TIL: ever notice the door handle at dunkin’ donuts is shaped like a ‘D’? it’s because the D stands for “Drinks (are served here)”

before he died, i asked my grandfather to share one piece of life advice with me. i’ll always remember what he said

[moments before pulling the trigger] you’ve read your last complimentary article

made up a really annoying old person and wrote him for the new yorker. please enjoy

[carefully turning the safe’s combination lock as i listen with a stethoscope, eventually shaking my head] this person is really sick

made a little word puzzle. you’re a mailman who has to figure out which letter goes to which apartment

[in the criterion office’s pantry closet] oh, oranges. big fan of oranges. a clif bar…yes, there it is, 8 grams of protein — i’m definitely taking this. ah [i steeple my fingers] triscuits

[slipping the meteorologist a twenty] sure would be nice if tomorrow was partly cloudy

my buddy spent a semester abroad working at a nursery and came back with a baby accent

german oceanographers named this “The American Mediterranean Sea” and nobody will recognize it. everybody has said “stop, that’s not what that’s called”

aptly named after the pioneering explorer who sailed the world, the Magellan 9800i — the latest in self-checkout technology — “sails” through your items to unlock a “world” of convenience