Around this time every year I’m reminded how gremlin coded bestie is

I can’t wait to see how many bottles of wine I need to consume to make my family tolerable tomorrow

It’s fun to be the coolest and most successful and also a transsexual at family holidays because it makes everyone else look so bad

Gremlins time

Once again reminding everyone that pro wrestling is just a bunch of gay theater nerds putting on a gymnastics battle for rednecks

Merry crim cram f slurs

Simply having a transsexual Christmas time

Bestie looking at me helplessly: u make potates? 🥺👉👈

Bestie: if our tamale guy is open tomorrow can we get tamales? 🥺👉👈

Bestie I want Taco Bell Me: we have taco stuff in the fridge I can make you a taco Bestie:……. Me: but you specifically want the degeneracy of Taco Bell Bestie: 😳😳😬

Bestie returning hours later: OUR banana chips

Bestie: I’ve never seen a Godzilla movie Me: Jesus fucking Christ

Telling my straight white boy friend one battle after another was 30 minutes too long and overall a 7/10

Bestie looking at me helplessly: can I have some of your bananner chips? 🥺👉👈

I think if you’re a top you should get a government stipend to keep an anxious socially awkward art bottom in a dog cage at home so they can focus on producing the most beautiful degenerate pornography the mind can imagine

lol man the ram crisis is funny because last year I built a pc before the ai gfx card hype and for poops and giggles I through in like 96gb of ram and now I look like a genius

I’m not joking when I tell you modern data driven marketing companies want to use AI to build a totally insular media and internet ecosystem to trap you in where they control almost all facets of culture and they just use it to sell you bullshit nonstop at all times

No but really Sony make something with a screen the size of an iPhone pro max and just add ps controls on either side and I will buy it I’m not joking I want it so bad

Monster Humper

can americans learn to love breakfast in bed and a handjob

Monster Hunter but it’s about fucking monsters

Robot girl this robot girl that bitch just admit your kink is autistic women

It worked

Air frying potatoes to see if I can lure bestie away from her computer using smells alone

Gotta say having an open floor plan and an Apple TV is goated because I can be doing girl dinner on my kitchen island and not have to stop to put my shows on

Christmas came early for that mens fashion guy

Watching bestie eat a bag of pistachios on the couch in much the same way I imagine our ancestors would eat nuts in the trees

Me: if I dice up and air fry these leftover potatoes will you eat them? Bestie: you’re so sexy right now

Bestie at midnight: can you show and help me how to get a duvet cover on the fast way you do it in like 2 minutes not like when it takes me like 40 🥺😢

Bestie at midnight: can you show and help me how to get a duvet cover on the fast way you do it in like 2 minutes not like when it takes me like 40 🥺😢

Watching bestie eat a bag of pistachios on the couch in much the same way I imagine our ancestors would eat nuts in the trees

Bestie sits in her couch nest, eating an entire bowl of popcorn with one hand and playing MTG on her iPad with the other

It is now 10:20 and bestie in a gobliny little fervor has begun microwaving popcorn

It’s 8:30pm bestie has been smoking weed for 2 hours, her tummy grumbles so loud I can hear it, she bolts upright and scuttles her way into the kitchen where her victim, a juicy ripe mango she bought at the store today awaits

Bestie trying not to die laughing every time Michael Cera speaks in Phoenician Scheme

It is hilarious that the fast and the furious movies made more of a cultural impact than any of the James Cameron avatar films

Me: if I dice up and air fry these leftover potatoes will you eat them? Bestie: you’re so sexy right now

Bestie: my entire life I thought I had silly little guy syndrome but no one told me silly little guy syndrome was just AuADHD

Instacart shopper is a middle aged woman truly the gods have smiled upon me today

Bestie really just thinks all problems are 3d printer problems now She keeps making modular storage for everything in our apartment

Bestie interrupting me: it is I your most glorious best friend come to share with you an artisanal crafted weird thought, reject me in this moment you are a monster and betrayer Me interrupting bestie: hey I have a thing to show you Bestie: I will fucking kill you I was in the middle of something

Wait noticed it did Jake Paul get punched in the face but Andrew Tate did too? Solid weekend ngl

Bestie: if we filled a dump truck with bikinis we made out of Chinese dumplings would we have one ton of wanton wonton bikinis? Me trying to eat dinner: what the fuck are you talking about?

Bestie eyes red as the devil: what are we doing for Christmas Halloween Day?

I just realized there were 4 mangos in a bowl on the kitchen counter last night and there are none today

Bestie: why does the room suddenly fell different?

Rearranged the living room in total silence, bestie is going to be so confused when she leaves the gaming room

Sox fans vindicated for everything they ever thought about the Chicago cubs

Polyamorous people be like we’re so much healthier and better than you like they didn’t spend 20 minutes crying in the shower yesterday because they remembered something devastating their father send to them as a child

Polyamory is for people who get aroused in SCRUMM meetings