getting *two* cuck chairs so that we can both watch someone else have sex in our bed so that we don't have to

evil is when people disagree with me specifically

real guy who meets all acts of genuine kindness with eye rolls, scoffs and comments on how "that's only the bare minimum"

GOD: behold! i have made the first ontologically evil ape! ANGEL: eww, gross. why is it hairless? GOD: shut up, Gabe. at least i didn't put a duckbill on it this time

any liquid is lube if you just hate science enough

MY PSYCHOLOGIST, LOCKING THE DOOR TO THEIR OFFICE: tell me, squat; do you believe in nominative determinism? ME: what do you mean, Dr. Murderpsycho?

"i do believe in money! i do! i do!" the Economy Understander sobs into his Bespoke Bored Ape NFT Nappy™ as he reads about Elon Musk getting a pay package worth a Zambinillion dollars

i may be a badass but i would NEVER be rude to a police officer!

what's your favourite number to see on a digital watch mine is 23:23

for the past year and a half i have been running a vendetta on Facebook against the dog groomer that refused to book me in for an hour of combing my hair and calling me a good little doggo

saw my neighbour out working. told me he was installing an 'overton window'. asked him why there was so much space on the right side. he said it's a feature in case he needed to move it. asked him if he shouldn't leave some space on the left as well and then he said no and sexually harassed my wife

for sale: baby catapult, rarely fired

shakira law Shakira law new yoek Shakira law alimony new york Shakira law make children call parents

man can you imagine getting owned in public as a day job?

Deep Blue Pee

real guy who uses "socialist" as a slur and doesn't understand why everyone else goes 'whoopeee' whenever they say it

lmao look at how flammable this bridge is. soft, weak bridge. loser bridge. beta bridge. get burnt, dummy. anyone got a boat i can borrow?

you wouldn't download a hot single dad in your area

Tyrannosaurus Sex

*Judge Doom dips a cartoon shoe in paint solvent* LT. SANTINO THE NEOREACTIONARY: see that would never happen to me because i would never break a law

they're never gonna call a train to take us to Horny Jail. they can't. because we're already there. *this* is Horny Jail.

using AI to tell me exactly how using AI for research actually does adhere to the scientific method 👍

on a first name basis with ChatGPT

why use Tinder when you can use echolocation

i would never compare apples and oranges because i am allergic to apples, unlike oranges, who i am not allergic to

Pronouncing volcanoes like canoes

pronouncing males and females in a way that rhymes with tamales

"DARK INTELLECTUAL": let me introduce one of the foremost thinkers of our age *KERMIT THE FROG VOICE* i am so afraid of dragons

'Andy Warhol NFT collection'

when talking about long-dead celebrities we need to appreciate the fact that we're spared from such sentences as "Frank Sinatra the manosphere grifter" or "Elvis Presley sidemen collab"

when i was young we didn't know what twerking was. everyone wore pants so high and baggy most people werent sure if their asses began between the shoulder blades

Keir Starmer came in third place in a mediocrity competition

i don't understand what you're all complaining about everything i have ever voted for has come into fruition

everyone is beautiful in the eyes of god except for Jeremy with the weird nipples

i thought there was something wrong with weird this play-doh, it smells. turns out it's just from this off-brand i've never heard of called "brie"

what's wrong, honey? are you still mad that i got us cursed to one hundred years under the mast?

i was thrown off my pub quiz team, all over the fact that Austrian-born actor Daniel de Vito won an oscar for his role as Grover Cleveland in the historical drama Animal House (1983) unfortunately there is no way to verify this but i know i'm right

the only thing that can stop a bad guy urinating in public is a good guy urinating in public

the political spectrum is very simple. it goes from reddy to fashy and that's it. therefore is okay for me to bomb villages in countries my constituents haven't heard of because according to polsci i am in the middle

welcome to the angry cunnilingus machine. towels are on the wall

sorry for barfing i was very nervous

every night we are building up the sauce only to slurp it down the next day

lentil gummies

this is inevitable which is why we're leaning into it

Mr. Hiccup had crippling alcoholism

humbly returning to my regular old 2 like average after having a single post pop off i am the Modern Day Cincinnatus

"but *I* would be working MORE than 40 hours a week! i want to!" i scream at the cashier in the Tesco, after reading another post about a four day work week

Roland Barthes' Death of the Author refers to how Roland Barthes, the author, died in a traffic collision

i hear your political point of view and i understand that you wish to make a Better World, but have you considered the fact that i Am A Psychopath?

what the fuck does THIS mean