What if there was a really good sandwich?

I’m going to be so annoyed tomorrow afternoon when it’s 70 degrees and sunny and I am not getting day drunk on a patio.

I was sick last week and skipped many workouts.

Most dudes are just some guy.

As a chronic insomniac who only gets a good night’s sleep MAYBE once a month, Daylight Saving Time has never really made a difference in my life one way or another. Except back when I was bartending and the time change happened *during* my shift. That was fun.

I can’t bring myself to buy a Switch 2, so I’ll just admire your little Pokémon islands from a distance.

I invented a time machine. I’m going to use it to make things worse.

It’s not a scarf. It’s 1/10th of a blanket. #crochet 🧶

Something cool should happen.

I would do more cardio if it wasn’t so boring. Gyms need to set up a DDR station or something.

The fact that I’ve been on social media for twenty years is baffling to me. The internet hasn’t even been around that long.

Not as big as some of my blankets, but I ran out of yellow yarn, and I wasn’t about to buy any more. Start to finish: 5 days. #crochet 🧶

I am now realizing that Starfleet Academy had to start out silly and cringe so that we can be more affected by THE TRAUMA.

How do I apply?

🕳️

I haven’t been to the gym in over a week.

Okay, so in his defense, we had to take him to the emergency room today because he has pneumonia in both lungs.

This is great news because Markwayne Mullin is also a giant asshole.

When I was 16, I collected Monopoly pieces from McDonalds. After a while of not winning anything, I threw them all away. The next time I went to McDonalds, I got the piece that I was missing. I would’ve/should’ve won a new car.

Any day now.

Because I lived alone for 20ish years and always had to take care of myself when I got sick, I never really understood the whole overdramatic man flu thing that dudes supposedly succumb to, but I gotta tell you, living with my parents again right, my 70-year old father is a fucking BABY.

The Scrubs revival should bring back Brendan Fraser, like “Surprise, bitches, I was alive the whole time!”

Call in sick to your first day at a new job to assert dominance.

Just diggin’ through some old shirts to see if they still fit.

Not as big as some of my blankets, but I ran out of yellow yarn, and I wasn’t about to buy any more. Start to finish: 5 days. #crochet 🧶

You ever have a poop that feels more like an exorcism?

Experian: “Your credit score has gone up!” Me: “That can’t possibly be right.”

Currently watching Predator: Badlands, and I really love that someone was like, “You know what the Predator franchise needs? A buddy comedy.” And they were right.

Many things to do today, but I can’t leave the house because I’m waiting on a mystery package that “requires a signature.”

I love it when Phone is like, “Check out this memory from two years ago!” and it’s the day your cat died.

Doctor: “What’s the average number of alcoholic beverages you consume in a week?” Me (a binge drinker who is good at math): “I think the median is going to be a more valuable measure in this case.”

I need there to be an amazing sci-fi show with 200+ episodes that I somehow haven’t heard of or seen yet. (I’m not looking for suggestions; no such show exists; I have already seen everything).

Opening a bar exclusively for people born in 1985.

Friday to Sunday. #crochet 🧶

The Fellowship should have just given the Ring to the Balrog. I’m sure that would have been fine.

To be fair

Oh, he’s up to something. #crochet 🧶

I don’t want to *go* to the gym. I want to already *be* at the gym.

Got offered a bartending job today, so I will finally be adding cardio back into my life (power-walking around a restaurant for 6-8 hours at a time).

The hardest thing about moving here has been finding a place that sells good pizza and wings.

These damn Starfleet Academy kids are going to break my heart.

I just randomly watched an episode of Major Crimes — the only episode I’ve ever seen — and Mary McDonnell has died. I now want to rewatch Battlestar Galactica.

The Pitt should do a musical episode even though it makes absolutely no sense with the premise of the show. Oh yeah, from 2pm-3pm everybody just burst into song and then everything went back to normal.

Meh.

Has the Wordle word ever been “yeast?” I haven’t played in years, but I always started with “yeast.”

The oil change people showing you the dip stick is the same as when a Dairy Queen employee flips your Blizzard upside down. Like thanks for the demonstration, but I really didn’t need to see it. Whatever happens in there is none of my business.

I was just trying to find a parking spot. I did not know there was a Barnes and Noble here. Guess I’m spending money today. 🤷🏻‍♂️

Living with my parents again means sometimes I wake up and find a note on the kitchen table where my dad has given me a side quest for the day.

I’m surprised MrBeast hasn’t tried to Truman Show anybody yet. That seems right up his alley.

Heart.