do you think city planners are devastated or delighted by godzilla? are they like “ahhh no my city!” or more like “ok i’ve actually been wanting to try something new”

socializing tip: when someone tells you something you already know, look them in the eyes and say “I already know that”

when you swim in the ocean you are playing in god’s bathtub

up in the lab genetically engineering a moose-mouse hybrid. it’s gonna look really fucked up

the clitoris is a button and if you press mine i blow up into several smithereens. not sure how to change the setting

happy birthday to the moon

let’s trade organs i want to know what you’re working with in there

what usher doesn’t understand is that if i were to dance like it’s the last night of my life i would be screaming and sobbing on the dance floor and that’s not really someone you can fall in love with, despite the DJ’s honest effort to facilitate such an interaction

your intestines are sort of like a lazy river for your poop

playing an epic prank on my surgeon by not waking up after my procedure

if i were a worm i would fist fight the early bird

early bird gets the worm, late bird gets a different worm. i don’t believe there is a worm shortage

the great british bake off is essentially just the plot of classic folk nursery rhyme “pat-a-cake”

*shoves deflated balloon up my vagina* *30 seconds of construction noises* *pulls out deflated balloon but now it’s covered in goop* tada!

not sure how everyone is full of microplastics, i vacuum mine out through my vagina once a week

killed a deer in the woods and it dropped all of its loot

hunting for the thrill of blending into my surroundings

singing chicka chicka boom boom at karaoke

i’m getting a reverse lobotomy, they’re gonna put some more stuff up there

the first person to have expressed themselves through song must’ve felt awesome

epstein is probably the only person who could’ve benefitted running his emails through chat gpt

if the blood made noise when it came out people would take periods a lot more seriously

this is my impression of a tour guide for the catacombs in paris: welcome to the bone cave!

sick platform you have man i think it’s awesome how you allow insidious, regressive ideas to permeate the zeitgeist unchallenged in the name of “discourse”

hey man awesome platform i love the way you don’t challenge anything anyone says to you

they say you can’t argue with a brick wall, which is true. brick is cold, stoic. you can, however, get into colorful arguments with the tile in your shower. porcelain has a sharp tongue and biting wit

i was bathing in the blood of my enemies and swore i felt the platelets of a friend…

when bathing in the blood of your enemies it’s important to drop a few anticoagulants in there, lest you end up swimming in chunks

(bathing in the blood of my enemies) you know it’s a lot stickier than i thought it would be

please i’m begging! i’m on my handsome knees

i think that if the police are allowed to shoot you over nothing then trash collectors should absolutely be allowed to shoot you for littering

just found out my thoughts aren’t my reality. i have to go think about this

i’m really weary of people who are too eager for success. they’re like “i wanna make it to the top!” dude that’s where all the pedophiles are

me if i were a bee having sex: i’m gonna buzz!

so gotdam cold out there my discharge is freezin halfway out my body like a damn pussy icicle

imagine being covered in a substance so toxic and slimy and just having to walk around like that and it’s burning but no one can really do that much for you and it’s just kinda your deal. that is what it’s like to be me

i couldn’t stand being covered in a mysterious goo but i could get comfortable in an unknown liquid. kick my feet up and just relax

oh yeah i did see that guy.., he was covered in tubby custard

the city sewer system is just begging for what i’ve got

doctor tried to test my blood but my blood did not fall for his trickery. it detects deceit instantly, like one of those cancer smelling dogs

collecting vitamins and minerals for my strong bones

“If I am killed doing this, throw my body at the White House, martyr the shit out of me & raise hell. Do not be sad. Do not think I would do anything differently. I would do it over & over again — this is too important to sit down & shut up and not do anything.” www.mprnews.org/story/2026/0...

poet is a beautiful name for a baby boy and for a girl? well, poette of course

liquid will exit me and i have to hope it isn’t blood. sometimes it is

your 20s are for thinking everything is wrong with you and your 30s are for finding out what actually is

dude last night was a call from your mom to my mom

january was three million years long

meeting someone so awesome and cool and fun and immediately thinking “great another person whose inevitable death will wrap me in an all-consuming grief”

this is technically my second rodeo but i got kicked in the head by the bull last time and suffered catastrophic brain damage so in a way it’s like my first rodeo

(asking for a hit of my friend’s joint) can i have a bite?