I got sexually assaulted by a random drunk white woman at this bar who kept screaming the N-word so yeah I'm gonna blast Every Time I Die on the TouchTunes machine 👉😎👉

We used to be a country. A proper country

Davenport sucks because the city on the other side of Iowa should be called Davenstarboard

I have no idea one of the hosts of Sports Center was the bad guy from Jumanji

Trent Reznor isn't special I can be depressed and horny around a synthesizer too

Ivan Ooze was definitely in the files I'm glad his ass got smoked by that comet

One thing's for certain, the dudes in the band Alien Ant Farm 100% look like they're in the band Alien Ant Farm

Being terminally online means I get involved in discourse I didn't even know existed. What do you mean people are upset about the lore of the Mega Man band? That sentence isn't in the Bible...

I just watched a man house three consecutive shots of Malört in eight seconds. I am in danger

"Brian watching sports is my favorite thing in the world" -The bartender

On the one hand, climate change will one day kill us all in a boiling acidic hellscape. But on the other hand, I'm outside in a tee-shirt and jeans in January, at 10 o'clock at night, in Iowa, and it fuckin' rips

Idea: An Italian version of Grindr called "Spaghetti and Meet Balls"

I don't know of any slurs specifically for autistic people, but one time an old boss of mine at work told me I reminded her of "that Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory" and I feel like that's pretty close

Guys I think work got an online order from...a tree

Sleep Token is Ghost for people who own Coheed and Cambria merch

V for Vendetta couldn't have taken place in America because the inciting incident that unites the citizens against the government is a cop shooting a kid. In the US, half the population would be arguing the little girl deserved it

Always lie to cops But never lie to doctors This is a haiku

Idea: Porn TV streaming service called "Nutflix"

Fun Fact: ICE agents are defensively vulnerable to the following- • FIRE agents • FIGHTING agents • ROCK agents • STEEL agents

Me: "I caught you! Now I get your pot of greed!" Leprechaun: "What? No lad, it's me pot o' gold that_" Me: *draws two cards* Leprechaun: "Holy fuckin' shit"

Fried cheese curds are just larval mozzarella sticks send tweet

"Hey man you're too old to be partying all the time" Excuse me? You fool. You absolute fucking buffoon. Did you forget the clear and measurable fact that if you're good enough at partying you get to bang the chick with the bodacious rack from Two Broke Girls?

New year, new me* *I will be worse

"Night club" sounds like a weapon that deals bludgeoning and shadow damage

You know you're in a quality dive bar when the only urinal in the building is an old keg that's been Sawzall'd to hell

Part of the reason I've yet to see a therapist is because I'm mortified by the idea that I'll one day end up receiving a formal psychiatric diagnosis that just says "The Mega Man autism"

Junked my car today. The transmission's starting to go out, and I'm not about to put a new transmission in a car this old. Plus I got $300 for it. Pretty solid for a car I only paid my grandpa $400 for and lasted me years with minimal maintenance issues RIP Malibu Stacey, 2000 - 2026

Hatsune Michelob Ultra

"That's not a grilled cheese, it's a melt" And that's not an original thought, it's a Reddit post old enough to drive a fucking car. Quit being pedantic to people's sandwiches you freaks

If there's a song stuck in my head, it's almost always: • Late 2000s metalcore • Cunty recession pop • Specifically "Pony" by Ginuwine

Oh, you're doing Dry January? Sick. That rules. My January is gonna be wet as hell. Just a slick, sloppy ass January. My January is positively fucking dripping. Sopping, damp as shit January.

Coors Light is the Little Caesar's of beer. Is it good? Look, buddy, it's cold as FUCK

Hey look that's a whole-ass @authorblu.es and @skybilz.bsky.social at AGDQ!

Soup kicks ass because it's like the most comforting and wholesome food on the planet but also a lot of the time the first step in making it is boiling bones and that's metal as hell (dad's making soup)

It's the start of AGDQ week and I have tonight off work. If anyone needs me, I'll be slamming iced coffee and watching authorblues play Super Mario World backwards (this whips ass, my life whips ass)

I'm banned from Twitter for a week because I may or may not have threatened violence toward Elon Musk because of his CSAM robot. And I've learned my lesson. That lesson is that I will do it again.

Venezuelan news today:

Movie Trivia: "Marty Supreme" is short for "Martin Pepperoni Sausage Bell Pepper Onion Mushroom and Olive"

No matter how bleak things feel...today is the 13 year anniversary of the best @5sf ever made youtu.be/CMtzOEvphHE?...

We, as a society, produce generation defining global events at a staggering, unsustainable rate of 2.4 We Didn't Start the Fires per year. By 2030, every man, woman, and child on Earth will be Billy Joel

Elon:

I've reached the Doomscroll Singularity™️ where every TikTok video I see has either single digit, or seven digit likes. Nothing in-between

I haven't seen any of Stranger Things, but the internet keeps showing me clips and I figured something out: The villain, Henry Creel, aka Vecna, aka 001, was exposed to alien DNA as a child. It rewrote his genetics and gave him incredible magic powers by bonding him to a...

Your go-to alt rock song about the new year is the greatest determining factor for your overall mental health

I haven't seen Stranger Things but the finale has reminded me that the internet just straightup does not know what the term "plot hole" means

My new years kiss was with a Coors Banquet and a sloppy pile of white people tacos because I am cool as hell

Midnight on new years is when I formally reignite my irrational blood fued with the Mountain Time Zone

Regrettably you all only have eight minutes to get here and kiss me

My algorithm is convinced that all I want to see is AI-generated anime foot porn and I can't decide if I'm more upset about the AI, the hentai, or the feet...

Video game fun fact: The difference between a "roguelike" and a "roguelite" is, if you ever correct anyone on the distinction I will kill us both