Tried to show my mom Homestar Runner but she got mad when Strongbad said “friggin”

I had a friend in middle and high school named Michael whose catchphrase was “I’m thick, I’m rich, and I’m wet”

Must turd on the beat hoe!

Forgot that i needed a new job with a pay bump just to stay afloat and not because i was going to pocket a ton of extra cash

Cities Parking Shortage Could Be Solved If Everyone Just Pulls Up A Little, Experts Say

They’re just putting anything on a shirt

Played too much Cocteau Twins around the house now my sons first words were gabeh fornu

Everyone who saw a leprechaun say yeah!

I got five glicks stewing in the goop

*talking to a sober person* Yeah my favorite NA bar around here is probably smoothie king.

Fearful in Philly i got jawndice

To an infant, the whole world is a cajon

She/they at this party also has a Pink Moon tattoo but i can’t bond over it because mine is positioned in such a way i have to pull my pants down to share it

I’d coach Ray Davies just to work out the Kinks…

P__p_d thr_c_ t_d_y Would you like to buy a vowel?

The family who lives below me can probably hear me belch

Bow before me for I am your Thanksgiv-King!

Ten years old i was doing cybersex on runescape

How to get job interviews with anything other than those bullshit boutique marketing agencies

More and more i feel like some bug or some low vibrating frequency in a world that does not acknowledge me

Inchoate presentiment

@kteeth.bsky.social is this a Royden sticker in the season three premier of criminal minds?

Ya totally!

This poor girl i graduated with is 30 playing a seven band bill house show… girl move on

A bar that only plays krautrock would be dope

Yo Superman.. .. Yo Judge Yo mom and dad

I know complaining don’t help but i still do it!

Aunt gave us a baby blanket so good i had to momentarily forget her politics

Comedy writer is a fake job

Just occurred to me after 18 years that I can look up the lyrics to A-Punk to understand what that guy is saying.

Criminal Minds seems like such a sad show

AMAs last night were propaganda slop

What if instead of Handmaids Tale it was Bandmaids Tale and you just had a woman in your house to do money spreads

Wazzzzzaapppp

You’re crazy if you think I’m not gonna climb on this billboard once this summer

My name in emojis 🐈🫀🦝🧊🦢🎫🧊🧮🍥

Man my friends dog died and another job rejection today. Am taking hits.

During lockdown I did some petty graffiti around town but never went back to the spots I tagged so idk if they’re still there

It’s 9/11s half birthday

I can still crush a bottle of wine

It’s a long life, better pinch yourself

Riverwards asking for a cover letter for a cashier job get bent

If there’s one thing imma do 👆 it’s lose my AirPods in the couch cushions every day i use them

Maybe it’s cause i took an edible, but i just watched the Sopranos season 3 episode 1 and 2 and it’s like the show turned a corner. Those two episodes were special.

You can’t hear the rain from my apartment. I think that’s sad.

Drinking BEERS tomorrow 😈😈😈😈😈

I’ve seen two people “could have been me” the DC plane crash

What if Weather Underground came back

They got pornbots on here now!!