Republicans don’t have enough gas money to drive off a cliff, and are blaming the democrats for not getting in the car and kicking in.

They’re waiting to announce his death officially until St Peter finishes reading off his list of sins

They’re waiting to announce his death officially until Stephen Miller stops having a Jeremy Piven style meltdown

They’re waiting to announce his death officially until they notify the family, and nobody can find Eric’s number

Trump suggests renaming the Kennedy Center the Trump Center. If this happens, it would be the performance space most frequently named in the Epstein report

If your 2025 bingo card had Pamela Anderson hooking up with Darkman, and preaching David Lynch from the Criterion closet, the font in that square must’ve been tiny.

My house is haunted by James Randi, but every time I get my camera out he hides. Cheap bastard!

I made the mistake of telling my fitness tracker my goals and now it keeps thinking I’m going to try

Media shocked that public didn’t overwhelmingly support media backed ladder grabbing centrist. Film at eleven.

The hot toy this Christmas is going to be a remote control squeaky tank

Someone left a KKK out in the rain

Holding Fyre Fest in DC this time didn’t help

Had an idea for a writing prompt. Play wordle or a similar game. Then take the words you used and figure out a situation that uses them all.

It’s weird seeing people now saying “this isn’t what I voted for,” because it’s what I voted against

The grammar of truth is at play right now. The government and press can truthfully say the LA protests escalated to violence. They will just leave out who escalated it if advancing the government’s position

Things my cat does on catnip: Sniff my eyebrows Fight my box of Addams Family Cereal Convince me we have a ghost

Lay down to take a nap. Mind wanders. Figure out the intentionally overcomplex structure for a script that’s been all loose ideas until now. Clotheslines strung, just need to start hanging all the gags on them and start smoothing out the bumps. After that nap.

After a long session of insomnia stretching I laid down and felt so relaxed I actually said “oh my gosh”

Trump in 2015: We’re gonna drain the swamp! His health secretary in 2025: Swamp’s fine, jump on in!

When you wake up in the middle of the night with a weird taste in your mouth, but you don’t want to make too much noise with your electric toothbrush. But then you remember that if you don’t hit the button it’s still a toothbrush.

There’s always talk of one hit wonders, sometimes a novelty song and sometimes just far from their best work, a gateway single. But what about groups or artists who most people can name 5 or more songs even if they weren’t hits? Whattaya got?

DJT is the worst parts of Lex Luthor and Booster Gold

It’s weird when you go to scream into the void and you get there and it’s already screaming back everything you’re thinking. Me too, void. Me too.

If the SAVE act passes, married women may want to consider reverting back to their maiden names (where applicable) so it matches your birth certificate, so you retain the ability to vote. If your husband refuses, consider divorce.

If Trump is such a good golfer, they should totally broadcast these tournaments he’s in so we can see the master at work. Live and uncut

Ryan Murphy just started work on a Weezer miniseries

What if we’re in the smartest timeline and the Watchers are like “holy shit they got to the moon then just ate it”?

A couple showed up to karaoke dressed like Romy & Michelle. Wasn’t 100% but had to ask. Intentional from a costume party. Fantastic

We're watching a bunch of guys who were born on third base strip the copper wiring out of the ballpark.

The Pringles Hot Ones Verde aren’t overly complex. But at 2am exactly the blend of heat and flavor I needed

The Benjamin Button musical closed on the West End in October of last year. So far it looks like its opening has been pushed at least until August if you plan on seeing it.

Watched a very interesting video about fun ways to play with shutter speed, but the number one takeaway from one of his shots is that there’s a Roy Rogers just next to Grand Central Station

Not to brag but it’s hard to find a better hide & seek player than me

For April Fools, Trump is going to call Eric from his cell phone, let it ring once, then hang up and block and delete the number. Well, he’ll have someone do it, anyway.

The animatronic Trump in the Hall of Presidents is demanding all of It’s a Small World be rounded up and held in Tomorrowland. The staff at Frontier Land has been cut in half and tasked with converting all the rides throughout the park to wooden roller coasters.

As a fan of actual dark comedy, I think it’s a shame how often the term is applied to snide drama. Having a distaste for your characters is not the same as a bleak satire.

I feel like if the Ferengi had an Invader Zim it would be Trump

The greatest show in the history of television will be the one whose opening credits sequence is over the full length version of Black No 1 by Type O Negative. I don’t care what the show is about.

A writing tip: never tell the whole story. Leave gaps and allusions when the characters’ actions are clear enough. The audience will have something inside them to fill in the gars and connect.

@aoc.bsky.social please just start another party.

Is Van Morrison the Irish Jimmy Buffett?

Almost cut from a slow gig early enough to avoid load out in the approaching storm. Group comes in and asks to wait so they can do one. They pick “Can You Stand the Rain”. I think I’m being trolled

I don’t know why but Jonathan Richman has apparently got a beef with me, based on several nights

“They just drew an artificial line through it” sounds like someone dangerously close to understanding what borders are, and what gerrymandering is while we’re at it

Had an idea for how to update Gilligan’s Island and spent way too much insomnia on it. But I really like a lot of it

Saw a car today in traffic, relatively new Saab, white, but with bold heart stickers all over it. Then I noticed 5 were over bullet holes in one side. After some internal jokes I realized they took that shit then chose to cover it with love. Baltimore may be rough sometimes but it’s great about it

Paid protesters are actually people who have lost their supposedly secure government jobs

It’s interesting how popular upkeep games are, where every so often you log in and take care of basic tasks before you can do the fun new things. That game for me is opening my email and clearing out spam and marketing emails before I can find anything someone sent me personally

Something I’m experimenting with when I’m writing and need music for tone but dont want to be distracted- pick a genre and a foreign language. 70s soul Japan, French 90s grunge. It’s much harder to get pulled in and you might find something cool

I tried reading the dictionary once. At first I thought it was just heavy on exposition. Then I got to “dictionary”. They should really put that word up front so you know what you’re in for.