Internet: "You didn't use the right kind of cheese, so you can't really call that an authentic Italian pasta dish" Me: "My fratello in Christ, I put sriracha in this. The authenticity ship has fuckin' sailed"

TikTok: "You like Love Island, right?" Me: "Never seen it, and don't care to" TikTok: "Okay, we'll ask again tomorrow" Me: "Wait, wh_" TikTok: "Tomorrow 🙂"

Briefly forgot the word "graffiti" and said "wall tattoo" English is, mind you, my first and effectively only language My brain makes all the right chemicals in the correct amounts

Milestone anniversaries are a very different thing in high fantasy settings 1,000 years since the kingdom was founded? Something interesting is gonna happen 1,000 years since the war ended? Bet another's coming 1,000 years since the great evil was sealed away? Oh, so we're all just dead then?

The real problem with this country is that nobody ghost rides the whip anymore

Super Mario 64 is technically a second-person perspective game because the "camera" is a diagetic, second playable character that you control simultaneously alongside Mario

There's algae in the reflecting pool because the 1st Amendment grants us our right to protist

No one wants to produce my submarine porn parody movie The Cunt for Bred Cocktober

Cop: "Do you know why I pulled you over tonight, sir?" Me: R1 R1 ⭕️ R2 ⬆️ ⬇️ ⬆️ ⬇️ ⬆️ ⬇️ ⬆️ Cop: "Where the fuck'd he go?"

Obnoxious Millennial Ghost Who Overuses Old Simpsons References: "Boo! Urns!"

*pulling a title drop on late 2000s video game YouTube* "So you have some kind of unregistered HyperCam, too?"

The weather is...nice

My algorithm is full of old Jackass clips and I cannot adequately express what must be so fundamentally wrong with my brain that there exists no combination or words, in any order, that are funnier than, "He fell for the soup"

"Have you tried the viral..." No. If it was actually "viral" I would not be hearing about it for the first time from a TikTok with 4,000 views. Words mean things

Wearing industry gear at bars you don't work at is like being at Disney World in a wheelchair

HardDrive Headline: GTA Fan Outraged Over $100 Price Tag Still Gleefully Places Pre-Order

My bank is so far behind the times that I got my first card with tap to pay capability...two hours ago

This is like me saying I'm more interested in beer and naps than my professional football career

Don't get me wrong, they're still all very excellent

Banned from r/StarWars due to my refusal to refer to Darth Vader as anything but "Ani Sky Dubs"

Website told me I'd created a very strong password and Goku just rolled up and beat the shit outta my Gmail account like how does he even do that 😭

Those are also my abilities.

I liked him better when he was the Undertaker's manager

Friend: "You tried that new hero shooter? What role do you main?" Me: "I play DPH heroes" Friend: "You mean DPS?" Me: *chewing a fistful of Benedryl* "There are spiders in my skin"

My idea for a show, is actually two shows. We just reboot both House, and That '70s Show, exactly the same as they were. The only difference is we swap the characters named Eric Foreman

Shootouts to the dad who came into work today rocking his Father's Day present from his kids, a tee-shirt that just says, "Still a Better Dad than Chris Benoit"

I originally had plans to hang out with an autistic nonbinary leftist friend tonight but those fell through but luckily that means now I can attend an autistic nonbinary leftist friend's birthday party I am the caricature in shitty conservative memes

I really relate to the song The Devil Went Down to Georgia because I'm terrible at Deadlock so I know what it feels like to be in a bind because you're way behind in terms of souls

I want more Gritty reboots. But not, like, grimdark realism. I mean recasting movies with the Flyers mascot. Get Christopher Nolan on the horn

Taking a shit at a packed dive bar with no lock on the restroom door carries the same energy I assume skydiving has

The three genders

Coheed AND Cambria? In Heaven's Fence's economy?!

Hey so um this franchise is about committing multiple felonies. So, I guess, nailed it, actually

I'm bringing back the word "shinfo" Shinfo (shin - foe) noun: A statement that neither adds to, nor detracts from, the conversation at hand. A loose portmanteau of "shitty information" originally coined by the former members of Buffalo, NY hardcore band Every Time I Die

Told my coworkers the story of this super buff Irish dude I met at an Arby's once that I nicknamed "Jacked SepticEye" Not to his face, mind you. He was a card-carrying member of the IRA who was not shy about informing me he was not welcome on US federal government property. We have the meats

How I am doing mentally? I dunno man I just randomly decided to see if there was a gender-neutral version of juggalo

Watching videos of people traveling for the World Cup and trying American restaurants for the first time has me convinced that opening a container of garlic powder would hit the average European like a fucking flash bang

I love indie games but every time some new dev drops their "next big thing" it's always: • Battleship with roguelike elements • Unique puzzle game that is fun for precisely one (1) hour • We put soulsborne mechanics where the oughtn't be (also it's just Hollow Knight)

Uh, they're called "geese"

Why is Trump meeting with the fuckin' ghost twins from Matrix: Reloaded?

A furry in their 30s? You mean the millennial paws?

My entire social life is going to bars I like and having a good chat with another patron, and at the end of the night telling them, "It was so nice to meet you! What was your name?" Only to be met with, "Brian, we've met like six times..."

My fan cast for a young Sheev Palpatine is Jack Quaid

Midwest Emo Singer: "I've poured my soul into the most heartfelt, poetic, and beautifully gut wrenching lyrics ever penned" Green Goblin Mask: "Name the song the gooberiest nonsense dogshit"

*listening to people singing Bohemian Rhapsody at karaoke" Inshallah they let him go

Wisest Wizard just got a hell of a lot more wize

*middle of a torrential Midwest thunderstorm and tornado warning* Coworker: "Hey if we don't die, you wanna grab a beer after work?" Me: "Honestly even if we do I'm still down"

Evil Padme Amidala played by Natalie Starboardwoman

In my microbiology class, pronouncing "prokaryotes" like it's a Mexican street food

Bartender: "I mean, I already vape. So a cigarette here and there can't be THAT bad, right?" Me: "Yeah it's just your lungs playing a special acoustic set" The Guy at the End of the Bar: