Heard yer ma telling everyone yer da’s been raptured but she’s actually just booted him out for selling counterfeit Chicago Town mini pizzas out of the shed

Ask not for whom the Lime bike beeps; it beeps for thee

And if you gaze long into the potato you forgot about in the cupboard, the potato you forgot about in the cupboard gazes also into you

The tangerines you bought on your delusional health kick watching you eat crisps

Listening to the 500 Days of Summer soundtrack for maximum emotional damage & now, inevitably, debating getting a fringe cut in

'Join us later on BBC News when I'll be thoroughly grilling Ed Davey on the costings of Lib Dem policies, but first here's a slavish acceptance of the latest Reform press release.'

Radio 6 is beating the shit out of me with the big bat of gorgeous bittersweet nostalgia this morning

I was watching The Pacific last night, which is always a great if massively depressing & horrible watch, but fuck me, the opening credits don’t half go on a bit

I didn’t look at the news or the socials at all last night & I could almost hear my brain healing. It was lovely. Anyway, here I am again

Been quite a mental few days aye

Today I finally got to meet the beagle downstairs, who I learned is named Diana (the queen of hearts!) & she also spins around on her arse when she’s excited & happy (she did this after I cuddled her)

How it feels to have no alarms set for the morning

Having a horrendous cold in a heatwave is a uniquely shit experience that I hope never to repeat

If you want an idea of how seriously I took my education at 17, I didn’t realise that AS levels were real exams until I was going into the hall to do them & one of my friends assured me that they weren’t just a practice run

How have I managed to get a cold in an August heatwave

In what feels like a very British tragedy, I can’t wear my Adidas sliders at the moment because I dropped a full & unopened Gü lemon cheesecake on my right big toe on Saturday night

Sharing a GoFundMe for a guy I’ve known since college who urgently needs heart surgery. Paul’s 38 & a genuinely lovely man & this situation truly sucks. If you could share the link or help in any way, I’d be so thankful. gofund.me/17bbd9a2

[To the tune of Party Rock Anthem] Sorry for shoddy parking

My very young colleague just said to me in all innocence, “Have you got a railcard?” My sweet summer child, I am 38

Signs (2002)

God I love The Gilded Age. The stakes for almost everything are so low (e.g. Someone’s lost a glove! or The chef’s been faking his accent!) that when something high stakes happens, you gasp in a way you haven’t gasped at the telly since Breaking Bad series 5

That Bonnie Blue doc was a bit mucky wasn’t it

Wiggling my eyebrows suggestively into the abyss

Woman just came up to me asking if I spoke Russian

A man suddenly approached me in the park yesterday while I was sitting on the grass & reading alone & I feel quite silly now because I absolutely jumped out of my skin. He was being very complimentary but he came towards me so fast that I proper shit myself 🥲

There’s one death we’re all eyeing, let’s be real

Bandanas across the world being removed in respect today, fluttering sombrely in the breeze like so many small, weird flags

Splitter!

Dreamt that Alexander Skarsgard wanted to marry me last night & in the dream I was worried about how to break it to Mr Gwd. But when I told him about it today he was like “honestly, fair enough”

It’s 22C & muggy but we’re still going out for a Sunday dinner

Fair play to the arsehole who thought he looked tough shouting at me from his fucking Brompton

Gorgeous rainy day in TV’s London

Christ that song took a very on-topic turn then, thankfully vindicated by the following line #totp

My dad bought Aqua’s album, to the absolute bewilderment of us all #totp

The bald lad isn’t a doctor, mark my words #totp

Hopefully all this Epstein stuff will tip old big bum over the edge into a massive hearto & on the weekend no less!

Not the Jumbotron!

Only gone & landed a pair of excellent winter boots that fit like a dream for the low low price of £22 because they’re from the kids’ range

That was all a bit much wasn’t it

I’m never drinking white wine again. Fear that this hangover will be my untimely end frankly

Treated myself to a tankard of water with tons of ice & sliced cucumber in it last night & tbh I felt like an emperor

May have just given a man a bollocking for leaving his empty can on our wall & going to walk off

Me on the Bakerloo line later

Accidentally left my kindle in the house

Thinking about the woman I sat next to on the train yesterday morning who was reading flat-out smut before 8am

Words cannot express how much I love the new mattress topper

King of the Hill is finally on Disney+ in the UK & Ireland!! This is not a drill!!

Convinced I have the mind of a child because the moment I overhear anyone talking about KPIs & metrics & other businessy stuff my brain simply does this

The new & much-needed mattress topper has arrived