Fuck. My USA Ryder Cup team isn’t making me look very good, actually. I’m pissed. Have them rounded up after the tournament and sent to a gulag… And have ICE arrest and deport the entire European team to El Salvador. Ungrateful fucks. Everyone made me look bad. Believe me. #RyderCup

I want Jack, Mace, and Perry DEPORTED TO EL SALVADOR! FUCKING NOW!!! And get me some more ketchup!

Fucking traitor. Can I unpardon him? I want him back in prison. Bigly. Believe me.

Not true, actually. Only Presidents named “Donald J Trump” are immune, OK? I paid good money to own SCOTUS. I didn’t do that to help Obama. I HATE that guy! He’s better than me at EVERYTHING. Believe me.

Shut the fuck up, you dumbass cretin! Are you SURE you’re my kid? I’m not convinced. You’re a low-IQ moron, OK? Plus you’re so ugly, they slapped Ivana’s face when you were born. Are you trying to get me arrested? Why am I surrounded by so many incompetent losers? #EpsteinFiles #PedophileDonny

My base, actually. The dumbest marks a grifter could wish for, actually. They’re poor and smell. Bigly. They’re so dumb, they supported me when I took away the Social Security benefits they’d spent their pathetic lives earning, just to give my billionaire pals tax-breaks. Losers. Sad. Believe me.

Ghislaine Maxwell is so unlucky, actually. Her crooked Dad, Cap’n Bob, fell off his yacht in mysterious circumstances. Her boyfriend, Jeff, broke his neck in his cell. Maybe that might happen to her? Who knows. I could pardon her, but she has a big mouth. Maybe she’s better silenced… Believe me.

People ask me why the girls called me and Jeff Epstein “Mushroom & Egg” when we were out on the town, actually. I have no idea! It’s definitely not because of the shapes of our dicks. Absolutely not. That’s not the reason. I’ll sue anyone who says otherwise. Believe me.

That’s just for starters, actually. We’re going to invest 500 Quintillion Bazillion dollars just at Mar-a-Lago. Just at Mar-a-Lago. Nobody else is getting any. Certainly not Elon. I sold the #EpsteinList (with one name redacted) to Vladimir for his #Kompromat collection. He paid bigly. Believe me.

Let me clear things up… There is no Epstein list. It was on Pam’s desk and then it never existed, OK? He trafficked girls to his pals, and filmed them, blackmailing them for $Ms. He was not my pal. Not after he blackmailed me and took me to the cleaners. I never met him, actually. Believe me

My base, actually. Just the dumbest marks a grifter could wish for. Even now, they haven’t realized that I am one of the Elite Pedophiles on Epstein’s List! Why else wouldn’t I release it? Doh! So dumb. Sad. Believe me.

It worked for me. Believe me.

I don’t know why there’s all this interest in Epstein, actually. I used to hang out with him. He was a lot of fun. Until the blackmail arrived. So I stopped being his pal. Girls used to love meeting us both. They called us “Mushroom & Egg”, but I never found out why… Now he’s dead. Believe me.

I don’t know why there’s all this interest in Epstein, actually. I used to hang out with him. He was a lot of fun. Until the blackmail arrived. So I stopped being his pal. Girls used to love meeting us both. They called us “Mushroom & Egg”, but I never found out why… Now he’s dead. Believe me.

Shit. I’m fucked.

When Pam said: —There was no Epstein Client List. —Epstein committed suicide. she misspoke. What she MEANT to say is: —The Dems created the Epstein Client List AND PUT THEMSELVES ON IT. —They then murdered Epstein to stop him blackmailing him. We’re still not releasing the list because, um, er, …

This is a great idea, that I just had, actually. Pam! Get on this right-away. Start with the obvious, like Bill Clinton. And then add all the others. Including Hilary and Kamala. They must have been Epstein “clients”, right? Fixed. Believe me.

I could be convinced, actually. She hasn’t blown me in living memory. And she’s not looking as good as she used to. She’s maybe a 3. At best. I’m still hot. I should move one of my teenage fans into the White House. Melania wouldn’t like me doing that… #EpsteinFiles

Fuck it, Pam! I thought you were going to have those videos DESTROYED! If you think you can get a pay-raise by holding them over me, you're mistaken. I'll set Stephen Miller on you. Believe me.

It’s amazing, actually. They’ve recreated the exact scent I exude. I like to think it smells like Victory. But the focus group used words like “shit”, “diarrhea”, “sweat”, and “vomit”. I don’t care. My dumb base will buy it, splash it all over their dirty little faces, and gag for days. Believe me.

People are saying bibbity bobbity Iran enrichment Duran Duran it’s just a bad word, OK? Gobbledegook covfefe hamberders. It’s simple. Wibble wobble aced my cognitive… tray? No. Cogni… Anyway. Believe me.

I hate Bullshit Bibi! He says I have to bomb Iran. So I bypass the diplomacy Liddle' Marco isn't doing, and ignore Congress, and put our Suckers & Losers in harm's way to bomb Iran. Bigly. Then I would announce I Ended the War and get my NOBEL PEACE PRIZE. But for Bombing Bibi! Believe me.

People are saying that "Bullshit" Bibi "The War Criminal" Netanyahoo pulled my pants down and showed the world my miniature mushroom. I hate that guy! Believe me.

