I had no intention of my day off involving Bowser's cum gutters in any way

Writer: "Quick! We need a name for our badass, deadly, Spider-themed female character!" Everyone:

Technically speaking, if you said you were getting all your friends Mexican food, you could bring a bunch of Caesar salad and you wouldn't be wrong. You would be instantly murdered by all your friends, like the other Caesar. But you wouldn't be wrong.

You can't pick mean dialogue options in video games. I can't skip songs the Spotify robot DJ picks for me out of an irrational fear that he'll somehow be upset with me. We are not the same. Because I am insane.

You can have your preferences on which zodiac signs are better than others. But at the end of the day, you have to concede that Capricorn is the goat

🎵 My girl, Zyn The next room Sometimes I wish She was chew 🎵

The fact that it was named after the chairman of the life insurance company that owned it feels suspicious

I made this years ago and have no earthly idea why

Fall Out Boy albums follow the same quality curve as the Mega Man X series. First three are undisputed bangers. Fourth one is divisive but a lot of fan's favorite. Next couple had atrocious vibes and sparse redeeming qualities. And the last one was surprisingly pretty decent.

I've always thought Final Fantasy VII was a touch overrated, but you really can't beat the story impact of Cloud watching one of his best friends, and the last of her race, get murdered with an impractical samurai sword right in front of him; then like ten minutes later he's all

This is obviously fantastic but it also doesn't bode well that our benchmark for "good news" is just a lack of bad news

If I end up dying in some unexpected maritime tragedy I hope someone writes an absolute fuckin' banger about it. I bet My Chemical Romance would knock that shit out of the park

I've never been to a ren faire. I think a turkey leg and some bodacious cleavage would fix me

I've been getting targeted ads for Hot Topic all day and now there's a studded belt in my closet talking to me like the Green Goblin mask

Social media rules because I just scrolled past a post where a Vietnamese woman was promoting her Vietnamese business in Vietnamese and the top comment was, "Are you located anywhere near the Boston area?"

Love the idea of a rap beef. I have never hated a dude bad enough to write a poem about it.

Oh tomorrow's the anniversary of the Edmund Fitzgerald sinking I was really concerned why I was suddenly on Gordon Lightfoot TikTok

"I'm not offended like you snowflakes. I'm just pissed off because there's some things you just don't joke about!"

No Country for Old Men No Thrash Metal for Young Women No Tech House for Nonbinary People

[coming back from smoke break] Friend: "That was fast" Me: "I work in the service industry. We all smoke fast. I jam my car keys into the filter and shotgun it like a Coors Light"

God I hate Grammy season. "Why is it all mainstream pop music?" Motherfucker what do you think the Grammy's are? Your cousin Keith's fourth-wave jazz-grind band Turd Gargler is not getting nominated for "Drunkest Artist with Fourteen Monthly Spotify Listeners"

Avatar: The Last Air Bud

You think that thing was already called the Demon Core before they let that dude jam a screwdriver into it? Because I feel like that would've been a pretty good deterrent against, you know, doing...that

Customer: "What time does the kitchen close?" Me: "10 o'clock" Customer: "So what time do you stop taking orders?" Me:

"Have you heard of the viral..." If you have to ask if anyone's ever heard of it, it's kind of, by definition, not viral. That one restaurant's signature dish isn't viral. It just tastes good and has fun presentation. You can describe things with normal offline words

Extra spicy white people tacos for lunch, using ground beef that has been in the fridge for a shrug emoji number of days, and paired with an iced coffee the size of a mop bucket. Shitting my entire ass any% speedrun strats. Sorry, everyone at work tonight

It's 3:30 in the morning, time to listen to absolute fuckin' peak

Me when the homie's salvia is sending him to the Fear Nexus but I ate some of the funny stamps the white girl with dreads brought to the function

Generations are defined by what haircut Davey Havok has at any given moment

Me and my girl saw you from across the bar and noticed you took my seat. My drink and jacket are right there. Jesus I was gone for two fucking minutes to go to the bathroom what is your problem? Anywho you down for a threesome though?

"What's your favorite moment in professional sports history?" Midwest Dads: "The Cubs World Series" Basketball Enthusiasts: "The Bulls' 3-peat" Me:

Digimon could make any pokémon work as one of their own, but Pokémon could never pull off a Godzilla made entirely out of giant revolvers (I think about Gundramon a lot, guys)

Went to Panera for the first time in probably fifteen years last night and just had a two month old TikTok pop up on my feed about not just Panera, but my EXACT ORDER

I can't be trusted working in a new kitchen. Made myself a sweet and spicy Thai cheeseburger last night because menus are for cowards. Unrelated but you will never guess who currently has blindingly violent diarrhea...

Team Cherry designing the background of a boss arena and choosing "incalculable heap of desiccated skeletons" for the 115th consecutive time:

Sucks for Charlie Kirk that the very next prominent right wing scumbag to follow his fascist grifter ass into Hell is the one known for shooting a man in the face

I miss when fewer people knew how to spell the word "dystopian"

"If the people I'd happily see killed found out that I'd happily see them killed, I choose to believe they'd be just as mentally broken as I am"

"Millions of New Yorkers threaten to flee the city in November" Yeah man they're called snowbirds and they're the most insufferable, entitled pricks on the planet

She Cheney on my Dick til I shoot (my friend in the face)

The current discourse from Republican politicians is, "You shouldn't vote for Mamdani, because if he becomes mayor, he'll destroy New York...the city that I hate and wish to see destroyed"

If witchcraft isn't real then explain how Halloween is the only magical ward powerful enough to contain Mariah Carey from spreading even earlier into the year?

New Business Idea: Survival horror game supply store We sell... • Flashlights with precisely three minutes of battery life • A vast array of scientifically dubious medical supplies • Firearm ammunition at the same price point as a comparable mass of dark matter

Stop the car! STOP THE CAR!

I think the main reason I like the Source Engine missing asset placeholder texture so much is because it awakens 2008 me's desire to smoke a Camel No. 9

Spelling is important, guys. I just wanted some fried chicken, but I accidentally went to Raising Kane's and got chokeslammed into a coffin full of stadium pyrotechnics

Nice comeback, internet stranger. Unfortunately, you responded to a year and a half old TikTok comment are are, as such, fucking insane

Tragic: We only had *two* trick or treaters at my house last night Magic: My cup fucking runneth over with unclaimed Reese's

All the jawdropping dipshittery of this post aside, people have got to realize that "blows Joe Rogan's mind" is not the high benchmark you think it is. I'm pretty sure a sufficiently jingly set of car keys would cause him to see the fucking face of God