One of my best Father's Day gifts. Not only has it increased the amount of water I drink everyday but I'm down to two shots of coffee from four. Not to mention that my sense of moral superiority has increased 18% over the same period.

Started drinking more water and lost weight while cutting down on coffee consumption. Man, do I HATE it when Millennial BS actually works.

Fuel prices are not normal, but fell immediately after the Iran conflict was resolved. Yet, steak prices still high ahead of July 4. If elected, I will support the creation of a strategic steak reserve. Also, the development of liquefied natural steak. I'm David Z and I support this message.

Cilantro exists in only one of two physical forms: rotten, and "we are out of cilantro."

Respond with a cartoon moment that is something that you would say to human resources after you give notice. I'll start.

Honestly the best post-apocalypse fiction I'm reading right now is the NYTimes. www.nytimes.com/video/podcas...

There is now a not insignificant sized slice in the pie chart of my life that is labeled "listening to the game of thrones opening credits".

This is just to say by David Zweifler to the scammer using the name William Carlos William I have read the offer you sent to my inbox in which you were probably helping me publish Forgive me for deleting it it's fake and you're dead.

The Iran war is over. www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDAX...

If you're old and you have bad taste in clothes, you can find yourself in a parallel Dorian Grey situation where you and your portraits progressively look more and more awful.

Watching the first episode of Spider Noir. Serious question: Are there any good movies or TV shows that start with an exposition dump?

NYTimes: Are peaches healthy? Yes they are! Now, let's take those delicious fruits you're eating already and integrate them into seven dreadful recipes!

Just a reminder that if you're the parent of a surly, unappreciative teen, it's because of AI.

The first rule of doing a Reichstag fire is that you need to remember to get out of the building.

Spirit air hidden menu, available for a small additional fee: * Southern accent for the pilot * Bathroom credits * Oxygen

Poutine shall now be known as "Polite Disco Fries." I have spoken!

Wasting away again in Margretville

Me: Spotify, play "Golden Brown" by The Stranglers Spotify: I can't play "Golden Grahams, but..." Me: No, play Golden Brown Spotify: Playing "Gold" by Imagine Dragons Me: Darn it, play "Golden Brown" Spotify: Playing "Golden Brown Me: Whew Spotify: Slow version, live in Trenton with kazoos."

Is there an app for Android that will allow you to simply block certain sites at certain times of the day? I want something that's free and isn't going to track my activity online or take me on some BS self-help productivity journey.

When is Mackenzie Scott going to give money to the foundation that issues PSAs letting people know that roasting chicken involves two days of cleanup afterwards? TWO DAYS, people. Because I forget every time, and that stuff is killing me!

It's absolutely mindboggling and frustrating that PowerPoint now has an AI assistant that will WRITE the deck for you -- filling it with superficial fact-lets to reach nonsense conclusions -- but you can't use it to do the repetitive formatting and design tasks that lend themselves to automation.

Going to create an update of The Ring about a cursed PowerPoint deck that, when you open it, you get a call from a marketing consultant who died in the aughts asking if you got that thing he sent. Seven days later, he crawls out of your computer screen for the kickoff.

The irony is that half the audience will be complaining to their supes about the loud heels of their upstairs neighbors sometime in the next 48 hours.

I'm old enough and wealthy enough that now when all I want is a pepsi, just one Pepsi, I don't have to ask anyone to get it for me.

Perhaps not in my lifetime but my children will live long enough to see a colloidal silver Smurf become Surgeon General.

Was very excited that a blog was digging deeper into one of my stories until I discovered it was an AI tool autogenerating commentary, which is probably the most "Dave Zweifler short-story" thing ever.

In negotiations where the Tonya Harding approach is the right approach, the U.S. wins 100% of the time.

My wife and I are having a Type 2 of the Magi, as we discover that we have both purchased each other an immense amount of See's chocolate for Valentine's Day.

For anyone who wants proof but the American dream is alive and well, I present to you the story of a little boy who was bullied and almost drowned in the lake who went on to become a famous astronaut.

I regularly run into seemingly well-intentioned technology experts whose advice can best be summed up as, "Climb the highest mast on the ship before the rest of the passengers realize that the boat is sinking." shumer.dev/something-bi...

Clearly the writers at HBO did not get the memo that all future GOT properties need to suffer from massive series bloat and poor writing, because Knight of the Seven Kingdoms is killing it.

These aren't just four Dem states. They're four states that pay more than they receive in Federal funds. www.nytimes.com/2026/02/09/h...

I would like to announce that I will soon be offering a class where I share my secrets on how to do a thing that makes me so rich I have to do a sideline business teaching others how to do that thing. www.nytimes.com/2026/02/08/b...

Thanks to DOCTOR @saraluckelman.bsky.social for the great review of Dad Jokes. sffreviews.com/tag/david-le...

I wonder if this includes individuals who received a presidential pardon . abcnews4.com/news/local/r...

My son, having lunch at IHOP: Should I get a hot chocolate? Why not? It's 8 o'clock in the morning, SOMEWHERE...

Just my luck that my unhealthy stress-related weight loss arrives at the same time that Ozempic becomes popular. This is all natty people!

I'm beginning to think that doomscrolling wasn't the best way to start my day off.

I know I sound like a conspiracy nut, but I think all the doctors who are pushing the benefits of hydration are in the pocket of Big Toilet.

It's nice that Christopher Nolan is making a Minority Report for people with IQs under 100.

Person who is continuously trying to burn my house down: Fire is inevitable so instead of griping you should try to focus on all of the good things that fire can do for you.

Simultaneous Times featuring three Radon authors is now live! 🎧 www.podomatic.com/podcasts/spa... We are proud to partner with @spacecowboybooks.bsky.social and have @slashnburnett.bsky.social, @parkeriswriting.bsky.social, and @davidleezweifler.bsky.social's stories come to new life

I've lost 25 pounds (!!) due to a recent illness. #AMA. 🧵

Honestly, folks, if you think we're being mean to tourists, you should see what we do to our citizens and legal residents.

My son: (Practicing sparse bebop/hard-bop drumming using tight ride cymbal swing with syncopated comping on snare and toms, on his drum set.) Me (From upstairs): DAMNIT BOY! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU? NO PLANNING NOIR BANK HEISTS IN THE HOUSE AFTER 7 PM!

Drinking my first espresso while not fully recovered from the worst flu I have ever had. My brain is like a 100-year-old entrepreneur laying out ambitious plans for the next year. My body is saying: "Well, that all sounds very exciting but let's see how things go today shall we?"

My dog as I struggle with the flu: Master is sick. I shall protect him from squirrels. My cats: Hoping for the best of course, but if he dies I have dibs on the eyes.

If you have no education debt, your kids are grown, your mortgage is paid on a property with thirty years of low-interest-rate equity built in, and your healthcare is provided free by the government, please understand why I view your optimism about the future with a certain degree of skepticism.

In my sophomore year of high school, I received a lower-than-expected grade on my final exam from a teacher. I was recently shocked to learn that this woman is a narco terrorist. Who can I contact about this? 🤣

Until I get the melanoma removed, I'm going to make it super, super uncomfortable for anyone trying to trick me with the "Does your face hurt? Well, it's killing me!" joke. ("Well, it's killing me also! Are you happy now?!")