If you celebrated Veterans Day today, you owe me money $XXXShakespeare

Did I just drop $100+ on pieces for a really dumb cosplay that literally none of my friends are going to get? No one has ever accused me of being “too” smart.

Know that if I ever respond to your post with just your name, I’m doing it with the same energy that Bob Belcher says “Gene.”

Fun Halloween Fact: A bunch of vampires all fucking the same person is called a Fangbang.

I’m sad and yall should send money just because I said so $XXXShakespeare

I know bimboification is a kink, but what about himboification? Because do that to me.

All alone in my bed tonight so it’s just me, One Piece, and this jug of apple juice I drank in the time it took me to make this post. I don’t have depression, YOU have depression.

Happy October! Everyone break out your favorite Halloween playlists featuring songs about dancing monsters, a team of plucky ghost hunters, and horrors of British occupation of Ireland

Clippy popping up on my laptop: It looks like you’re jorking your peanits, would you like some help with that?

Thinking about that time I took my partner to dinner after having sex and she said “Hell yeah, we made the mac n cheese noises, now we get to have actual mac n cheese.” Love is real

Don’t you hate it when you’re watching porn and someone comes up behind you and starts commenting on it? Like, sir, I’m just waiting on my pumpkin spice latte like everyone else in this Starbucks, please leave me alone.

Oops I accidentally trimmed too much of the beard and I suddenly look like I’m in my 30’s again.

I remember being but a young buck, a school-aged boy when people would ask me “What do you want to do when you grow up?” and I always gave the same answer. Today, I finally proved I could do it, and I conquered my dream. “When I grow up, I wanna get way too high and make the best chili ever lmao”

Me: Alright Shake, you’re in your 30’s now. Time to start acting like it. Also me:

Lord help me I’m on my opera-singing bullshit again

It’s absolute dogshit that I sweat as much as I do every day and still can’t shed this water weight. Fucking hell.

Broke: Calling her “the ol’ ball and chain.” Woke: Calling her “the ol’ cock and cage.”

SEX WORKERS - do you have mutuals with this creep? Chris Alvino is a piece of shit PUA telling incels to go to strip clubs and try to pick up dancers for free sex. He uses proximity to SWers to establish credibility as a "coach" and access vulnerable women. Please warn any mutuals you have with him.

God Peacemaker is so fucking good

Yee haw

Well, unfortunately, FetCon is a bit of a bust due to illness. But in a couple days I’ll be back and ready to fire on all cylinders! Let’s book something!

Her: One of the the things I really like about you is how mature you are! Me, internally: Hey Siri, how long into a relationship should I wait until I fart in front of my new partner?

I know it's been a minute since I uploaded on here, but the always-wonderful @venusrisingxxx.bsky.social and I made a VERY hot video together and I couldn't resist sharing a teaser with the world. You know where to find the full thing.

Having worked as a wedding singer, I think I should expand and start working as a divorce singer. Hire me to sing “Nothing Compares 2 U” while you both sign the papers while you try to win them back, or “You Oughta Know” to really twist the knife.

Back in LA, with a fresh test! Let’s fucking goooo

In Vegas safe and sound! Who’s ready to party? 👀

in the Crackered Barrel. straight up “shucking it.” and it by “it”, haha, well. let’s justr say. My peanuts.

I am apparently only capable of like, 2 angles when taking selfies. #avnhouseparty

I love pro wrestling because what other “sport” has its athletes beating the ever living shit out of each other on late night tv?

VEGAS! I’m coming to you this weekend, and I’m tested and ready to shoot! I’ve still got a few spots open, but don’t wait!

Currently planning on going to my first ever FetishCon. Who should I be on the lookout for? 👀

I’ll be in Vegas on the 21st-22nd, tested, and available for shooting! Message me if you’re interested.

Ummmm, it’s called fashion, sweaty. Look it up.

I fucked for like, 3 hours straight last night and now my back hurts. 🥲

My partner fell asleep so I put on a 12hr loop of fart sounds for her to wake up to. I am 32 years old.

Idk man

Between the George Harrison movie coming out and A Complete Unknown, we’re 2/5th’s of the way to realizing the Traveling Wilburys Cinematic Universe.

Berserk 4Kids dub send tweet

Sometimes I love having a really, REALLY deep voice. 😏

File your fucking taxes

Sometimes I feel sexy. Y’all like dad bod?

Y’all I’m at a coffee shop in Beverly Hills and everyone here is SO bougie. I’m just sitting here in a D&D shirt and basketball shorts looking like poverty goblin. 🥲

Happy Foreskin Day everyone! Or, as a lot of men will call it, “Sevenandahalfskin”

Do any Cali people know of good employment lawyers they can recommend?

🩵🩷🤍🩷🩵

Good news everyone! I’ve been struck by inspiration and started writing music again! The bad news is that it’s country. I’m not sorry.

I fucked so hard/much I think I threw my back out last night. Neat.

good morning, say it back (⁠◕⁠ᴗ⁠◕⁠✿⁠)

Flavored condoms, but instead of chocolate or banana, it’s jalapeño poppers and cheesy ham croissant.

“What are we, some kinda Reservoir Dogs?” - Steve Buscemi if I wrote Reservoir Dogs and made it way better.