Habanero ghost jack cheese

Watching baseball @jonbois.bsky.social

BrookeBaybee has to think about her entire life before she shitposts

Every episode of Storage Wars: "I'm thinking I made a bad choice with this locker. It's just a bunch of piss jars! Oh? Wait a minute, wait a minute. I found 200 grams of Platinum!"

Millennial Forrest Gump and he makes his fortune off of crypto

Gator calls for ade

Fiancée: (On me hobbling around on my arthritic knee) You're moving around like a combat veteran. Like a World War II hero Me: Yeah, I was at the Battle of the Girl Bulge

Fiancée: (On me hobbling around on my arthritic knee) You're moving around like a combat veteran. Like a World War II hero Me: Yeah, I was at the Battle of the Girl Bulge

Paper winning because it "covers" rock makes it comparable to a chastity cage

You have been sentenced to hang by the neck until orgasm

If your onions ain't sweatin', your meal's worth forgettin'

Hard times create strong men. Strong men lift big rocks. Big rocks are cool, but not as cool as that little rock you found on the ground that one time. Make of that as you will

What is the sound of one cheek clapping?

This butterfly needs to stop dreaming that it's me. Go back to flapping around and pollinating shit little bro

Sorry babe, I think we need to reschedule date night. I'm being cancelled for saying that Papa Smurf is more fuckable than Smurfette

Hard times create strong men. Strong men lift big rocks. Big rocks are cool, but not as cool as that little rock you found on the ground that one time. Make of that as you will

I could've had the war wrapped up instantly by not doing it

Yeah, I'm bisexual. I'm attracted to women and nerdy British men that make banging electronic music

*Ordering at Steak and Shake* Yeah, can I get uhhhhhhhh a steak and uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh how about a shake?

There's no such thing as a run-on sentence; only cowards too scared of prose longer than noun-verb-noun-period

You are over there being an April Fool, whilst I am over here being an April Sage

There are decades where nothing happens and there are weeks where Centuries of Humiliation happen

For sale: breakaway pants. Never broken away.

Personally, if a garbanzo wanted to bean on my face, I wouldn't say no

Calling up every media company and pitching "Hot Ones, but it's progressively stronger weed"

Life is like a toothbrush: sometimes dry, sometimes wet

LET'S FUCKING GO PALENCIA

Thank you, Geno. Very cool!

"Capitalism breeds innovation", yet it is not mandatory to use color-coded plate covers to show which outlets are controlled by which switch in a home

Always post that shitpost you thought of while falling asleep. You will forget about it in the morning

I'm just like any other person. I put my pants on 5 legs at a time

The government wants over a trillion for war against Iran. For a comparatively smaller price of 1 billion, I will not go to war with Iran. Consider this offer

Commenting "Guess they listened to my mixtape haha" under every single post of a burning military base

*Drake and Travis Scott voice* Cells within cells (ay-yuh) Interlinked (interlinked)

Some if y'all don't know the first meaning of "ganrielfuebad"

Olympic curling my beloved

I smell a market inefficiency with all these LLMs that reaffirm literally everything you tell them, so within the next couple of years we're getting the AI that negs you

Tell me about the rabbits, Grok

I'm not mad, I just don't like the cut of your gib

Everyone! You'll never believe this! I invented a new year! It's called 2026... *notices I've been beaten to market* Great! Well there goes my fucking retirement!

Ok, we're approaching midnight. It's just three words. You can do this. "5, 4, 3, 2, 1, CRAPPY NEW YEAR!!! ...FUCK!"

My presidential platform will consist solely of prosecuting all ISP executives for providing shit service and I will get 99% of the popular vote

Opinions are like assholes: yours are stinky

I've done breakfast for dinner many a time, but I've never been so daring as to attempt brunch for dinner

Don't let the door hit you on your way out! If you do, there's a glitch that softlocks the game and you have to start a new save

Life of Brian is a Christmas movie

Triceratops best dinosaur

No fortune in my fortune cookie. Goodbye everyone. I wish I spent more time posting

My posts with no likes aren't bad, they're just temporarily embarrassed bangers

Damn, this cat really loves lasagna