How early is too early for Viennetta?

I want to buy an ice cream truck and change it so that in winter I can drive around selling coffee, tea, hot chocolote, and hot pastries.

Get a good night's sleep? In this economy?! I'm too poor for that.

This hot water bottle for my feet might be the best thing I’ve EVER bought.

Tonight I fixed a bug that I'd been stuck with for over a week, so to celebrate I'm drinking my rum out of a glass, like a proper grown up.

I'm a solid 10, but only in Binary.

Is it too late to fix my Spotify Wrapped so I don't look like a lunatic with the consistency of sloppy gravy?

There is not a single movie that wouldn't be improved by adding Muppets to it.

Realised I could hook up my Mac to my telly, so did what any grown man would do: Played Football Manager on the big screen. (I’m 45 years old…)

Just saw a post about Americans being upset that wandering the streets with glasses of wine and chatting with friends is illegal there, and I think I may now have my weekend plan sorted in good old Britain.

Name two words that rhyme but should never go together. I’ll start: Fun run.

I believe every man who doesn’t have a beard would look better with a beard.

How many rodeos is the right number of rodeos for me to know what I'm doing? Because I'm way past my first rodeo and still haven't got a clue.

I want a show of Nick and Joe travelling the country in an old school mini. Don’t even care what they’re doing on the trip. #TheTraitors

Linda is looking at Alan and thinking it should’ve been her. #TheTraitors

Joe could eat Nick and STILL manage three Weetabix. #TheTraitors

Imagine living in the age when the invention of sliced bread was the best thing EVER. Simpler times. Good times.

Just received a welcome email from my own company that I didn't know was being sent out today, and I can't stop smiling about it! @whingewhingewine.co.uk is bloody good at this. (And if you haven't signed up to www.42thingstodo.net yet, what are you waiting for?!)

It’s not everyday you launch the business and application that you’ve had in your head for a decade. Time for wine, I think. www.42thingstodo.net (If you find bugs I’d love it if you message me to say where and what!)

Just discovered the phrase Schroedinger's Douchebag, and I need to add this to my vocabulary.

Pretty sure soon I'll do my grocery shopping and not be able to eat anything until I've downloaded an app for it. "What a nice orange! Better register on the Orinj app and give them all my data so I can enjoy it fully and receive orange-related news, alerts and updates for the rest of my life."

Kids today have grown up without DVD director commentary, and boy does that show.

Just heard someone from OK Go say “There’s no idea until you’ve played.” I think I’ve found a new motto.

Healthcare professionals: if you’re dealing with a child and their divorced parents, please don’t automatically just talk to the mum and exclude the dad. Especially after you’re told that custody and parental responsibility is entirely shared 50/50. Thankyouplease

For someone who doesn't believe in reincarnation, I spend far too much time happily planning how much better I'm going to do it when I get my second go at being in my 20s.

A day will come when cooking instruction writers will accept that none of us know the wattage of our microwaves, or preheat our ovens. But it is not this day.

Mystery date today! Well, it’s not really a mystery for me as I booked it, but she doesn’t know where we’re going. I hope this turns out at least half as well as I think it will…

It's my boy's 19th birthday tomorrow and he was supposed to be having the boys over for a poker night, but every single one of them has pulled out. So instead he's coming over and we're going to drink beer and watch Taskmaster for the evening.

By the way, the fact that all three of these shows are on at the same time makes this my favourite time of the year.

What show would you rather be on out of: - Strictly Come Dancing - Taskmaster - The Traitors #Strictly #Taskmaster #TheTraitors

Shoutout to my daughter, who realised on a car journey that she’d accidentally connected to the Spotify jam of the BMW in front of us, and proceeded to queue up Witch Doctor by Cartoons on repeat for 15 miles. And yes, I stayed close to him so he couldn’t change it. Sorry not sorry, James.

How is Joe Wilkinson 50?! #TheTraitors

Snooze buttons are pointless. Just set the alarm for when you need to get up and get up then.

Too much to remember! It's started relationships, given me holidays, introduced me to many of my closest friends, got me jobs, on telly, given me support when I've needed it the most, helped me with gifts for my kids, helped get me through lockdown, taught me so much, and generally been a laugh.

Once a year you should be allowed to look around your neighbour's house. Just, you know, to see what it's like, how they've arranged things differently to you, and what the hell they've put next to your wall that's so bloody loud ALL THE TIME.

The day I realised that nobody cares how many unread emails I have, and that it won't change a single thing in my world, THAT was a freeing day.

Has anyone actually seen Alan Carr and Linda in the same room at the same time…? #TheTraitors

I'm less than two weeks from soft launching my business and realised today that I need to make a simple but fundamental change to over 2000 activities, and all of the algorithms that they feed. Damnit.

I've been working on a new business idea for a couple of months and been given a potential deadline by a friend to be ready for launch. Deadlines are wonderfully focusing for the mind, aren't they?! (Might need some beta testers soon if any of you are up for it...?)

Genuine question - has Stephen Graham ever been shit in anything? Or even in anything that was shit?

If you don’t get an irrational fear when a police car is driving near you, despite knowing that you’ve done nothing wrong, then you are a more stable human than I am.

How long can a company claim -without it growing - that it’s still “evolving structures”? Just seen it mentioned for a company I left several years ago - sooner or later they’ve just got to accept that they’ve got deep structural issues to sort out.

Got my in-laws stating at mine for a weekend for the first time and I’m surprisingly nervous! Already started cooking. Prepping the French onion soup for tomorrow’s starter, and marinating the chicken for tikka masala tonight. Will start drying and seasoning the steaks in the morning.

The purpose of some days is simply to get you to tomorrow.

Debating with my friends whether or not to start up a movie club between us. Like, we all love the idea of a book club, but none of us will make that much time to read. Movies feel a bit more realistic.

Anyone else using the new Mix feature on Spotify? I quite like it - definitely better for house, dance, DnB, that sort of thing than guitar-based stuff. Definitely plays around with the BPM to make somethings match, though, which I could do without.

What's that, Apple Watch? Time to stand? Actually I think it's Time-To-Shut-The-Fuck-Up-And-Leave-Me-Alone.

There's still time for you to fix your frankly awful Spotify Wrapped if you try hard enough. Go on! I believe in you!

It’s only the Rapture if it’s sourced from the Heaven’s Gate region, otherwise it’s just sparkling lift-off.

I’m starting wonder whether Madame Tussaud even HAD a first name. Or friends who weren’t made of wax.