Both of my cats are doing the "looks like a chicken licking themselves thing" at the same time right now and it's pretty funny

Hear me out: a Katamari game where the levels are based on other video games. You could roll up nurses in Silent Hill, demolish a frontier town in Red Dead Redemption, make a ball of Baldur’s Gate etc

People are so uncreative about their genie wishes. I'd wish for everyone's lamps to turn into live lamprey eels that could survive in air for extended periods of time. I'd first have to wish for lampreys to be considered eels but still, pretty good value for two wishes #genie #lamprey #eels #wishes

I don't know why I didn't make the connection until just now but in fallout 4 the place you find the dog at is called the red rocket The bethesda devs are fuckin furries

Someone needs to make wind chimes that sound like the bear from Annihilation so my neighbors hear that faintly in the distance

pvp sucks shit and catering to the demographic has ruined videogames

Waffle house needs to have a mascot that they make someone dress up as. Imagine how funny watching a waffle mascot starting fights with their customers would be

Echo alpha tango Angle side side

Laying on my back in a tree at the dog park so I can poop directly perpendicular while the dogs bark at me #lifegoals

If they can have “rage rooms” where break stuff with hammers, why can they have “kaiju rooms” where you gleefully stomp cardboard building and toy tanks and maybe where a rubber suit?

Hey! HEY! What do you think you're doing?! We don't do the heimlich maneuver here; this is a natural selection houshold!

I used to joke that by not electing hillary we missed the opportunity to elect the first president to have sucked another president off. Guess for that election it wasn't even possible to miss that opportunity

The more you jerk off the more ghosts of your dead sperm will be there to join you in the afterlife. Get enough to defeat the armies of heaven and then you get to be the new god. At least until the next biggest gooner dies and the cycle starts anew

Butthole more like sluthole

"Individuals" implies the existence of triple A viduals

Found out that the windows 10 right click menu can be used instead of the shitty windows 11 right click menu by holding shift during right click. And apparently there is no way to make that the default option without admin privileges so fuck me for being forced to use this shitty os for work I guess

I'm going to rape your churches and burn your women. In minecraft

We need aliens to come visit so we can have some good cultural exchange and bully their children on gmod

How I Turned my Balls into my Dick Sup everyone, in this video I'm going to show you how you can turn your balls into more dick so that you can get 1-2 extra inches

The official word just came in; flags are to be flown at 150% mast. You gotta get on that pole and manually hold it higher

Um, no, I am not getting a "used" desk chair, and I don't appreciate the implication that I'm poor. I'm just getting it pre-gooned in

Please stop asking why I'm still single. I don't ask why you're still married.

I get sushi rice because I like my rice to be sticky like cum. Everything should be more like cum

don't go observing me, it's me who gets to decide the state of all the quantum shit in me

You know the anime characters who wear training weights all the time? That, but my liver

Superhero who everyone thinks is a really good mechanic that can make his car go real fast, but actually he has super speed and very strong legs so he just cuts a hole in the bottom of the car and Flintstones it

I'm thinking of starting up a lab-grown diamond operation, but it'll be more true to the natural stuff. You will still have the authentic experience of getting an earth born diamond because we will make all of our diamonds by crushing child slaves

The early bird squirts the turd On my god damn windshield. Fuck you

Yelling "giddy up!" and gently, yet assertively, slapping the butt of the possom I'm kneeling over. It finally stops playing dead and starts biting me

Against all odds I actually got some players interested in my stupid ass "dnd 6ep" game (check the hastag) so I might actually be running this. That being said; any of you randos who see this have ideas for absurd game rules you'd like to share? #dnd #dnd6ep

I haven't been posting recently, it's because I died. The funeral will be held. And it better not be dropped u fukin butterfingers

A druid who likes autoerotic asphyxiation so they turn into a snake and choke themselves with their tail like a kinky ouroboros #npcideas #dnd

Blue Moon, green poop

Being able to not just hear but feel your cat purring on your lap is just so adorable

Kinda shitty that there is a rude name for sex workers (whore) but there doesn't seem to be one for people buying their services. I guess there's "simp" but it's mostly for a specific kind of person and also not only for customers of sex workers. To remedy this, I propose the term "butt-customer"

Fun fact: the phrase "heebie jeebies" originates from a guy by the name of Heeburt Jeeberson who was real fuckin weird man

Always disappointed when shipping emails say "track your package" instead of "trackage your package"

I'm done pooping if anyone else needs to use the restroom

"They're just a product of their generation!" Yeah and the product of a bitch is a sunnuva bitch No one gets to use that excuse unless they're actually trying to be better; as far as I'm concerned you don't get excused until you finish what's on your plate

Asthma is a skill issue learn to breathe noob

In 6ep there will be new gods. Not filling new roles, it's just that some people became too good of friends and now we have to replace the ones that were killed #dnd #dnd6ep

Lord of the Elden Ring: The Two Towers The number 1 remake/crossover we need

Just doing a little thinking but what if instead of washing my shirts I twisted them up and squished them into my butthole. And then if I took them out to wear and walk around a little maybe some dogs would attack me. Do you think I could sue and make money

Me eating garbage normalizes it for people who don't have a choice. Same deal with any necessities I don't bother to provide myself Related, the US sure is helping homeless countries feel better about themselves

wtf no nude body model mod for oblivion remastered wtf how long are we supposed to have to wait why wasn't it already in the game wtf

I love how you can tell that a cat has been laying in the sun because their fur is a little softer

I know nowadays everyone has a phone to look stuff up whenever they need to but it's still annoying as hell that most books don't have some sort of blurb saying what they are about and just fill their back cover with like 5 recommendations that feel copy pasted between every book

Hello, I regret to inform you that I am very ill and will not be able to show up to work due to a condition caused by not spending enough time petting my cats. I will need to take some time off to recover

Gonns buy personal information from some data brokers so I can find out where schizophrenic people live and mail them letters with Illuminati symbolism and threats to stop looking into things, or bibles with random passages whited out and a warning that they are only allowed to read that bible now

Cum is medicine and yes, of course it's a suppository