it feels like swift’s new album is a test to see how bad her music can be and still sell. it sounds like someone fed her entire discography to an AI and said “now make something like these but even worse” and then just immediately released whatever it spit out without human edits

new profile pic if you care

no actually i absolutely love how pictures taken of me look as though someone i’ve never met tried to draw me from memory

sometimes i worry i’m not really bisexual because i’ve never worked as a barista before. seems like the kind of experience you’re supposed to have in order to qualify

i can barely wrap my head around the aerodynamics of an airplane let alone the mechanics of a witch’s flying broom. the physics of that is something i’ve always been skeptical of

communist lil jon: snap our fingers, do our step. we can do it together

[snapping my fingers and doing my step] man i have to do everything by myself around here

a toaster turns bread into scary bread

a toaster is sort of like a jack-in-the-box in some ways

blaming my tummy ache on the radical left democrats

i hate when people say “never say never.” dude you first, you just said it twice. change starts at home

why do my glasses have to touch me they should just gently float in front of my face instead

for no precedented reason whatsoever i thought i’d feel more equipped to handle the downfall of the american empire but i’ll admit it this stuff is making me kinda nervous

herman miller electric chair

my buddy told me i’m always misunderstanding him. i have no idea what he meant by that

personally it was not my favorite lars von trier movie

i am not mentally ill i’m just symptommaxxing

please respect the gestapo all they wanna do is get back to their families after a long day of separating families

bear of bad news, is also the bear in mind

so should i keep taking the acetaminophen as like a daily maintenance dose? i dont want my autism numbers to drop too much

yes you do lose your clothes when you get raptured but thankfully jesus gives you one of his little gowns. you’re drippier than ever up there

does anyone know if the rapture happened? not seeing any circular soot marks where people once stood. not seeing piles of clothes left behind. only saw one pair of pants on my way to work but i think those were unrelated

technology is crazy these days. you need wifi for your fridge. a password for your lightbulbs. subscription to your microwave. need FaceID to get into your house. soon they’re gonna make me solve a captcha to take a shit

my toddler asked for “uppies” so i let him have a little adderall. he’s in the kitchen counting spoons

who wants to be my partner in thought crime

imagine all the people? john there’s too many

me: ummm where are the sharks mark cuban: we are the sharks. do you have a product for us? me: [slowly puts away my Fin Bedazzler] no

seaweed some kinda sick freak tickling my toes like that

i don’t even have the energy to skip to my lou my darling anymore

when things get tough i just look at myself in the mirror, assume a superhero pose, take a deep breath and say “for the shareholders!” that usually whips me right back into shape

me: ummm where are the sharks mark cuban: we are the sharks. do you have a product for us? me: [slowly puts away my Fin Bedazzler] no

hey im sorry i have to hang up. Something is breaking in my window. Yeah the yonder one. Some sort of light

kids trying to get their mom’s attention like mama!! mamaaa!!! mama!! bitch she doesn’t wanna talk to you rn!! leave that lady alone

i love to gossip my pronouns are she/what?

babies are so gross they’ll put anything in their mouths. like babies will try to eat shoelaces. uhh idiot! all the flavor is on the bottom

“so you think you can dance” is such a hilariously hostile name for a show. oh, you think you can dance you little bitch? think you got moves asshole? well then go ahead if you think you’re so fucking special. bust it down for us and maybe we’ll fly your stupid ass to vegas. come on let’s see it

i’m just kind of skittering around my apartment. just like skedaddling from room to room. tip toe real fast skkrt around the corner goin heheheheh

male patterned loneliness

not many people are believing in life after love these days. due to woke

Barry and The Nameless One

for whom the tad poles

got scared of a sound in the kitchen and then realized it was just the toaster i activated myself only a couple minutes ago. i like to keep myself on my toes. then i do a little ballerina move

yo last night was a major plot point in a feature length film

how can i be sure i have all of the organs i’m supposed to? i’ve never done inventory

[at the tavern] sober witch: do you have any non-magical potions?

you know i keep that thang on me [opens pocket to reveal a tiny mouse dressed in overalls, rain boots, and a straw hat. he waves]

just found out “guess how big my dick is” is NOT supposed to be one of the bridge troll’s riddles three

i’m volunteering at the soup kitchen just absolutely sloshing it everywhere. burning people. they’ve asked me to not come back said i’m “hurting” more than “helping”

“so tell me about yourself” me: