harry and bo, the gummy brothers

free bagels at work. cut the wrong way. i’m sitting here wiping cream cheese on a poppy seed horseshoe lookin like a fool

cold showers make me feel like an 11 year old girl carrying my tuba home from band practice in the pouring rain bc my single mother was out gambling again and forgot to pick me up they make me feel extra clean though

i feel very powerful when bugs crawl past me while i am actively cleaning with harsh chemicals like. have you no fear? one spritz could reduce you to a hollow lemon fresh carapace

abolish ice. because i have sensitive teeth

a furniture store and a diner with a number in the name

turns out this was “very illegal” and now i’m taking “mandatory classes” about harvesting dna from coworkers :/

after wood fire pizza? i’m glad that woodworking. - @kart-41.bsky.social

if i had infinite money i think i would just draw tons of incoherent schematics with instructions and submit them to patent offices

this is what they would look like if they could see

Heeeheeeheee for @vavor.bsky.social Thank you so much!! 💕💕 #furry #furryart

just saw someone on the L wearing an n95 style facemask that was entirely made of brown leather

nut world

atlantic city

power outage got me feeling like charles mcgill

every saturday i go to the grocery store and rearrange everything on the shelves. on sundays i put raw chickens with flour and baking goods

drone strike (unionized mindless latex drones)

i’m taking piss samples from whoever keeps pissing all over the toilet seat in the work bathroom and sending it to 23andme for identification and genealogy. your days are numbered. i’m turning your family tree to lumber

they call me $20 burger the way i leave you with a sense of regret

CRIMSON

so it’s not just me

woke terio be like: oo kill they/them

pumpkin spikes

some ads i’ve screenshotted in the past 24 hours

i feel the same way about spiders as republican parents feel about gay people. i appreciate your contributions to this world but stay the FUCK away from me. disgusting.

theyve invented a new computer. theyre calling it God

egg nog in a can

13 year old: i wish i had a homeless person accent me: wtf does that mean 13 year old: i’m not quite sure but i would like to find out

my favorite eeveelution is singaporeon

well ya know what they say. god gave you three throats for a reason

woke reagan

i hope i can keep losing weight without medical assistance discovered today that a bunch of old shirts that have been rotting in my closet once again fit me. this rocks

who is Papa Squat

guy just walked up to me at work holding something that was very much so not a pizza and said “are these the only pizzas you got”

twice #balisong

hungry baby keem be like: when you come see the stir you better fry, ho

do any of yall ever randomly remember something that pisses u off so bad that it ruins ur day

do you think the entities in area 51 are enjoying a nice break from testing and tormenting during the shutdown

extra credit on a polygraph test

if ya fart what i’m sniffin, yknow?

you know what they say. same shit different butt

schizofennec

danny phantom pain

going to a late halloween costume party in a suspiciously high quality straitjacket and muzzle and convincing everyone that it’s just a costume and nothing else

i wanna give a tweaker an ipad with chatgpt and a notebook and make them journal daily

i’m convinced that ppl just don’t have tastebuds coworker gave me this, glazing it hardcore. this is the nastiest fuckin thing i’ve ever put on my tongue it tastes like a raisin boiled in cranberry sauce and marmite. what the fuck do u mean “chocolate chip brownie”

transfers with the DE kraken :3 posting this a day early over here lol #balisong #butterflyknife