"if I pronounce a word wrong, it's because I learned it by reading," I say through tears as my wife's step son roundly mocks me for saying "The Wizard of Ounce"

Oh I'm sure

Overheard at a bar Guy, flirting: all you gotta do is make a roux, a- Woman, drunk: I'm not gonna make a fucking roux ok

For a guy supposedly called my "brother" I've never seen him make broth even once

Overheard: a woman telling her dog "no, no no no, we don't eat gummy worms. You are not a gummy bird"

Me: hey windows can you delete this file please Windows: you got it, j-... omg there's actually a program using it right now Me: omg who 😳 Windows: omg I can't say 🫣

If you're ever in a situation where someone is asking for advice and you don't know what to say, just give a piece of unrelated advice and hope they take it as a metaphor "Man if your car starts sliding, just make sure the wheels are pointed in the direction you're going"

Boyfriend: *Owen Wilson voice* wow Girlfriend: *Jennifer Coolidge voice* wow

Boyfriend: *Owen Wilson voice* wow Girlfriend: *Jennifer Coolidge voice* wow

Came up with the phrase "another feather in my dunce cap". Now I just need to wait until I do something stupid. Shouldn't be long now

*billionaire explaining hard work* imagine standing for 2 hours

Da Vinci assigned to uncle Kyle for Calm Down Time

"Take pronouns out of your email signature, just use the obvious ones" - someone who has never emailed anyone named Taylor

Me: why should I use your dish soap Dawn: look how good it cleans this duck Me: ok well how does it do on dishes? Dawn: again, I can't stress enough how clean this duck is

If a dog wore sandals, they'd probably be Bark-enstocks lol :) Every day it gets harder and harder to get out of bed

The moniker "Mister President" is deeply funny to me. Very 5-year-old coded. Like saying Mister Doctor

You guys hear about the election over here? Crazy stuff

There's a bit of sadness when you're at a restaurant and the food isn't delivered by Your Server. "and who ordered the Alfredo?" You don't know us at all. Jenny would know. Jenny would know who ordered the Alfredo.

Me: I'm sick can you take my shift? Coworker: sure thing me; thank you so much1

They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan "make every flight a red eye". This would make approximately 600 billion dollars

Honestly, I’ve been laughing since yesterday at this.

The difference between cows and cattle is that a cow wont use a litter box, but a cat'll

[first day at Domino's] Manager: oh and one more thing: don't fuck the pizzas Me: haha Asst Manager: seriously, don't fuck them Cook: dont fuck the pizzas dude Me: I'm n- Customer: that guy's not gonna fuck my pizza is he? Manager: not if he wants to keep his job he wont.

I "graduated" handler training at the raptor center and they gave me a falconer glove keychain, which is amazing, but also I love imagining a little imp or a gnomey feller using it to handle like a hummingbird or somethin

Photoshopping in a blue check that I don't have on a screenshot of my to get more engagement on your instagram is weird as fuck

I give them permission to do all this actually. They can also spit in my mouth and tell me I need to work harder if I want mommy's approval

Feels like these days everyone wants to shit but no one wants to wipe. This is, society

I don't think this place is for you friendo

So far everything here seems all well and good but I'm really wishing there was some way I could pay 8 dollars for this. Anyone looking into this?