"university of minnesota: leave" congratulations on adopting a tagline that will trigger the biggest vandalism campaign in the history of north america

"cesar chavez was extraordinary, except when it came to raping women and girls, which made him extremely ordinary for the time." —somebody with lead poisoning, one assumes

when the motel 6 staff lets you keep leftovers in the staff fridge

B1G excellence; the u of i meat science lab has some very good quality for what i would call squarely reasonable prices (and in an all-time bonehead marketing move is next to a big cemetery)

miles is more than kilometers and gallons is more than liters, and i want to measure how much more i get per more, not how much less i get per less, because more is more than less, and more is more good than less because it's more

(tiny chef voice) blitoris

i was the target of a politically-motivated prosecution by jeanine pirro

a handful of georgian air traffic controllers have a chance to do something extremely funny

when's npr gonna open a sports book

the fastest i've ever loaded up a tab with c-span

my cat is simultaneously mister boy and mister man. good luck explaining that, atheists

got arrested for starting a circle pit at disney on ice

ayo any aunties out there looking to settle you've tried the best and the rest, now have the depresst

didn't realize scoliosis could reach the skull

wild how nobody is talking about virgil texas being in the epstein files

not so much fearless but motivated by one really big fear. i wonder if that will impact the other two priorities. no way to know, really.

“don’t talk to cops” includes taunting the other team’s bench

everything is gambling now because it is fully coherent under fascism: good and bad things happen arbitrarily and inequitably, at the cost of everybody else

this will not make anything better but it made me smile for a minute so here we go i also strongly recommend yard work instead of making plans and overt steps in furtherance of committing [redacted]

drawing up an ideal state for contract administration because not only am i a law pervert, but i am a process pervert 😈

in addition to not knowing what a catch is anymore, i don’t know what a false start is anymore

bo nix is the name of a goth fanfic love interest

turns out this is the departing second in command at ice, and not a cpr dummy with a spirit halloween wig. not *just* a cpr dummy with a spirit halloween wig, anyhow

this one singing flower is joan cusack and i don’t feel like i need to explain !

i regret to inform you that the new rob zombie album isn't half bad

i love you chicago, i love you and i’m very happy for you

one change to football that will make it way better: unlimited challenges, but with increasing costs for failing. first challenge fails, opponent gets a point; second challenge fails, opponent gets two points; and so on the nfl should pay me $15 million for this very good idea, repost if you agree

boy, ain't that the truth!

stav laughing hysterically while saying “no” to nick over and over

another year of being the one guy in porno site comments saying things like “actually getting your dick sucked isn’t fun at all” and “ew wtf”

happy new year, time to work on my resolution: getting exactly three (3) dogs to give me so many kisses on the lips

congratulations to everybody in chicago having unprotected sex after tonight’s win

me after hanging out in palm springs wearing a hand-sequined “slut” pin one time

yeah, i got a touch of the 'tism: patriotism.

i mean, i was pretty close

you all are going to look so foolish when trump gets on tv tonight and provides new and overwhelming evidence of bigfoot

disney is gonna love the eventual scene-by-scene recreation of salò

OFFICIALLY-LICENSED AI GOOFY: Gawrsh, buddy! It seems like you've got it all figured out! All signs points to you being gang-stalked by enough people to fill a theme park! I guess you're going to have to take matters into your own hands, ah-hyuck!

running for senate so i can ask kristi noem, under oath, whether or not she thinks barefoot is legal

there's something inelegant about yelling "dort" irrespective of how devastating a three pointer may be; you need to start with "lu" or "luguens" or else you sound completely unserious

in the past three days, a bunch of boy scout handbook-ass shit happened to me -birthday balloon with two kids' letters to santa attached found while cleaning up the backyard -elderly neighbor fell down and needed assistance please tell me there's a pussy eating merit badge

[switching to npr news host cadence] today in that ass, i'm gonna nut

just a humble sluggo looking for his nancy

[emailing a convicted child sex trafficker] this trump guy is a real jerk

put the rams back in the maac while you're at it

ham, sweet potatoes, collards, mac and cheese, pecan pie, cornbread AND biscuits is not only the optimal spending pattern but the best meal available, i will not countenance any dissent, you are free to eat your bland slop

(to the tune of hallelujah) yamamoto

i'm sad about part of the white house being torn down in the same sense i was sad when oj simpson died: i wasn't, nobody should have been, and it should have happened a lot sooner and a lot more violently

i love r/wallstreetbets, a bunch of polo shirted golden retrievers betting their life savings that the olympic diver will eventually shoot back out of the pool and even higher than where they started