this is perfect opportunity for creative types. wish i was one in this instance

woulda got this with one guess

if ai chatbots actually help you, your problems are that of an infant

I’d like to say thanks to everyone for believing in me and saying I could write a story where 4% of the words are some variation of “urine.”

There’s always that one Pharaoh that wants the biggest pyramid yet. Dude, they’re already pretty damn big.

People with bad taste will see something bad and be like “me likey” with their jaw on the floor, which is a perfect opportunity for tastemakers to keep the unrefined person’s mouth open with a stick, crawl into them, and become a parasite, leeching away nutrients and such.

I should make something that covers every single human life to ever be lived in painfully detail. Maybe a song, EDM probs

I begged my boss to give me the night shift at 7/11 because that’s when the pair of dapper geriatric gents who call themselves the “discount donut gropers” are asleep in their haystacks.

malcom gladwell is doing a book about people who are very bad at life

fml malcom gladwell just used me as a data point in his new book “guys who suck”

wearing a suit but acting nude in public (covering myself with leaves and yelping)

My Mysterious Milk Diet & You

Being a reader and a writer is a life sentence. We are all, in a sense, cellmates. To celebrate our union, our first issue, "Sentenced to Prison" is now live on the website. sentencedlit.com/te.15092025.... @plethodon.bsky.social @wordlelover.bsky.social

I have a resting bitch face, crazy eyes, dead fish handshake, beer belly, noodle arms, and two left feet. But, hey, at least I got that stanky leg.

i dont wanna contain multitudes anymore. i wanna have just two… a Jekyll and Hyde type thing. i wanna wake up and be like ugghhh who did i murder in the night?! and try to solve it and get bored and just eat tons of icecream that ill burn during my alter-egos killing spree. i would eat chips too

Hell, heaven, it don’t matter much, as long as my consciousness is eternal so I can design boardgames in my mind.

The swear “fuck” danced off my lips on the dawn of my 21st rotation around the sun. I know it was wrong but I was blackout drunk and mourning the loss of my child, which in retrospect was definitely punishment for me saying “crap” on my 18th, when I burned myself on a fag.

At kindergarten I would entertain my peers by reading aloud the colors of crayons and declaring “I’ve never heard of this fucking color in my entire damn life” for I did not know life is long, and many colors I saw as silly would become a staple in my adult life. Melon, salmon, orange — I am sorry.

message me immediately. i want to discuss something you don’t care about at all.

(looking at something that is good at best) that’s absolutely perfect.

do you think when dna mutates it smirks, knowing its being somewhat naughty?

Posting, to me, feels like going to the bathroom — a release — but when I go to flush and its all red and has creatures in it all calling me mommy. I rescue them but I have no idea how to care for them so they die and I have to bury them in shoeboxes I needed to keep my sneakers mint. tldr: it sucks

Straight people don’t know how to have gay sex good enough for my liking

Not me weakly coughing on my deathbed 🙄

My love, we may need to goomba stomp our newborn for they drop coins upon passing.

Goomba stomped my toddler until 3 gold coins emerged

Are you an expert on relationship and gender politics? Sadly, the paradigm just shifted again, and you need therapy. Try Political Therapy, by Gal Gore Chagall sentencedlit.com/ggc.01092025...

i always ask women bus drivers if they’d like me to stand up there with them and talk to them about my awesome day

fuck with me and its over for you. i will be crying to my large muscular sharpshooter dad. and he will tell me to grow up. and i will.

my friend is so strange it wouldnt phase me if he ceased to exist one day and i was the only one to remember him. i wouldnt mind it either

treating myself to an asshole bleaching on the top floor of the one world trade center

i know music from the beginning of podcasts

Freaky stuff man, I say, gesturing towards an attractive person.

Yeah, I’m 38, so what? Burp me, bitch.

Must read. My friend, Ernest Perfect, really expanded upon the human condition with this one.

You must check this out. If you can guess the story I wrote I will venmo you some spare change.

I FOUND A COIN! Goodnight. May I die in my sleep.

this sleepy town must have at least a couple coins floating around. gotta keep looking.

i need to find a coin before i go to bed. just one coin would do. please god, if you’re real, let me find one coin. i will believe in you if i find it. amen.

i want more coins. gotta start taking this looking for coins stuff more seriously

It’s 1:30 am and im looking for coins fml

shh. im looking for coins

My friend and I are convinced there's a bee outside

babe, please tell me you have an inner world, please

decided to not have depression anymore. shit was bumming me out

Is your refrigerator running? No? Dude, I’m so fucking sorry. That sounds like hell.

my best friend calls the hotline and fires a gun through a watermelon, for realism. I don’t understand the bit, as its the poison help hotline. Whatever. just wish he stopped doing it in my bathroom and lying, telling me he had an accident with his bloody pee, while the rinds fail to flush.

Trying to get my normal coworker fired so I can hopefully engage in more surreal absurdism at work. Nothings fucking worse than having to talk about what is real and exists