I would want to be named "Legion" and have heterochromia and an obscenely large penis and be banned from baptist churches.

My tweets are for people who drink from the dehumidifier

Marina was sick, such a fun show. She puts so much effort into the production and is a really impressive performer. The crowd was of course, pretty annoying but pretty much what I expected lol

Maybe we should speed up our plans to move to Brazil, Jesus Christ

Also I’m on the 9th floor of my hotel and the water pressure is so bad it took like 10 minutes to get the suds out of my butt hair 😔

Is this the #TowelTuesday everyone is talking about?

I had to buy really ill fitting target jeans because I some how managed to bring no pants with me when I packed for my work trip hahahaha

First flight is about to take off, remember if anything happens, you’re all a tremendous disappointment to me

Lady in red played twice in a row and he’s now sucking on a lollipop, what’s going on 🤨

Uber driver has middle aged white man music playing in the car while he listens to his own music on his headphones is so funny lmao

Getting struck by lightning while holding an umbrella, always funny

Someone putting a bra on their head is always a huge hit in a kids movie

Also last minute work needs me to go out to SF next week rip 😭

Saw sad boy Runnner Friday and still had time to get to the goth club. Visiting our friend and new baby today. 😚😚

Driving in the south shore and not k*lling yourself challenge: impossible

Ok, what is the intent of a bumper sticker that says “be nice student driver” it’s going to be on the car forever???? Student driver for the life of your car??

Never forget, I always win a theme day at work 🍃

Cracker Barrel To Replace The Old Guy On The Sign With Charlie Kirk

today's gotta be like 9/11 for right wing influencers

It’s athleisure (?) wear day at work, and you know I had to do it to em’

We’re doing arts and crafts at work today lmao

Flexing Connor Friday, that didn’t make the original beach cut #fcf

I say this as a certified hater, Wednesday is actually really enjoyable. It’s so campy and funny, they do such a good job at making it so on the nose but in such a fun ironic way. It’s so charming

Narcissus

Omg finally had time to catch up on new music after vacation and the new TWIABP album is so good holy shit

*Straight coworker telling me about how he hasn’t done a deep car wash this year, only using a drive thru car wash etc* Me: *having never washed my car in my entire life* “wow, yeah of course, that’s crazy 🙂‍↕️”

Idk Li Ling kinda went off with this one tho

This is the only part of driving school I remember tbh

I always get sick returning from vacation and want to call out my first day back. And before any of you smart asses mention kissing all of those boys, I’m fairly certain it was the man in the customs line 1 inches behind us who coughed on the back of my neck so much I could feel the spray pattern 😠

Holy shit, we just binged all of Murderbot and it was sooooo good. Endearing, heartfelt and funny. Very queer and progressive, and seriously some of the most interesting characters I’ve seen in a show like this. So refreshing and easy to watch.

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Looking forward to lying to my parents about what I did on vacation 💪🥸

Finally catching up on foundation and jfc Lee pace tiddies 😵‍💫

After crunching a few numbers im fairly certain I made out with more guys during my week PV than the rest of my life combined 😭🫣

Airport at 1 am is always so weird

Like she was supposed to be driving the plane lmao

My mom genuinely thinks if she’s not awake and texting me “safe flight” the moment we take off the plane will crash lmao

Preparando-se para ensinar o justsu Kirin pro Sasuke-kun

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Looking forward to lying to my parents about what I did on vacation 💪🥸

Been very busy in Puerto Vallarta 🫣😎

The Uber driver already asked us whos the top and whos the bottom 😭😭😭 LMAO

First flight is about to take off, remember if anything happens, you’re all a tremendous disappointment to me

They eventually let us get our stuff and leave for the day 🥳

Omg it wasn’t a drill, we have to stay outside for “several hours” omg fun last day before vacation haha

Fire drill at work 🥳

Streaming the new #warcraft manaforge omega raid with my guild Twitch.tv/teapottalks

Vacation haircut jump scare 🍃

Finally got around to watching Alien Earth and I enjoyed it a lot. Very aesthetic and interesting, keeping a lot of the characteristic darkness and suspense. I really love getting to see the ethical and moral questions that arise with tech we’re familiar with but havnt seen as much background on 🤗

Post the last pic of your pet. Al was very warm last night and looked a little dead ☠️