BLITZER: Now we’re getting reports that one of the bullet casings was engraved with a message saying that if you are reading the casing, you are gay. We must warn our viewers we’re about to show the photo and don’t know at this time whether the engraving is what makes you gay or if it just tells you

Based on this shirt and the theory that the shooter used a gun, this narrows it down to someone who had access to a gun store that sells the kind of shirts sold at gun stores. bsky.app/profile/acha...

An international incident

I'm 5 days late in responding because my plans for any given week usually don't result in me executing on said plans, but I FINALLY got myself out last night to see a local band I've been wanting to see forever. And oh my GOODness, this woman's voice! Check out Mutual Head! youtu.be/t0qmN4RtkCE

I guess I've reached my breaking point for cold-call text messages from sales guys pretending like we've ever interacted before.

I love Gilliam, but Spielberg did this one movie 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘢 𝘥𝘶𝘥𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘵 𝘢 𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘬 𝘐𝘕 𝘛𝘏𝘌 𝘍𝘈𝘊𝘌. That's not "stupid"; it's literally the American Dream! bsky.app/profile/derf...

Why does actor and underage-orgy enthusiast Rob Lowe want to know what happens to my dog when I feed him bananas? That's none of your business, Rob Lowe—get a new fetish, you voyeuristic freak!

Analogously, following 1994's 𝘑𝘢𝘳 𝘰𝘧 𝘍𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘴, Alice in Chains hadn't toured for over a year before entering the studio to record 𝘈𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘊𝘩𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘴. Being away from the suspended state of emotional animation of touring yielded yet another Grammy-nominated hit about ordinary life: bsky.app/profile/mich...

I need gallery space for an art installation consisting of 5 rooms, each representing the stages of grief. "Anger": visitors are blindfolded and provided a bat to smash everything in the room. Removal of the blindfold reveals that the destroyed objects were their personal possessions.

When the little shit manning the counter completely lowballs your vinyl collection and suggests that the Aron Carter autograph is a fake because “He spells it with two A's, like on the album cover” and you set 'em straight with a "Welp, looks like you just lost yourself a customer."

Okay, so apparently if I want an image of "Pamela Anderson and Liam Neeson at The Naked Gun Premier, and Neeson has visible pee stains, because apparently he's just allowed to piss himself in public all the time with no backlash", I have to make it myself? Fine.

You've gotta hand it to this season's writers who were like "What if when people go searching for whether Trump has ever used the word 'enigma', the only video of him doing so also has him talking about child molestation?" youtu.be/aK26UbEazvg?...

At this point, the most likely scenario is that Trump and Clinton separately hired an assassin to take out Epstein, and the missing video footage shows that both would-be killers coincidentally arrived at the exact same time, only to discover that Epstein had killed himself just a few moments prior.

Somewhere in Twitter HQ, Musk is hovering over some poor H-1B worker demanding them to cut and paste "Grok's entire source code file" into the query window over and over—"Is it AGI yet? No? Again! How about now? Again! AgainAgainAgain!" bsky.app/profile/pale...

impossible not to hear this in Patrick Bateman's voice

We need youth, and we need charisma. Chester Carville, Jr. has been absolutely KILLING IT at an advisory level for YEARS behind the scenes, and if the Democratic Party has ANY chance at success in 2026, it absolutely goes through him. bsky.app/profile/mari...

My wife: The dog just settled down for his nap, PLEASE don't get him worked up. Me:

Imagine it's just a few months after 𝘕𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥 and 𝘛𝘦𝘯 changed the world and you're worried that metal is dead. You get to band practice and a giddy Dave Mustaine is all "Hey guys, I wrote a little sumthin' that's gonna make 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺one forget about that grunge nonsense," and then he hits you with

What actor's expression in a movie will stay with you for the rest of your life?

BREAKING: The Disembodied Holographic Head of Jeffrey Epstein Announces "I Didn't Kill Myself, But I'd Kill To Vote Andrew Cuomo"!

This show was soooooo ahead of it's time, and it's a shame that the studio panicked and dropped Cuff & Link not even like halfway through the first season—you gotta give a show some time to breathe and find its audience!

Do you think Seth Green still looks at his ape, or do you think he got mad at it? youtu.be/kHHT5iUeV8g?...

Me: I have a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career... Guy On Bus [removing earbuds]: huh? You talking to me? Me: Specifically, dressing up my knee as beloved & not-so-beloved figures from cinema. Oh, and a certain elegant First Lady bsky.app/profile/jazz...

Also, this isn't just “Ukrainians are insanely good at covertly planning and executing extraordinarily difficult missions" without tipping off Russian intelligence, but also *US* intelligence, because they absolutely couldn't risk the current US admin betraying them to Putin bsky.app/profile/fain...

