As one of those kids raised by their grandparents, I thought until I was 18 that the single most erotic thing a man could do was wear a pair of shorts below his navel. Turns out I was wrong. This is my story…

I guess it’s bed time?

This was supposed to be an adorable pic of my dogs frolicking by our blossom tree out back - I just haven’t cleaned any pollen from windows this summer but if you squint and use your imagination you’ll see it’s really cute! 🥰

Have y’all met my friend’s cat? His name is Gomez. He doesn’t really know he’s a cat he acts like a dog and he’s a lil bit special but we love him

Just got a little mullet cut in, it’s giving rat tail 🐀

I’m dog-sitting a dog, that likes to sleep 24 hours a day. The last elderly dog I looked after died of an aneurysm in my care, the day they were due back, so needless so say I am constant ball of anxiety checking she is still breathing every 5 mins. I don’t want to get a name as a dog murderer 😭

Was going through my camera roll and found a pic of when they gave me a weed gummy and a baby at a Eurovision party. 🥴

My favourite part of Glasgow’s southside neighbourhood is the fact there is a gay-married, Romanian couple from Transylvania who own a Romanian shop/deli that they decorate every season but go all out for Hallowe’en 🎃 They may or not be vampires…

I’ve just purchased theee most ridiculous ensemble for my flight to China - is it a serve? Is it giving The Royal Tenenbaums? I unironically love it but I do need to be hyped up on my choice

No offence but mine would have run clear 💅🏻

Powdered sugar… on a pizza?! I can’t. What is the deal with Korea putting sugar in literally everything, like they’re a Tudor monarch. I don’t get it.

Not JUST a dog cage, can also be your side table.

Is it just me or did the new pope kind of just drop off… like total flop.

Noooo Michael Alexandrovitch, don’t get killed by the Bolsheviks you’re so sexy.

Today is my birthday, at 35 does this make me officially middle-aged? 🥴

Perhaps I’ve lived a sheltered life but I have never seen an onion of this size. 🫨

They need to be playing the K-pop demon hunters soundtrack at the club.

Well they kept this law quiet?!? I wake up now I can’t watch porn without scanning my face?! I tried it and they said I was too young and youthful looking?!? My secret Twitter is feedless. What the hell am I gonna do now. Read a book? Knit?!

We used to send them down asbestos mines at the age of 6. I don’t think we cared about the bobbin mills mangling their hormones and making them trans back in the day, the children clearly yearn for toxic chemicals and dangerous places we should just let them live. 🤷🏼‍♂️

So I am currently dog sitting for my father in his very beige house with large tv. The dogs are both 16 year old & who refuse to die. One needs an injection of insulin into their neck fat twice a day & the other takes 30mg of a gabapentin in a slice of ham. Also…what does gabapentin do to a human?

Giving fainting southern belle on this non-airconditioned bus. I do declare!

Wait, should I? 🤭

There’s a heatwave, I’m hot I’m sweaty, I stepped on my raybans I’ve had a Vietnamese coffee and I might die. Pray 4 me.

I always know when it’s time to re-fill my anti-depressant prescription because I start to feel the need for the touch of a man then TikTok starts showing me videos of men at Middle Eastern weddings doing the dabke on a loop

So my taste in men hasn’t changed since I was 5. If you look like this, hit me up.

I love Scotland because it’s mid-June and here I am wearing a cable knit woolen jumper, a duffle coat and a scarf.

TINTIN?!? 😭 why am I not shocked.

I’d like to report a crime. ROBBERY in broad daylight.

I can assure you fortune cookie, I don’t, and this is not what I needed to hear right now. 😭

This last episode, nay - series could have been an email. With the exception of episode 9. It’s almost on Game of Thrones level of bad in terms of quality, writing, plot holes, loose-ends and just general dissatisfaction. Anti-climatic in the extreme. Under his eye. 😭

Nobody needs to know this but I was taking an everything shower and this came on and I was splashing around and feeling myself. 💦 DARK CHILD 🔊🗣️

The fucking neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeckkkk!This is extremely Theresa May behaviour from the government to be honest, which again isn’t surprising but this will only work in kneecaps favour, what a WASTE though of U.K taxpayer funds while the economy crumbles and everything is slashed to ruins. Good one 👍🏼

What is the Mexican navy practicing for in this 1492 ass sail ship? Overthrowing Tenochtitlan?!

Did I just book a trip to China for the first time? 🤭

American Capitalism is such an insane disease. 200 years of indoctrination and all those generations ago you were told your dream is to be RICH So much so that you see yourself as not “poor” but pre-rich, you don’t want nothing messing with the future if hurts you rich even tho u poor in the PRESENT

Do you ever see videos of trans men/women with their transformations after ___ period on testosterone/oestrogen and just think like, “damn maybe they should be dosing us ALL with our appropriate hormone” Coz, 35 and my beard still patchy…

Does anyone else think that giving oral sex isn’t for the receiver? I’m doing this for me. Like yes, I’m doing a good job, but also, hands off. The mic is mine, this performance and set list isn’t decided by you. YOU get the show I give.

*touches your circumcision scar* Stop? For me? 🥹

These local U.K elections have been such so sickening watching Reform gain any form of traction. Back home in Berlin, I volunteered weekends during the height of the Syrian civil war, as a translator for refugees arriving after the most horrific journey to safety. If you could have seen and heard /1

Did I head into town to buy a Labubu? Why yes, but people had been queuing since 7am and they were all sold out 😭

My chin big. It’s all big hmu

When I was a kid, my dad used to be able to move his lips like Elvis, pretending an invisible string was pulling them from each side. I loved it so much. Today I have the same reaction when a man can make his titties jump up & down, is this daddy issues? Anyway, show me in the comments if you can 🥵

Been listening to this while working. It has everything, scheming, eunuchs, political intrigue, bad bitches… what an icon.

I get Kirsten Dunst because the way I would bounce on Jesse Plemmons, it’s a ride that he would not survive.

If June Osborne has no haters I am dead. This is now a Janine Stan account.

Just popped into the pub and there’s a large group of Italians and they’ve ordered pie and beans and a crisp sandwich and they’re all oohing and ahhing over it. 😭