Fuck foldy phones I want a foldy kindle

Me: you wanna watch your gay Satan cartoon? Bestie comes sprinting out of the gaming room and puts hazbin hotel on

I think we should take all the guardrails off AI if you're dumb enough to go insane because the magic rocks we inscribed runes into and powered with pixies harvested from steam talked pretty words at you then you weren't meant to make it to the sci-fi future

you can tell how done with a gig based on how unprofessionally I dress, if I show up in sneakers and sweatpants just assume I hate you and have hit you with every penalty in the book

Legally cops can’t arrest you for drunk driving if you have a Wisconsin drivers license

Delectable Immaterialism, live deliciously

Ngl I thought he was gonna say “and live from New York it’s Saturday night!”

Putting your submissive on a PiP

Bestie: technically a doujin doesn’t have to be porn Me: it’s all porn Bestie: I mean technically anything on AO3 could be considered a doujin Me: yes and everything on there is porn you’re not helping your case

For a bunch of guys who worship the art of war I don’t think any of them have actually read it sun tzu was pretty cut and dry about feeding your troops

Linux is for people who setting up the computer to be just right is the only part of computers they’re interested in

Bestie must be recovering well from being sick seeing as a man with Culver’s just buzzed into my building

Sitting padmasana in a folding chair at work to stunt on the old men I work with

Bestie: I’ve been sick all day I just woke up Me: aww sorry I’m working late tonight you should probably order takeout Bestie: I only crave fruit Me: we have Instacart dummy *my phone displays a notification that bestie has started a new Instacart order*

A leather bar and bbq joint combo called Spit Roast and Spit Roasts

Tradhusband/tradwife power couples inadvertently stack overflow into rockabilly

The only Irishman on the crew brought in what he told us was an extremely spicy mustard and challenged us to eat it with a pretzel and see how long we could go before we tapped out The rest of the crew, largely people of color and degenerate hot sauce heads then proceeded to gleefully eat all of it

They call her The Coastline cause her dick is shrinking year after year

Watching the union bros all huddled over a phone crying at the current bears game

When a guy passes out at a party and the EMTs have to wheel him out and then the do plays the only chumbawumba song that is deeply inappropriate for the situation

Bestie two tequilas deep with a plate of brisket and mac and cheese: 😀🥹

A second tequila has hit the bestie

Bestie at boob height when I’m in 4in heels: 👉👈🥹

Bestie looking like my little pet butch today on the way to this event

God I look so hot right now it’s unreal

Saw is unrealistic no one has that much will to live

Was out drinking with the union bros and the former marine while drinking a glass of red wine at a dive bar called one of the engineers an otter

This right here, this that good shit, skin so soft you won’t know what to do with yourself

after you date 2 messy haired boys who write poetry and play guitar you're allowed to hate the entire cohort tho, those guys all suck

Another week of learning how to animate! This shits too fun

Bestie angrily: that’s it? Everyone said it was so scary

Tonight bestie watching the original Ringu

Me: the Chinese place threw in free Hong Kong style chicken wings Bestie midway into putting her pajama on: yeassssss this is the greatest day ever

Bestie consulting the weed oracle before we order Chinese takeout

God that one day in your cycle where you’re just like in fucking heat for no fucking reason lord help me

Isn’t this what Eunuchs were?

God I want a hot pink switchblade so bad

i read this like robert de niro delivering the heat line from “Heat” (1995)

Does anyone else ever see those bricks of feta cheese in the deli and get the urge to buy one and eat it whole like you’re a low poly video game character? Or is it just me?

Bestie sound asleep Me whispering: don’t wanna get breakfast at the diner? Bestie immediately opens her eyes and coos softly: when?

Bestie sound asleep Me whispering: don’t wanna get breakfast at the diner? Bestie immediately opens her eyes and coos softly: when?

Watching a 35 year old union bro call a 45 year old union bro “babydoll”

Nothing quite like drinking with da union after a long week

I’m sorry why does it need to look like an Eldritch artifact?

So I’m just gonna be horny all day today huh?

I am truly gods favorite, lost 10lbs ass stayed the same size

Bestie: I get so many memes and references now

Tonight bestie watches the shining for the first time

I was wondering why I was getting slightly turned on at work and then I realized my necklace was choking me a little

I was wondering why I was getting slightly turned on at work and then I realized my necklace was choking me a little