Looking up from my meal, locking eyes with the sandwich artist: "Thank you for making this sandwich for me. I really appreciate it."

Unfortunately i have lost the sony./vegas handle and motherfuckers will not let me have that power again but thats okay we will change and prosper in the face of adversity.

Doing hang outs and having heartfelt conversations to engagement bait for caring friendships that i'll cherish forever

Two sentence tragedy: I should start posting here more. - 𝘵𝘸𝘰 𝘮𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘩𝘴 𝘢𝘨𝘰

If ur not in fear for your life every time you jack off then what the fuck is the point

penics

im not getting into cracker discourse on this app, but i will say some of y'all are way too comfy admitting ritz is ur favorite

I've found myself caring way too much about stand-up recently and dude the landscape is so bleak. I got so far down the hole last night i put the words "bert kreischer stand up" into youtube and it was like when u sneeze in ur hands without thinking and look at it immediately after.

The penis just looks like a weird cell tower i think i should be able to pick up FM waves with it. I should be able to twist my balls and tune in to the local college football game using my erection if i want to.

Me, staring at a machine of infinite possibilities: Im so boooooored this is booooring

[youth pastor scrolling through his students' twitters, beaming with pride] All of these words are in the bible

My song THE MOVE is out now! Please listen and share! I worked hard on this and can't wait to work hard on more tracks. Thank you! 📀📀📀📀📀 saintgolden.bandcamp.com/track/the-move soundcloud.com/heysaintgold...

I think im gonna become the worlds first italian noise artist that u could take to the county fair and have a good time with.

Looking at the map of images on my iphone rn and i think the rope that tethers me to reality broke for a second

Interstellar? Buddy the only thing Im trying to be Inter is some StellaRtois

I keep seeing these videos of people in simulation houses doing roleplay break-ins for fun and i wanna know how long it'll be until white suburban moms start making a sport out of it

Thinking about what the best walkout song would be for divorce court

Putting the gun in my mouth and shaking my head to show everyone how much i don't agree with suicide

Do those ball chains that connect to pens serve any sort of purpose besides bearing a striking resemblance to anal beads

Kids toys used to be breakable i don't know what the fuck happened. When i was a kid and a toy broke i could pop it back into place. This kid just broke his fidget spinner and he looked up at me as if i could solve his problems. I could only muster up the courage to say "its over kid" and walk away.

Dude youtube shorts fucking suck my mental breakdowns used to be very funny now i got a video autoplaying of a guy carrying a ten foot pizza outside until everything stops registering except the word "pizza" and i just start repeating over and over under my breath

One of my aglets came off my laces today and everyone started bullying me into showing my shoe laces and when i finally sent a pic they said "Nice aglets faggot, where did u get them from, the worthless piece of shit store?"

I wanna stick rick beato in a pressurized chamber and keep his eyes pried open while i hook a tv up in front of his capsule that plays yamataka eye live shows

Yea im working on a story its kinda whats been eating away all my time for the past couple months [looks up really cool unicode characters for the next 4 hours to swag out my social media bios]

every time i have a niece or nephew over i show tjem street fight videos and tell them every person in those videos is cool and u should be like them

If i had mario 64 powers i would go into the scream painting and tell him to chill the fuck out

7-9p 09/11/23 - SHELL CORP COUNTER PROGRAMMING: 9/11 FREE IMPROV FROM ANTI-AMERICAN + RYAN, HUNTER AND JAKE OVER AT twitch.tv/the_seldom_s...

24 HOURS. 2 TOWERS. 1 CORPUS. 0 SURVIVORS. WE GOT 24 HOURS OF 9/11 PROGRAMMING FOR ALL OF YOUR INSENSITIVE JOKE NEEDS, YOU SICK FUCK. COME CELEBRATE THE FAILURE OF POST 9/11 AMERICA BY STARING AT YOUR COMPUTER FOR 24 HOURS. discord.gg/t9qddGnv?eve...

24 HOURS. 2 TOWERS. 1 CORPUS. 0 SURVIVORS. WE GOT 24 HOURS OF 9/11 PROGRAMMING FOR ALL OF YOUR INSENSITIVE JOKE NEEDS, YOU SICK FUCK. COME CELEBRATE THE FAILURE OF POST 9/11 AMERICA BY STARING AT YOUR COMPUTER FOR 24 HOURS. discord.gg/t9qddGnv?eve...

*feels my weird twitter energy leaving* no!!!! no!!!!!!!!!

Agnostics be like: Oneotrix Point Maybe.

Job Interviewer: “I see you’ve got ‘multi-tasker’ as one of your qualities on your application. Can you tell me about a time you’ve multi-tasked before?” Me, panicking bc i dont know how to respond: “I text and drive.”

real sketch page

I just wanted to apologize for my use of that discord sticker, I know it has the f slur in it and i wanted to clarify that im not gay. It was a misclick. Sorry to anyone i offended

"Hey so where u from?" [tells me a place i know absolutely nothing about] "Im so sorry dude"

I love American soundsystem culture because its always some 35 yr old bald military veteran sitting in his car faintly nodding his head to the beat and when the bass hits he immediately hits a thousand yard stare like hes gettin gulf war flashbacks while his car starts violently disassembling itself

For my next social experiment im gonna be pelting kids that have peanut allergies with nutter butters and when someone calls 911 and the cop comes im gonna reach for their gun

Pro-Lifers start a grindcore band with the express purpose of pushing anti-abortion propoganda but become horribly disillusioned when metalheads keep telling them their posters look raw as fuck

Im still scared of the dark so sometimes if i think theres a ghost or something lurking in the shadows ill start shouting "HEY YOU FUCKING F*GGOT! FUCK YOU!!!" at them until i feel like ive adequately emasculated them to the point that they wont attack me anymore.

revising christ as a coke addicted Noise Artist named Rapture Repellant and she lives in the basement of Ur brothers friends ex-poly partners house and u say hi to her sometimes when u pick up weed from him. She asks if u wanna listen to her demo tapes and u deny her 3 times before she gets evicted

all of these are valid answers

if BJ stands for blowjob and HJ stands for handjob, then what does NJ stand for?

Its crazy how good Joanna Newsom is and then her husbands Andy Samberg lol. Thats like if Greta Gerwig married Seth Macfarlane

People talk about problematic fetishes a lot but some are just frustrating to me on an economic level. Dudes who want their full body to be put in a cast and its like, dude, get real. U cannot be doin that shit every day its time to find some more attainable goals in life

RT if you agree

sorry i havent been around as much recently. ive been playing baldurs gate 3 and variously spurning and accepting the invitations my party members in that game make to have sex and cum inside them

THIS IS THE ONLY WAY WE SHOULD BE WAGIN WAR FROM NOW ON. DONT LIKE OUR EMBARGOS? MOTHERFUCKER ILL SEE YOU AT THE AUDITORY BLAST ZONE. BRING UR BIGGEST SUBS. STRAP IT TO THE TANK. AND FORWARD MARCH TOWARDS THE ENEMY LOCKED AND LOADED WITH YOUR BEST TEAROUT DUBSTEP MIX. NATO SANCTIONED DJ BATTLES