So I've been saying At-liens my entire life but it just randomly occurred to me that it's probably aye-tee-ell-iens because then the pun actually sounds like "aliens"

Every fucking email I got today:

Sorry for the Stranger Things spoiler but I have to talk about how sad I am that Smarf died. 😭

"Yeah she had long, curly hair aaaaaand.... Oh! She wore a jacket when it was cold." - guy who doesn't remember anything about a girl from the north country.

I don't want to hear any Steelers fans make fun of me going to Pirates games next season.

Just went on a road trip through a lot of rural areas and I'm thinking of trying Mail Pouch. Anyone have a review?

Getting reports that the pardons for the White House turkeys were signed with autopen.

2nd time this week I got it in 2 Wordle 1,617 2/6 ⬜⬜⬜🟨⬜ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Mentally I'm still here.

Murdering someone is so embarrassing for the murderer sometimes.

A worse crime than eating fish in the office is eating yogurt. Shit smells like feet gtfoh

Oh my gosh

Two guys who robbed a few houses in Winnetka escape and it's front page of the Chicago Sun-Times?

Everyone working on AI actors is not seeing the full picture. I'm working on creating the first AI nepobaby.

Holy crap. I'm looking at an old email I sent to the email brandusa@etc and I included the Salutation Dear Brandusa, like it was SOMEONE'S NAME. It's Brand USA.

Nobody sharing their Spotify Wrapped this year because they run ads for trump's brownshirts.

I've seen enough: Andy Richter is projected to win Dancing with the Stars

Well, you, Winsome, you lose some.

Every November 1st

Why didn't England try telling everyone the Epstein files don't exist and if they did Andrew's name is no where in them but the British equivalent of Bill Clinton's name is all over them?

The Democrats can stop the maga shutdown at any time by signing a shitty bill is like saying Ukraine can stop the war at any time by ceding all land to Russia... all the maga talking points look like this I guess. Legal immigrants can stop harassment by moving to countries they've never been to!

Semicolon on the phone with his friend: Yeah, I'm sure they'll stop the home keys at L. All letters makes more sense, I get it. I'd LOVE to work with Pinky though. Oh hang on got my agent's calling. Probably the bad news. Hello? Sure, I'm sitting down. Why?

Wordle 1,592 X/6 🟨⬜⬜⬜⬜ ⬜🟨🟨⬜⬜ 🟨🟩⬜⬜🟩 ⬜🟩🟩🟩🟩 ⬜🟩🟩🟩🟩 ⬜🟩🟩🟩🟩

Marlins guy at the #WorldSeries, explain yourself.

Really? I apologize I wasn't familiar with your game, Sir.

I hate to give him ideas but the fact that he's not selling official White House bricks is honestly shocking.

Merging at the Ft. Pitt tunnel

Just because they praise Hitler and espouse gas chambers in their group chats and display swastikas in their offices you call them Nazis? So much for the tolerant left.

Call your representatives, even if they are John Fetterman

Me trying to figure out where the exclamation point should go in my 3 sentence email

A racehorse: oh my God, I have to take such a regular piss

People love to give the mayor in JAWS shit, but I'd also like to nominate as worst public servant in movie history whoever should be enforcing the speed limit in Ludlow, Maine.

In "A Nightmare on My Street," The Fresh Prince is saved from Freddy's wrath when his alarm goes off. He then calls and wakes DJ Jazzy Jeff to warn him not to go to sleep. Jeff tells him it's 3 o'clock in the morning. Why did Will have his alarm set for 3AM?

Alfred Nobel. I met him, he's very woke. A very low IQ person. He wanted to come to Mar a Lago, I of course said no. A lot of people say he's past his prime.

You say you're cheap but are you "watch MLB playoffs on UniMas because you don't want to pay for TBS or HBO Max" cheap?

If antifa turns out to be a real organization and you guys didn't invite me, I'm going to be really upset.

He hasn't been seen in public since Tuesday and has no public events on the calendar today. Can we do another weekend of funny memes?

This was the best part of the movie

Everyone check your Signal chats, you may have gotten an invite to the generals meeting.

There's going to be a one-off Portlandia special about this, right?

A brimful of asha? In this economy?

You guys can stay in America I'm moving here

So they're just going to start shooting people and writing "I am a leftist" on the casings is that it?

In his UN address today trump will announce 6 more wars he has ended including: The Luxembourg/Angola scuffle, The Ecuador East-Ecuador West troubles, Drake / Kendrick, and Antarctica vs. All Y'all.

Everyone doing a victory lap for Jimmy Kimmel is getting ahead of themselves. This might just be the first show of a long goodbye like they're giving Colbert.

Boycotting Disney and instead we're taking the kids to Haboglabotribin'.

Hi I spend indiscriminately on impulse buys but for some reason never spend comparable amounts on things I've wanted for a long time. Why?

Kanopy could not have chosen a funnier picture for the Sports Cinema month banner. @pattonoswalt.bsky.social @kanopy.com

Damn Rudy really will do anything for trump. He was like "Take me instead, Lord!"