When your steamliner friend busts out another great joke

"Mama I need to bring a hammer to school next week!"...that, um, that doesn't sound right I don't want a classroom of 7 year olds with hammers.

I bet all my female ancestors would be pleased with all the lip gloss their descent has acquired. I got lips softer than any medieval queen could ever dream of.

Tonight I am a nurse in the metaphorical grill ER

I smoked everyone at the church's Christmas party quiz!!!!!

Trying to raise the corpse of my Skyrim save file like a necromancer

I love sorting donations. Someone dropped off a bag that was underwear, travel scrabble, and a bunch of lightbulbs (not pictured).

Who is else is eatting a lot less meat because it's just way more expensive anymore?

I like the Pitt so far, seen the first few episodes, but I am always so bored by the doctor's personal drama stuff. I just want to see some gnarly medical stuff. Stop gumming up my Tales from The ER vibe with soap opera shit.

Would it really be Thanksgiving if the cook wasn't a tinsy bit drunk on wine by the time she was done cooking?

The strangest way to buy books I've ever seen. You pay for the thickness

The song in question in "Your Mother Should Know" would have to be like, a ragtime song or from a minstrel show.

My kitchen assistant

The kitty has a poopy butthole he will not let clean therefore the kitty cannot come in until he takes care of said poopy butthole

My boss just gave me 50 euros in cash and told me to get my son some Sinterklaas presents ❤️

"I'll see you in court!" (friendly)

FUCK I'm so ready for Christmas merriment! Bring it!!!!!

Well I just found out about Ita bags. So that's going to be my thing for a while. But not anime, I don't like that. Other stuff.

The kitty has decided my place on the sofa is his place and he looks soooo comfy I don't have the heart to move him

I'm being held sleep hostage in my own house. My son loses his shit if I go to bed before 10pm but I'm so tired

My Star Trek b-storyline pitch is a Klingon gets cosmetic plastic surgery for massive head ridges.

The coffee machine at work be all "it is necessary to clean me" hahah fuck off coffee machine ain't no one gonna do that

No one really talks about how nuts can go either sweet or savory, no problem.

Boo yah! Guess who won the trivia game at church!

Yeah sex is cool but you ever have a dental hygienist tell you you've been doing a great job with flossing?

Wild goose chaise longue

I opened up a big box of stickers and work and I went "Stickers!!!!" And my coworker also went "OMG stickers!" We are both in our 40s

"Boss, I'm pretty sure this is an Easter egg." "it's a Christmas ornament, put it up!"

I heard in that new Harry Potter show Malfoy makes fun of a mudblood chav and gets knife-crimed.

Oh that Dagoth Ur followers mod looks so cool I wish it was on the xbone

Gottdang everyone be careful walking down the stairs my thigh is just one big bruise now

Fell down the stairs real hard and now my legs all sore. New Skyrim playthrough with goal of polygamy and adopting all the children. Dragons can fo fuck themselves

I bet it feels so good to absorb a dragon soul

Jamie Oliver's new money-saving cooking tips are just instructions on how to steal from Tesco

Mmmmm the day after the election and all your boomer coworkers want to know your opinion and you are an immigrant who votes. Mmmm.

What's fucked up about Wilders losing last night is that a lot of Dutch people apparently can excuse racism but draw the line at fumbling the economy.

There's way more flag and map content for preteens than you'd think

Yo guess which idiot got to decorate work for Halloween because her evangelical coworker does not approve of Halloween but goth spooky shit is baked into Catholicism?

The prevalence of AI writing fiction has encouraged me to write even less normal and just go hog and write even weirder than I was before. No one will ever think a computer wrote my stuff.

*checks the time* Shit, looks like it's time to get into Sabrina Carpenter

Of course the chatGPT makes stuff up, it told me I was a valuable human worthy of love!

Haunted house movie but everyone has autism and they aren't sure how they are supposed to act when the ghosts show up.

My son is playing Skyrim for the first time!

Forgive for I have sinned, I have bought so much make up just because the packaging was cute

Thinking bout that glussy

So I think my bil house might have ghosts cause it used to be a nursing home. I brought an EMF meter but I don't want to tell him because he is schizophrenic and I don't want hik to have ghosts on the mind but no one here is like, hip enough to covertly scan for spooks.

Great the news is on. I always feel better after watching all the good things that are happening all over the world!

My husband is like "hey what don't we have some fresh fruit for lunch" fuck no I'd like a shworma instead

Baby our love will never die let's be immortalized on some scissors

I wouldn't be good at writing slasher movies because I'd never be able to get over the plot hole of "they live in America why don't they just get a gun?"