited at the sound of me crushing tablets

Oh fucking hell, Anthony Head. Even though he abandoned Buffy it's so sad.

Wfh today/tomorrow because my knee is too fat to drive

In an illustrious career of dislocating bits of myself I've just done my personal second worst. Full right knee twisted out while I had all my weight on it. Bent the leg out of shape and dropped me in such a way I've smashed both wrists. Took three tries to straighten the leg and pop it back 😭

If you want to know who the happiest dog in the world is - Lola (despite being 2 days post spay and having had a reaction to the painkillers that made her shit blood) is currently asleep and dreaming and her tail is thumping on the cushions

Someone in this shop just asked for a 50 ppund Vodafone top-up. It's 2001 apparently

We were all so worried about the puppy yesterday. 24 hours post surgery:

Happy Pride month! Also happy get-the-fuck-off-my-account if you follow me and consider yourself to be gEnDEr cRItiCaL or any of that shite 🎉🏳️‍🌈

When you've had your ovaries removed but you're still stylish

GCSE biology teacher who lost her shit and shouted at me in lesson that I was clever but going to fail because I didn't work hard enough. She set a really hard test the next lesson. I got 90%. The closest other score was 36%. She was visibly enraged when she handed the scores out.