Hey gang new newsletter out with info about my new book Magic In The Holler! If you like stephen king or (r.i.p.) Neil gaiman I think you'll dig it!

Trumpets are for dancing with dames and punching wise guys. Saxophones are for sipping whisky in your office sadly while looking at a framed photograph of your dead wife

I'm stoned at city hall but it's Manitou Springs so everybody else is too

The pre-order for my 3rd book "Magic in the Holler just dropped. Its a modern dark fantasy about an unscrupulous young reporter who gets mixed up with some magic wielding hillbillies. Strong Stephen King vibes!

Nobody ever talks about how just absolutely INCONVENIENT death is

If you've got time to lean you've got time to clean but have you ever tried tidying up on cough syrup? IMPOSSIBLE!

I never really listened to Bieber so sorry if this is an old take but that dude is like 30 now. Why does he still sound like he's lying to his mom

I finally got to say "do you want it done well or do you want it done right" to a person in real life and I need this high to last me at least a week

I think people whonsleep in the middle of the bed have never had a problem in their fucking lives

Blanket immunity is how I keep the monster under my bed from eating my toes

Got a big ol box o books!

New newsletter out about my time as a propagandist. Hope folks will check it out!

Im posting part 2 of my 3 part series on my time as an army propagandist. You should check out pt 1 below

www.tiktok.com/t/ZP8SkJL95/ #charliekirk

Jupiter is just a star who couldn't go pro, plays beer league and has some little moon groupies but he knows the dream is over

I have very nice teeth because I grew up in a country where Americans are rich by default. Went to the best dentist in the country. Such a good salesmen he had my parents nearly convinced to break my jaw to give me more of a chin. You know what's even cheaper than Latin american medicine? A BEARD

Im having the 72 followers version of going viral over on tiktok

No matter how bad you behave, at least you aren’t the Queen. youtube.com/shorts/kno6o...

Well they just made the debate me guy way more important than he actually was

Be a good person

Looking ahead: How do we get the the Vice President to start a relationship with ChatGPT

What is the best book you've read so far this year?

I hope British pornstars say "Time to make the bangers and mash!" before work

I know folks are worried about soldiers in the streets of american cities, but I'm from Colorado Springs, we're crawling with soldiers. Just do what we do and cover your drinks

I bet Frankenstein's monster and the Wolfman would be friends. They could play fetch with body parts for hours

If I lived in a comic strip I'd want it to be peanuts because as an adult I'd exist as some sort of invisible honking being. An ethereal trumpet mute

Sharing stand up vids to the tok again if that's your sort of thing, give me a follow!

Finished the third draft of my next book and sent it off to the editor today!

I didn't make much on my books but shout out to the hero who smashed all of A Million Butterfly Wings in one day! Its a quick read but damn!

New piece on substack about my time in the military and how propaganda works on the ground level

I’ll have a new post in a three part series about my time as an Army Public Affairs Specialist and how propaganda works in practice out tomorrow on my substack. But hey we did have some integrity! Here’s a picture I wasn’t allowed to print because the army won’t promote smoking!

I take pills that make me tired. Its like waking up and taking a shot of nyquil

Bro we had to do that shit in war zones. More folks were getting hit by cars on base than killed by the enemy

I took a class trip to DC in high school. At the capital I got to see motions being argued and voted on and hardly a single congressperson showed up. Then I lost my wallet and nobody turned it in. At the seat of government power. I learned most of what I needed to know about the government that day

I hate that Newsom is getting juice from his shitty trump impression I don't think trump is funny but I get why his base does. Newsom just biting his style or getting his social media team to do it is fucking lame joke thievery hack bullshit

How come they always want to give guns to the gym teacher? Sick jumpshot bro! Anyway speaking shots here's a glock

I don't think conservatives go far enough. As a religious institution the government shouldn't recognize ANY marriages gay straight or otherwise. So there!

When I was 22 I got a question mark tattoo on my arm because, "you gotta question everything man" of course at the time I didn't realize folks were still questioning the shape of the earth

I went to concentration camp as a kid (summer school on Adderall) Anyway Florida is opening another detention facility

We're going to be ok. Not you or me but like the human race. We're roaches and our disease riddled wasteland babies will eat the soft rich island bunker babies

New ride!

New newsletter/blog is up over on substack! Check it out to learn about my current/upcoming projects and subscribe for new stuff every month

There's a case to be made The Osbornes is the reason everything bad thats happened in this country happened. War Pigs might be worth it though. RIP Ozzy

Just dropped a comedy EP about growing up so religious we moved to another country about it

2 years seizure free!

From the Vault: The Mountain Check it out for free here! And subscribe for new monthly writing from yours truly! The Mountain is a historical fantasy short story about the birth of an Italian crime family in ye old roman times. It was fun to write and folks seem to like it! #indieauthor #substack

Hear me out, next year instead of fireworks: Low orbit tactical nukes

My friend Kevin who is do not believe is on @bsky.app recorded a live track at my open mic last night then mixed and uploaded it from his car on the way to another show. And also its fucking great! Folks should hear his music

If Harvard really gave a shit theyd just dump their curriculum online tomorrow in celebration of this great nation

I remember a time when folks would say shit like america is great because our police are held to a higher standard than (insert country) now those people say shit like the cops should be allowed to hide their faces and shit