Doing my makeup in the cafe area of a Wegmans, as God intended

The McDonald's sausage burrito is a pretty tasty little breakfast, and as a bonus you can eat it without having to hose yourself down afterwards

I am staying in a motel and desperately trying to fall asleep so I can wake up at 4am, and the person in the room above me keeps walking around on the world's creakiest floor. I have earplugs in and I've sandwiched my head between pillows and it is still overwhelmingly loud. I may finally snap

tired: pretending to be trans to get into the women's bathroom wired: pretending to be trans to get a gig on infowars

Dropped a suppository on the floor and briefly considered throwing it out and getting a fresh one until I remembered where it was going

One of my biggest grudges against English is that it phased out "amn't" for some reason

In retrospect, Clarence Thomas calling his senate hearings a "high-tech lynching" just because they were televised really betrays a lack of technofuturist imagination on his part

Gretchen in the NYT recipe comment section, whew

My brain was just like "if she's called Lady Macbeth, what's he called?" and then confidently supplied "Mr. Macbeth"

My new discourse topic is that it is a travesty that the cereal aisle at Costco has become glutted with fancy keto cereals at the expense of actual normal cereals. My local Costco no longer has Frosted Mini Wheats, for fuck's sake

Good news: reached the bottom hem of the body of the sweater Bad news: have to do a tubular bind-off

oh hey, I've seen that video

I resisted it for a long time, but I finally bought some Vacation sunscreen and dammit it does smell very good

Being an academic in your 40s means a lot of digging out articles you printed out when you were in your 20s and discovering the hubris you had about how good your eyesight would always be

1) When all the instruments kick in at once in Sufjan Stevens's "Chicago" 2) When Cat Stevens modulates an octave up in "Father and Son"

Another sweaty rhyme, which also happens to be from Steve Miller Band: "abracadabra"/"reach out and grab ya"

a weird belief that is held across basically all sectors of American life is that boy dollars and boy votes are better than girl dollars and girl votes and so if you have a lot of the latter you need to be constantly trying to exchange them for the former

OFMD AU idea: Stede owns a Mystery Spot

My friend's 3-year-old looked at me and announced "you have makeup!" so now I'm wondering if my no-makeup makeup look isn't as subtle as I thought

When the fuck is there going to be a coup

i will vote for dems who say this stuff and act on this stuff! i will give them money! i will tell my friends to do the same! it is what i want from government more than anything else right now!

Reese's is so obsessed with innovating on the peanut butter cup yet they haven't engineered one that doesn't shed a bunch of tiny chocolate bits when you pull the paper wrapper off

I wish I knew a nonbinary couple getting married so I could give them Theirs & Theirs towels

I bought a silicone spatula for applying lotion to the middle of my back, and it's a real game-changer

A good title for the memoir of an overachieving child would be "From A's to Zoloft"

"Aw, it's you" is the most understated response possible when you discover that the man you were going to cheat on your husband with is actually your husband who was also planning to cheat on you

Pleased to announce I have entered my Corduroy Shacket Era

Mine is that name brands are indeed better than the generics, unless the product is just a specific chemical compound (e.g. medications, salt)

This is actually one of the most beautiful things I have ever read and I have teared up slightly

I finally found the charging cable for my Cintiq stylus, which has been missing for years. It was, of course, in the medicine cabinet

I feel like 2 isn't REALLY a prime number. Like, ANY number could be prime if it was that small. 2 is a prime number in the same way that I have technically not lost a World Series

What are the sweatiest rhymes in songs? Stuff like Steve Miller Band rhyming "down in Texas" with "what the facts is" in "Take the Money and Run."

tired: only one bed wired: only one shower

Crash Test Dummies' "Mmm mmm mmm mmm" manages an impressive feat, which is being a three-episode narrative that is even less coherent than Cage the Elephant's "Ain't No Rest for the Wicked"

If you simply love being immersed in the Harry Potter universe, there are tens of millions of words of HP fanfic out there that are better written, smarter, and more emotionally engaging than anything JKR has ever done.

Everyone else is already doing the serious commentary on this, freeing me up to say that "Cardinal Pizzaballa" sounds like a 1990s SNL character

Truly, the number of women who stay with shitty men because they mistakenly think it's better than being single makes me very sad. I had a decent but flawed 11-year relationship and I am still so much happier on my own!

Boy, they'll congratulate you for anything these days

Free sign idea for the No Kings protests: "You dropped this, king" with a picture of the Constitution

I went to the Fox News website because I needed to get some data to analyze with my students, and the top story is Nancy Guthrie. It's always staggering to see just how much of a bubble the conservative mediasphere is

My astigmatic ass trying to read the cordless vacuum's charging gauge from across the room

The actor who plays Whitaker on The Pitt actually has a great American accent but is betrayed by the fact that he has the face of a 19th-century British street urchin

On the whole it's not my favorite thing ever, but the phrase "Super Mighty Mecha-Dreidel with Gelt-Launching Action" has stuck in my head for 20+ years.

Here's a dumb joke I came up with.

Imagining a "who's on first" sketch with a boomer parent and a Gen x child. "What's that noise you're playing?" "It's Garbage." "I know it is, but what's the name of the band?"

#OFMD crew: who needs some pirate joy in their life right now? I bought extra goodies from the buy it now section & I’m happy to share my loot & send some to any pirate who got outbid at the last minute or didn’t participate in this amazing #fandommarket It’s about belonging to something … 🏴‍☠️❤️🫡

There is an actor on this new season of The Pitt where I was like "oh they must be a medical professional in real life so they got cast to pretend to do it" but it turns out they're a professional actor who is just not very good I guess

v excited to have a big scary wolf on my laptop