it’s interesting to feel a migraine coming on. it starts with an ache in my neck that is foreboding and sinister in nature. feels like someone is squeezing the back of my head with their mind. a mixture of nausea and grief washes over me. either my ears are ringing or i hear angels singing

if god didn’t want me to be bisexual then why’d he give me two hands? obviously one is for jerkin and the other’s for fingerin

laying down was invented just for me

gay knights making out and dry humping got the castle sounding like a silverware drawer during an earthquake

so many songs are about how pussy is either a stimulant or a sedative. i wanna write a song that’s like “baby that pussy does nothing to me”

i can tell exactly what kind of mental illness someone has just by looking at them. for example if they’re holding a knife and their arm is raised like they’re about to stab you, that person is horny

having an original thought feels impossible these days. you post something like “i got states of matter not yet known to man coming outta holes you could never conceptualize on a woman” then find out some account with a yassified garfield pic tweeted it four years ago. only two likes

1pm is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me

something freeing about looking chopped at the laundromat. i think we’re all works of progress, here to wash our greasy lil clothes together. forgive me for not stunting on them for a sec. everyone knows i’m high i can tell

god i love information. i overheard this guy tell someone on the phone that he played shortstop the whole game. that feels good to know for no reason

ME [not wanting to get up in the morning]: ugh just 5 more minutes WASHING MACHINE: that’s like 18 minutes for me ME: why are you still here? i thought i asked you to let yourself out last night (i fucked the washing machine)

guys you don’t get it. he needs the ballroom because that’s his preferred place to be assassinated

[seeing a man folded at the waist on the sidewalk] aw he must have period cramps

the bog days are over the bog days are done the mosses are coming so you better run

straight white couples be like “our dog was the witness at our wedding. he signed the marriage certificate with an inked paw. yeah he’s in doula training now, he’s gonna deliver our first born child”

sex dungeons are panic rooms for fucking. both are safe places to really freak out in

i love babysitting for families who have a rocking chair in the baby’s room i am stimming up a storm at work

pussy from a girl who kills you afterward >>>>>

can’t help but gently shake a little ass every time i check my pulse like damn these arteries are movin’ it

some absolute hater told me to sleep with one eye open. brother my third eye is always open. i foresaw your ass. blocked

showing hole at the Dimmadome

eating onions shouldn’t do that to my breath i’m a nice girl

it doesn’t sit right with me that there was so much time in history before i was born. i should’ve been there

the CIA gave me a yeast infection to distract me from finding out The Truth

some call it getting cucked i call it using a stunt double

the length of the table of contents in "united states involvement in regime change"

Woman Finally Allowed to Fully Orbit the Moon

they’re gonna set up an airb&b on the moon

whenever i check into a doctor’s appointment i’m worried the receptionist is gonna be like “you don’t have an appointment also that doctor doesn’t exist also you’re not our patient we’ve never heard of you also this isn’t even a real building you’re dreaming wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up w

my lou? (takes long drag of cigarette) I haven’t skipped to that in years..

whenever i’m feeling stressed about money, i just think about how there are hundreds of billionaires who could set me up for life without any change to their lifestyle and i get so pissed off i almost black out

in my mind i am very small. i leap from lily pad to stone and i bathe in an acorn cap. i take naps on patches of moss. i live in a tulip you see,

sorry i can’t come out tonight my chest aches with a feeling of unrelenting sadness and despair. also i threw up a little bit in my mouth trying to force a burp and now i don’t feel so good

food is fuel for the body and the brain. i eat a chicken sandwich so i can think a little clearer. and once my tummy settles i run around and do stunts

i don't bother defending bluesky to other people anymore i agree that it sucks but at least it doesn't feel like you're posting from inside a klan meeting

what’s perhaps more annoying than having to question if everything is AI, is that now every video ever posted has at least one comment insisting that it is AI

shitting in a way that is performative and hack

trans day of audibility. let them scream

currently visualizing every trans person. i see you all in my mind’s eye lookin hot and strong and powerful. i hope y’all can get away with some crimes today love ya

there comes a time in every young man’s life when he has to learn some hard truths, such as objects in mirror are closer than they appear

putting my hypothetical baby in all sorts of fucked up situations and forcing him to undergo several trials and tribulations. if he passes, i will give birth to him and if he does not, we engage in hand-to-hand combat for my consciousness

tightly swaddling my baby in saran wrap, tossing and catching him with one hand like he’s a head of iceberg lettuce. just for fun

it’s so hilarious to me that there are some people who don’t think i’m a full human being with a rich inner life because i’m a woman. you can’t imagine the shit i’m getting up to in my mind. it’s mostly normal shit but i’m doing a lot of it and like, really skillfully

up in da uber asking are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet

having a migraine feels like getting nerfed in real life. i am weak

today’s affirmations: i know how things work. i can walk with both of my feet. i make dreams come true. all of my fingers are mine. i do not have rabies. i can calculate numbers using math. my job is important. focusing on tasks is easy.

[returning from my endeavor] omg where are my fruits?

“try not to laugh” videos are so cruel to me. why wouldn’t you want me to indulge in one of life’s free pleasures?

when i have writer’s block i force myself to not use the bathroom until i’ve written something funny. when i finally do i piss my pants as a reward