KFC advertising has to be some of the maddest shit on tv. None of it makes sense, and then they change it to something even weirder.

It’s alright, though - they’ll suspend the red card for Quansah for a year so he can play in the next round, right? Right?!

Discovered my mum has always wanted to visit the British Library and British Museum but never managed it. So that’s our Sunday plans sorted then. #42Things

Spent yesterday doing some culture at the Rest Is History festival. Classy.

Why do the whistles in rugby and football sound so fundamentally different?!

You know what, some people say Messi is better than Lewis Holtby, and on current form I think I agree with them.

I don't understand how I can have climbed five mountains in 48 hours and somehow GAINED weight.

Joe Hart looks like a pez dispenser.

Pro tip: Hot water bottles can work both ways - the water inside doesn't need to be hot. Pop some water in one and stick it in the freezer. You're welcome.

Life is like a toilet roll. At the start it feels like it'll go on forever, but towards the end it runs out real quick.

The guy she told you not to worry about versus you.

Small detail - just noticed that the NZ shirts mention both Ireland and England, which means they’ve used the same shirts for both series. Thrifty.

Ignore the haters - London tap water is EXCELLENT.

Benjamin Bunny, teaching kids that incest is fine since 1904.

These hydration breaks are absolute bullshit. #worldcup

Sponsorship alert... At the end of this month I'm going on a little walk, and attempting to complete the Five Peaks Challenge: hiking up every one of the highest peaks in Scotland, England, Wales, Ireland, and Northern Ireland, all within 48 hours.

The Streets last night were EPIC. Never thought I’d get to see a full run-through of A Grand Don’t Come For Free.

Was Bob Ross… … … …hot?

Happy one day Champions League Final anniversary to all who celebrate it.

Why don’t they make movies like Smokey and the Bandit anymore?!

£4.40. There’s only one thing that ‘a small enough to fit in my hand that’s worth that much, and it shouldn’t be available for sale or rent in Gail’s.

Isn't it mad that going a day without buying anything is a massive achievement these days? I half expect only being allowed to breathe with a subscription soon. That company would probably unironically call itself Lorax or some shit like that.

I keep seeing the fact that the new grass smell is actually a distress signal that grass releases when injured, warning nearby plants of danger. What the fuck are those nearby plants going to do about it? Run away?!

Just started “training” for the five peaks challenge I’m doing in six weeks. All five UK and Irish peaks in 48 hours. So a walk around my neighbourhood in Kent for an hour and a half is perfect prep, right?!

Even during all the years of Utd dominance, City’s 115 charges, Chelsea’s financial doping, and Liverpool’s arrogance, has there EVER been a premier league winning team more universally disliked than this Woolwich side?

I made a massive mistake by not being born into generational wealth.

My daughter just asked me who "Pasto" was, why everybody hates him, and why they were advertising that they hate him on food. Antipasto. She was asking about antipasto.

Just realised that this is the first day in memory that I've not spent extra money. Got food in the fridge for dinner and will be avoiding all online shops for the next several hours to complete this miser's marathon. I can do this.

My son is playing in a tournament on the PS5 right now. I'm seriously tempted to start downloading some massive file to ruin his connection, so he gets an idea of what it's like for me to be on work calls which start glitching as soon as he gets home from school

I've been roped into doing the Five Peak Challenge in June, and the bastards organising it just told me that I should exercise beforehand so I am able to make it round. Fuckers never mentioned this when I signed up.

Is there a more universally loved human than David Attenborough?

Happy Local Elections Day to all who celebrate it.

Feeling like I need a little more whimsy in my week. Does that make me lackawhimsical?

Barman here. I don't know who started this "queueing single-file at the pub" business but it needs to end. You're not actually getting served any quicker. They wouldn't have designed bars to be long and wide if they intended on people forming a fucking queue.

Today I learned not to mix 20kg of tile adhesive if you’re not able to finish the entire tiling job in under 20 minutes.

My Nan has been putting money away for my kids since they were born, and has decided to give it to them early. My 13yr old boy instantly asked me to help him open an ISA, so he could save instead of spend it. I’m beyond proud - he’s going to be so much better than me with money.

Looks like my wildflower garden is starting to come through in year two.

Spent my lunchtime fixing a broken smoke machine I've bought for my Eurovision party, but as it's a surprise I can't even tell my kids how I surprised and impressed myself by working it all out.

Kids: Dad, play “wrong answers only with us!” Me: Sure! Kids: Who’s your favourite child? Me: I don’t have a favourite child. Kids: It’s meant to be wrong answers only. Me: I know how this game works. Kids: ...

Just paid off all of my credit cards and finance accounts. Fuck me, that feels good to type.

Was out in Walthamstow watching an Iain Stirling comedy recording, and my brother just sent me a photo of me that he was sent by a random person. I really need to work on my posture.

Two girls on the train are talking VERY LOUDLY. One is proudly talking about her sugar daddy. Apparently he bought her not three, not six, not nine, but TWENTY chicken nuggets. In one meal. Decadent. Truly, romance is alive.

Bloody love this. From an oblivious guy who never did this in rel life himself - ask them out, people!