KEIR STARMER: Just a quick note to say, “give way to the right” is really only good advice when it comes to roundabouts.

They should put these people in the Olympic team because fuck me, the gymnastic abilities they’re showing off in their efforts to make this someone else’s fault are absolutely gold medal worthy.

“Eight grams short! Eight grams! Sidney! SIDNEY! Get the spreadsheet updated!”

First picture: Michael’s letter to the Daily Mail suggesting that immigrants are actually just good people looking for a better life who want to work and contribute. Second picture: Michael five minutes after the rest of the Daily Mail readership catch up with him.

“When I was in the army I was in the army.”

Make Britain Cruel Again

Strong “I am masturbating as I write this” energy here

9 years ago. Never forget.

“First they came for the mashed potato, and I said nothing, because I was not a complete fucking weirdo trying to paint myself as the victim of some massive culture war conspiracy through the medium of mashed potato.”

“See what they’re making me do?” weeps landlord grabbing more and more money off of their tenants instead of just making a little less profit. “I don’t want to be taking even more of your cash! Honestly! It’s the government’s fault! I wish I wasn’t doing this! Noooooooo!”

“I agree with Steve.” said Mrs Bunty Twelvetrees, 83, church organist, raffle organiser, roof repair fund treasurer and hollowed out hate-fuelled husk of a human being, today. “The church is no place for any of these trendy woke types with their notions of kindness and compassion towards others.”

“Bloody snowflakes!” shouted Nigel, working himself up to a coronary at the idea of some imagined criticism of a chocolate bar’s availability by some people he conjured up in his head two minutes ago.

Imagine getting this angry at the idea of children being fed and not going hungry.

“I’ll be honest with you, I just want to see people suffer.”

SCARY THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: This person gets to vote

"I don't care, but I'm really nosy, but I'm not interested, but I'm super curious and it's none of my business but I want to know everything" Fuck me.

Or you could, I dunno, just mind your own business and not weirdly stare at the body and genitalia of someone in your aquafit class before writing in to a national newspaper with your speculation about what they’ve got under their swimming costume.

Who ya gonna call? GHOST THATCHER

Just an absolute privilege to watch minds like this at work, it really is.

SURPRISE PLOT TWIST!

FROM THE ARCHIVES: “Up and out through the bunghole” #Easter

Part of me thinks that I should really feel sympathy for people who spend so much of their lives - and time they absolutely won’t get back - angry, terrified and upset because they’ve been radicalised by right-wing media. …then I remember that they’re cunts and think “Nah.”

FROM THE ARCHIVES: “Never did me any harm.” says spite-fuelled husk of a human being.

Gripping stuff, it really is

IT’S KICKING OFF: For those unfamiliar with this sort of thing, this is BBC Radio 3 listener-speak for “I am a woman who has been pushed to the very edge and will absolutely fuck someone up.”

TRANSLATION: “I’m a bitter, hate-fuelled, curtain-twitching prick.”

Have some self respect, Soreen fruit loaf

TRANSLATION: “Waaaaah! Waaaaaaah! The’re being nice about brown people on my radio! Waaaaaah! Waaaaaah! Waaaaaaaah!”

nEVer DiD mE ANy hARm

Gareth there, expressing his real feelings of disappointment at the idea of there being plans to make it illegal to beat children.

“I won’t be forced to eat protein.” says Susan, insisting that she’s going to be eating meat instead, thank you very much. …no-one tell her.

No LGB without the Tea

You’d think if there was any President of any country in the world that really didn’t want to get into any sort of finger-wagging lecture on confiscating land it would be the the President of the United States but….

So the Royal Navy has decided to name its next submarine HMS Achilles instead of HMS Agincourt, and the stench of outrage, fag smoke and statins on the Daily Express letters page is overwhelming…

Celebrating fascists winning to own the libs

MEANWHILE, ON FACEBOOK: Now I’ll admit, this is maybe not the wittiest rejoinder I’ve ever come up with but in my defence it’s completely and utterly heartfelt.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: for a silent majority they never, ever, ever shut the fuck up.

…remind me, because I’m old and my memory sometimes plays tricks on me, but isn’t there a word to describe people who appeal to a foreign power to bring down their own government?

TRANSLATION: “I underpaid on my taxes and have been asked quite reasonably to pay it back. Here’s how the true villains are all them bloody foreigns coming over here.”

Someone wants a three-wheeled bike of their own, don’t they Paul?

None. NEXT QUESTION

Writing a letter stressing how totally and absolutely non-racist something is and ending it with a suggestion that if you don’t like it you can piss off and live somewhere else is…quite the flourish.

BLUB BLUB BLUB BLUB THERE’S ALL WOMEN ON MY TELLY BLUB BLUB BLUB BLUB

TFW you’re four drinks in, it’s the first Christmas after the divorce and Maureen won’t let you see the kids

Slightly soggy with traces of gravy? Someone’s been reading my Tinder profile…

TRANSLATION: “I am entirely fuelled by hatred.”

“I have gay friends.”

So good that Express and Mail readers have weighed in with their thoughts on who the real villains are in the whole Greggggg Wallace / Masterchef situation. That’s a timesaver.

Planning all your future holidays entirely around cafes that only sell meat-based products to own the libs.

“Just give the job to the best person, please. Whoever he happens to be.”