Being from the Midwest is so embarrassing. What do you mean I got visibly excited when a content creator I follow mentioned Jewel-Osco?

Markiplier Cinematic Universe: • Iron Lung • Cobalt Appendix • Neodymium Prostate

How could anyone be a particle physicist? It's Adam and Eve, not atom and...wait, hang on a sec

Crazy how this dude is who decides if a restaurant is good or not

Lukewarm take, but the prevalence of, and ease of achieving, the right wing grifter life path is a recession indicator. If people were more financially secure, the drive to sell your soul to make easy money off made up culture war bullshit would be practically nonexistent

Miyamoto: "This is my new character, Mario. He can run and jump to explore the kingdom" Nintendo Employee: "Excellent, Mr. Miyamoto. What else can the plumber do?" Miyamoto: "Pyromancy 🙂"

I'm on this really weird part of TikTok where all these different people are hate powerscaling AM from IHNMAIMS, Judge Holden from Blood Meridian, and the Qu from All Tomorrows. It's kinda like "Could Goku beat Superman?" but more like "Could this evil computer turn Superman into sad goo?"

Silksong confirmed

"The costumes in The Odyssey aren't historically accurate" My brother in Zeus, half that book is about sea monsters

I don't think I'd be very good at putting out a fire. But I'm trying asbestos I can

English is a dope language because "banger" can either mean "really good song" or it could also mean "sausage"

Anyone else think it would be super cozy to nap and doomscroll in a human-sized version of one of those little cold weather shelters some people make for stray cats?

When you have T-Mobile and restart your phone:

The temperature is two digits! And not preceded by a negative sign!

This feels like a time to talk about my actual, philosophical stance. I am a cosmic nihilist. The universe is larger than anyone can ever comprehend. We're a dot, on an incomprehensible plane. All we have is our finite existence. Nothing matters, and that's why everything matters

I want to make my stance abundantly clear. ICE is the modern American SS. If you support them...history will have its way with you

Doesn't everyone's basement have a random stash of gin and sriracha? It's for a cocktail called the "Forest Fire", I invented it

If the sole deciding factor in whether or not the government killing someone is justified is whether or not you personally align with their presumed political party affiliation, you may be just a touch brainwashed

this is the Waffle House Index of the north

"I hope you get better soon" is a nice thing to say to someone who's sick, but an awful thing to say to someone playing a sport or video game

A single snowflake falls in Texas:

I am the Lorax I speak for the trees We tried asking nicely Now get on your knees

I have selected POWER DRIVE

Having an actual, intellectual, nuanced conversation with someone about the way video games are designed, is always secretly a race to see which one of you says the word "diagetic" first

This feeling when you have to poop is a heinous torture I wouldn't subject my worst enemy to

Me: "Please, doctor. My colossal, mythological Norse snake. He's very sick. Please have a look at him?" Veterinarian: "Sure, I can take a gandr"

The difference between Coors Banquet and Coors Light is that, while they're both procedurally generated, Coors Lights have functional metaprogression

Come Spring, I should be able to open up my Linkin Park themed lawn care business: One Step Closer to the Hedge (And I'm About to Rake)

Ragebaiting is stupid purely from an economic standpoint. Online outrage is the most plentiful and valueless resource on the planet. It's like being a sand salesman on Arrakis

Chinese YouTuber 'xnzxnz' has built a computer She has named her creation "a computer"

Political discourse in America is just: "Who cares that [Republican] passed the 'Mandatory Kitten Immolation' Act, it's actually good" vs "I can't believe [Democrat] even proposed the 'What if Going to the Hospital was Maybe 1% Less Miserable' Bill, this is the work of Satan himself"

Me to all my friends on my days off (I am not sorry, and it will happen again)

Why do people say crows, ravens, and vultures are bad omens, when starling murmurations exist? Imagine seeing this shit in ancient times and reading it as anything other than, "Holy dogshit God is pissed"

Look at my carbonara and contemplate the concept that I am not actively in current contact with the United States Coast Guard to rescue me from literally drowning in pussy

Me: *drops the One Ring* Sauron: "Foolish mortal. Only the primordial flames of Mt. Doom can destroy my Ring of Power" Me: "Who said destroy?" The Ring: *falls into the gap between my driver's seat and center console* Sauron: "Oh shit. Oh fuck. God dammit"

Bro the bartender's playing Downwell I'm never getting another beer

Saw a ChatGPT ad on the TV earlier, which is already gross enough, but one thing that caught my attention was the music...that is the fucking Katamari Damacy theme song youtu.be/cjveRUfE7dc?...

Watching old Simpsons clips just now made me realize that, with the right emphasis, Phil Hartman sounds like the name of a Hideo Kojima character

Different types of electronic dance music:

Having a hot cocoa in my fleece kittycat blankie before I head downtown in a couple hours to get violently shithoused on Coors Light and Jamo in a fucked up repugnant dive bar 🙂

Every day online is just me and @sunder.bsky.social doing this on a different app

Me: "I'm polymorphous" Friend: "You mean polyamorous?" Me, now a sheep: "Baaa"

I already thought they were bad and now you're tellin' me ICE creamed this sandwich?

Saw the liquor storage at this bar for the first time last night that would make an OSHA inspector instantly burst into flames

Not only is work going to be insanely busy tomorrow night because of Jerry Seinfeld performing a sold out show at the theater a block away, but also I have to warn one of my coworkers because she's a 17 year old girl

Post-hardcore bands in 2010: "What can we do to change up the genre and come up with a unique sound?" God:

The problem with modern marketing is that they don't advertise products as having kung fu grip anymore

Michelle Branch telling her high school guidance counselor where she envisions herself going to college: "When I close my eyes, it's University of Illinois Chicago"

One of the girls at work doesn't speak a great deal of English, but tries to use her time at work to try and learn more. But the guys just keep teaching her to say "mini corndogs." Bro we are omelette du fromage-ing this woman 😭