PLEASE STOP ALL THE WARS! I need my NOBEL PEACE PRIZE! Thank you for your attention to this matter. I have spoken. DEMENTED DONNY, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

I'm PISSED! War Criminal Bibi told me that he was going to honor my ceasefire—which would have been the first time he ever did that—then he DROPS HIS BOMBS on Iran! Fucking slimy weasel! He made me look like a total moron. In front of the whole world. HE FUCKED MY NOBEL PEACE PRIZE! Believe me.

Your quick guide to Trumpspeak: “In two weeks” = “Never” “People are saying…” = “I think…” “Fake News” = “It’s true” “Believe me” = “I’m lying” “Stable Genius” = “Total dumbass” “I have all the best people” = “I hire incompetents” “Grab ‘em by the pussy” = “Grab ‘em by the pussy”

I have the biggest and best poles, actually. Melania laughed when she first saw the one I keep in my pants. She couldn’t believe it’s size! It’s true. All my ladies laugh when they see it! They’ve never seen anything like it before! Believe me.

Macron is wrong, actually. I went back to DC because everyone was laughing at me and calling me a demented dumbass. Believe me.

It’s a great phone service, actually. We record everything you say and do, and if we don’t like what we’re seeing, there will be consequences, OK? So you have nothing to worry about. It’s tremendous. Believe me.

I’m going to use the North Korean army, next time. Believe me.

What kind of perade was that, actually? A bunch of squeaky tanks, guys holding drones above their heads, and soldiers shuffling along like they’re in a queue for the latrine? Is that the best these suckers and losers can do? I think we don’t need them. Putin has offered his army to defend us…

People are saying my parade was an expensive shit show. That nobody showed up and that I slept through it all, actually. That’s Fake News. I only slept through PART of it. Believe me.

My birthday parade is YUGE, actually. Literally TRILLIONS of people are enjoying My Army marching. So entertaining, OK? People are saying it’s the most fun they’ve had since Dumb Jr. caught his dick in his zipper. It’s true. Putin wants a video, it’s so good. Believe me.

I make all the best Fake Deals, actually. Believe me.

OK, Elon. How about this: I get to keep my new Tesla, you get to impregnate Melania; plus you keep your government contracts if you don’t rat me out for rigging my election win… capiche? If not, Vlad advised me to tell you to stay away from high windows. Believe me.

Your Pope name is: Last thing you ate + number of letters in your first name. This makes me Pope Hamberder VI. I won the conclave, actually. That would have been a great name. Believe me.

I would be an amazing Pope, actually. Just think of all the money I could make selling “indulgences”, annulling troublesome marriages, and issuing decrees…? I would be tremendous. The Borgias would have nothing on the Trumps. Believe me.

It’s simple. If you ignore all the drinks he’s had since I appointed him, like I have, then he’s completely teetotal, actually. Believe me.

It’s true, actually. It works in so many ways… If you don’t test for COVID, nobody gets COVID. If you ignore the unemployed, everyone has a job. If you ignore the stocks that are down, the stock market is up. Like nobody ever saw before. Believe me.

I know trillions of people are coming to my Birthday, um, I mean Military Parade. It’s tremendous. A bunch of suckers and losers parading in my honor! And it’s being paid for by the taxes of the smelly peasants who voted for me. Sad. It’s going to be a YUGE parade, actually. Believe me.

Easy. “Pope Hamberder” for the win…

It’s true. I make the Borgia’s look like saintly amateurs, actually. So much corruption. And I have amazing Kompromat on the Cardinals, so it might just happen. Believe me.

I had a wet dream about Donald Trump where I ran him over with a golf cart and pissed myself laughing.

Your guide to Trumpskeak: —Biden wrecked the economy = I wrecked it —I should become Pope = I’m the Anti-Christ —I make all the best deals = please make a deal with me —Tariffs are great = we’re fucked —It’s Fake News = it’s true —Believe me = I’m lying —Grab ‘em by the pussy = grab ‘em by the pussy

People are saying it’s extremely rare for a businessman to be incompetent enough to bankrupt a casino. But I have ACHIEVED THAT FIVE TIMES! Like nobody ever saw before. Nobody else is capable of doing what I can do. That’s why Vladimir hand-picked me to run the US government. It’s true. Believe me.

Elon has outstayed his welcome, actually. He’s as popular as diarrhea in a spacesuit, OK? Talking of which, should be maybe actually go to Mars? Everyone would love him for doing that. And he could take his evil brat, X, with him. That kid even makes Dumb Jr. look like a nice child. Believe me.

It’s all Joe Biden’s fault. Everything bad is down to him. All the good stuff is mine. People are saying it’s the other way around. But that’s the problem with facts. They make me look bad. So I have to use alternative facts. Some people call them “lies”. But that’s OK. Believe me.

I’ve decided to become Pope, actually. It’s a fantastic grifting opportunity, and I get to make infallible pronouncements. It’s fantastic. All I have to do is bribe some cardinals. Did I mention I have the best Kompromat? It’s true. They’ll be kissing my ring in no time. Believe me.

Shit. Is there a certain “pee tape” in there? I need to know, actually. Because it’s far, far, FAR worse than everyone thinks. If they have it, I’m fucked. Believe me.