It's a shame that Vanilla Ice got robbed from playing Thomas J opposite Anna Chlumsky in 𝘔𝘺 𝘎𝘪𝘳𝘭, and we're forever just stuck dreaming about what might have been. He NAILED what was leaked from his audition tape (rumor is he brought his own hive of bees, but I'm not sure if I buy that one, lol)

Suffering from an index finger that's COLD and DRY? Tired of throwing away dollar after dollar on expensive solutions that SIMPLY DON'T WORK? Introducing The Little Dog, "Keeping Index Fingers Warm And Moist Since 2024!"

Man, say what you will about ChatGPT, but the 4o model is *really* starting to show signs of actual "intelligence." Two years ago, it would've answered: 1) Mr. Snuffleupagus 2) Bad Santa 3) Sorry, I couldn't find any information about a TV show called Gilmore Girls

Trying to get your new pup to stop humping the couch? Were you advised to hump it yourself (or maybe hump HIM) in an effort to assert dominance? Wrong! Most trainers recommend against it!

Okay, so why didn't anyone ever inform me that the Rush guy was the result of some sicko cramming Bono and 𝘓𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘙𝘦𝘨𝘪𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘒𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘦 𝘓𝘦𝘦 producer Michael Gelman into a Brundle Pod? It seriously explains so so much.

I love that trope where the boy takes off the nerdy girl’s glasses and it turns out she was actually a real piece of shit.

Sir Ian McKellen didn't study Shakespeare with dreams of strutting his ass in a lonely blue room

Is this where I'm supposed to brag about how 6 months into staring at me knees during the pandemic, delirium hit me with sudden inspiration to dress them up as Jackie Kenneknee Onassis, Eugkneene Levy, and Paulknee Shore aka The Knee-sal?

I'm at the age where my doctor said I should get screened for colon cancer, so I mailed my poop to Wisconsin and got a text message a day later that I gotta do it again because my morning dump was too big. This is so fucking embarrassing. cc: @octopuscaveman.bsky.social

What's your dancing style like?

Smylie built this with a box of scraps in less than 48 hours. Meanwhile, if you sealed Elon Musk in a cave with a box of scraps and checked in on him in 48 hours, you'd find: no box, twice as many scraps, and the 47-hour-old corpse of Elon Musk missing a limb. bsky.app/profile/nyti...

By the phrasing here, the implication is that in Jersey, there's also an 𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘨𝘢𝘭 way to sell photos of one's feet? Presumably, it's like the ban on hawking loosie cigarettes—you can't be standing outside a gas station selling pics of a single toe. bsky.app/profile/chri...

RFK JR's lesson from the Zapruder film is that if JFK had drank a raw milk & sewage smoothie that AM, he would've been doubled over in that car, trying his best to not shit out his intestines all over Jackie's pink Chanel suit—Oswald wouldn't have had a shot. Diarrhea could've saved a man's life.

No one's gonna stand for staring down empty shelves and calling their partner to explain: "Hey babe, all they got is British rubbers. The sizes are all fucky, though. They got: 𝘓𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘺!, 𝘐𝘵'𝘴 𝘈 𝘞𝘦𝘦 𝘉𝘪𝘵, 𝘐𝘯𝘯𝘪𝘵?, & 𝘈 𝘓𝘰𝘢𝘥 𝘖𝘧 𝘛𝘰𝘴𝘩. I dunno, you wanna just do hand stuff tonight?" bsky.app/profile/jkuz...

Legit had no idea Prevost did a bit of a voice work back in the 80s. Always cool when you find out someone was part of your childhood like that without you even knowing

Apparently we definitely have our first 𝘛𝘰𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘎𝘰 Pope? I desperately need to know his favorite track off Lungs

I just don't think old people should be giving each other handies in public

When it comes to staying at a B&B in the Transylvanian backcountry, I want to be free to form a relationship with the local dracula, look him in the eyes, pet his Renfield, and then decide if I feel safe to ritualistically drink the blood from his opulent chalice bsky.app/profile/bgru...

Hiring Manager: So why do you want to join our team? What makes you stand out above all the other candidates? Me, on two hours sleep, hunting my hangover for the name of their damn clown mascot: bsky.app/profile/jame...

Handing my barber one of these photos when he says "What'll it be today?" and getting pissed when it doesn't look as good as the picture

Love that the map that's being used to mock these respondents conveniently leaves out Alaska and Hawaii, which would: 1) prove these people correct 2) reveal that Hawaii is part of the Deep South bsky.app/profile/jera...