My most millenial desire is a reboot of Nick Arcade with modern technology. Shit would go so hard and no one can tell me otherwise

Banned from the club after the bouncer caught me trying to smuggle in several dozen crows. I'm sorry but the DJ was being very misleading by playing Murder on the Dancefloor

The leadership titles in the KKK are the goofiest shit. Like bro what do you mean you're the Crunchwrap Supreme?

Cooking Tip: When I say I'm adding a certain ingredient for "depth of flavor" please understand that I have no idea what I'm doing and those are just words I heard on Chopped

I may or may not have gotten drunk and made breakfast sandwiches after I got home from the bar last night...

I normally use TaxSlayer to file every year. But this year I wanted something heavier so I filed with TaxCannibalCorpse. Just got my refund and I_ *immediately cums blood*

Huge News: Hamburger Burgers

Dr. House? Um, it's called a hospital you fucking moron

🎵 All around me Are familiar faces Worn out places Wacky Races 🎵

Watching teenagers see how far they can rush into the Scientology building:

Saying that I'm robbing people at knifepoint has such a negative connotation to it. I prefer to say that I'm holding a fund razor

[nervous about meeting a famous Soviet cosmonaut for the first time] So, is there a...Yaoi Gagarin?

Every shitty bar has a female bartender who is astonishingly good at chalk art and I will not be taking questions at this time

Despite normally seeing next to zero pro wrestling content on TikTok, outside of some classic '90s stuff here and there, I woke up today and my FYP is just 80%...Danhausen? I'm not upset. He seems whimsical

If you'd have told me in the '90s when I first started getting into shooters that Fortnite was gonna be a thing that was like this I'd have called you out on some serious "my dad works at Nintendo" ass bullshit

Looking at the screen while you restart a T-Mobile phone:

Love the Mega Max X series because they only made it to the second game before they started scraping the bottom of the barrel for animals and went, "Uhhhh, sea cucumber with lighting powers?"

The running joke at my friends' wedding that I officiated yesterday was that the bride requested a cake with "pink flowers and swirls" and this is what she got (yes the bakery fully refunded everything)

Wedding Officiant Update: Everyone said I was fun and did a great job. Also speedran that entire ceremony in like ten minutes. Thinking of submitting that run to @gamesdonequick.com

Officiating a wedding for the first time in half an hour! I'm so beyond nervous. Wish me luck, friends!

Friend: "What's your favorite needle drop in a movie?" Me: "Probably the adrenaline shot scene in Pulp Fiction" Friend: "Why are you like this?"

They should make a video game based on this new Street Fighter movie like they did with the first one just as a bit

It is my birthday. Lavish me with praise and adoration for washing my hair

A Midwestern propaganda campaign is called a psy ope

After watching the trailer, I've convinced myself there will totally be an unmistakable EVO Moment 37 reference in the Street Fighter movie

If I had a nickel for every television series that's a hyper violent satire of superhero media that's actively airing new episodes with a current plot line focused on a virus that's specifically near 100% lethal to specific superheroes, I'd have two nickels...

Actually, it's the band as a whole that's called Jamiroquai. The singer is Jamiroquai's Monster

Society started going downhill when dudes quit editing together montage videos of Vegeta kicking ass to Linkin Park. What the fuck happened to culture?

Me: "I wanna talk about inflation" Friend: "Oh, I didn't know you were interested in economics" Me: "Economics?" *closes rule34 site*

My TikTok fyp has suddenly become very focused on Chicago lately and all the comments are just exclusively people arguing about hot dogs

I just made myself a steak, I have a surprise day off tomorrow, it's warm enough out that I don't need a hoodie to smoke even at 3am. Man, if my brain made the right chemicals I'd be a fucking Super Saiyan right now

"I've got a bone to pick with the first last call and the rising sun" is, unfortunately, the most relatable lyrics any band has ever put to page

Sexual orientation is actually pretty simple to understand. Gay is when you have a favorite Yeah Yeah Yeahs song. Straight is when you have a favorite Yeah Yeah Yeahs dubstep remix

"Hello, local radio station? I'd like to request a song by Regular Guy Posse"

Me: "Nothing too wild this weekend. Just a few casual beers with the guys" The Guys:

"Into your spirit I commit my hands" -Me, fisting a ghost

Critter Vision on the TV in a bar called the Raccoon Motel. Channeling big @skybilz.bsky.social energy right now

Pizza Places: "Before you order your pizzas, would you first like to order a cheese pizza to start with?" Me: "What? No. That's insane" Pizza Places: "What if we remove all the sauce and put a little bit of it into one impossibly small cup?" Me: "Oh, yes please 🙂"

Her: "Do you have protection?" Me:

[teeing up on the last hole for Eric's bachelor party golf outing while Josh plays Brand New on his bluetooth speaker] Brent: "Is this 18?" Me: "That's what Jesse Lacey should've been asking"

🎵 I bought a pitcher I'm comin' with you Beer, Maria? Count me in! 🎵

Ladies, stop pandering to the male gaze, and start pandering to the male gays. They're so much cooler than us straight ones

My entire life is the constant back and forth of finding out the things I think are weird personality quirks that only I do are totally common and normal, and the things I think are normal are autism

Two of my favorite Deadlock characters

Spiritually, I am Shit the Clown

My massage therapist: what areas do you want me to focus on today? Me: My neck, my back... *intense eye contact*

"Hey Brian, what's a succinct visual representation of the area you live in?"

Enter Sha'Carri

I love karaoke night

Me: "Do people still give swirlies?" Bartender: "My kids used to get 'em all the time" Me: "Jesus, you gotta teach those kids to throw a punch, Margie" Bartender: "Oh, I was the one giving them to 'em"