I'm in the new Happy Gilmore in case any of you wanna brag that you're buddies with a rising star in showbiz.

My old man, who's been moshing in the great pit in the sky for the last decade, must be stoked that Ozzy is finally headlining.

Went for a walk and then stopped into a bar for three beers. A walk and three beers cures all that ails me. I cannot muster a shred of existential dread in the wake of a walk and three beers.

Absolutely devastating day. Went to get my beloved chicken salad sandwich from 7-11 (it's good fuck you) only to discover it now has a sticker that says "New AND Improved" and of course it was not improved. It's so much worse. What's happening to this nation? This is the last straw.

I'm in a book club by the way

Today's book club dish prepared because of this line on page one of A SHORT WALK THROUGH A WIDE WORLD. (I couldn't find prawns so it's just shrimp. And it's not soybean paper, I got what I could get. Fuck you, it's close enough. Also, for anyone wondering, the book was aight I guess.)

Ok so we smell. www.sciencefocus.com/news/earth-t...

One thing being a landscaper has taught me is that perhaps the male loneliness epidemic is real, even if my particular group of buddies has managed to avoid it. Multiple times a day, a neighbor (not even a customer) will come out to offer me a water and beer & just wanna talk for like 10-15 minutes.

Happy Fourth. This is what being a landscaper is like when you have to set up a customer's bbq

NJ remains the leader in the "over everybody else's shit" clubhouse.

It's 100 fucking degrees and my fucking employee called out so I'm doing 15 fucking lawns by myself so if anybody has a pool and or a cold fucking beer let me know I will be by in a bit.

I stopped using Twitter but I hadn't actually deactivated my account. At some point I should do that but before I do I want to make sure, for posterity's sake, to preserve my favorite dumb bit that nobody liked.

Dude from a construction crew approached while I was finishin my last lawn of the day. "Can ya cut the house across the street we're workin on? It's real high." I look at it. 2 feet high. "Yea, when I'm done here. Just make sure there's no tools & shit in the lawn." You can guess what happens next.

Dropped off both my zero turns for new blades, oil changes, air filters, and spark plugs (plus one needed the deck re-leveled). Currently sitting outside the shop debating whether to go in and discover what I owe for the bill or to just change my name, dye my hair, and abscond.

(Respectfully) we haven't "spoken" fuckall. We can make this shit look as unpopular as we'd like but it's not slowing and we are absolutely fucked until actual heads start to roll* *figuratively** **hahahaha

I don't even have notifications for texts. It's a better life.

Nah, I woke up there after a particularly grueling bender and took some pretty wicked photos. My buddy Mike made enemies with the locals when he invented a Mercurian slur so we had to bounce real quick and I left my disposable camera behind (this was in 2002).

This is Livin' Landscapin' LLC is running a very special Friday the 13th Special! For an additional 50% payment on top of your weekly lawn fee, I will detach one of my mower blades and use it like a machete to murder your peskiest neighbor!

Had a dream last night in which I said the absolutely made-up idiom "you jerked off the dog at the orgy" (meaning—I think—"you did almost everything right but messed up one key detail") and, like, I and everyone else in the dream knew what it meant as if it was a totally common saying.

One of my employees (good kid, he's like 23) keeps calling out and I'm about 90% sure it's because he's hungover, which on one hand, come on dude you're fuckin me over, but on the other hand, hell yea brother glad you're gettin after it.

For anyone interested, I am just handy enough to build this about 70% as well for about 90% of the price

A point I've made (not that this is particularly insightful) is that ANYTIME you use a tool to make your life easier, you're sacrificing part of yourself. A lighter instead of a match, ChatGPT instead of a phone call. Same thing. It's up to us as individuals to draw the line. I drew mine long ago.

I'm sorry but this new Nuggets coach looks like a McPoyle

Unless you're an NBA team's 7th man known primarily for being an above average perimeter defender, there is no excuse for wearing a t-shirt under a tank top. Follow me for more free fashion advice.

They should just make a separate wing in the MLB Hall of Fame for all the fucked up people who were very good at baseball and we should be allowed to smoke in it.

All I got was my old man (great dude rest his soul miss him terribly) offering to get me a prostitute on my 16th birthday because that's what his step dad did for him. I'm a goddamn mess so I guess what I'm saying is don't do that.

This is my go-to on this one.

I'm not sure I'm okay with a Cubs fan being Pope.

It seems statistically improbable to me that in my 37 years meeting people from not just all over this country but from across the globe, I have yet to encounter anyone with a piece of the Aggro Crag.

DM's are now open to any and all jet stream patterns.

Did me up a steak with asparagus over corn purée. Been a big purée guy lately.

I dunno if this is gonna make some of ya'll mad, but I looked into this a bit, and I'm left feeling like this press' overall mission is to usher in a new wave of talented white dude authors so that young white men might be more drawn to non-toxic literary fiction. Currently they are not.

Jacked my back up palyin rugby yesterday. my 1 year old niece and nephew seem not to care. Assholes. Bad kids. This won't be forgotten.

Yea alright this is a harmless fun one to do.

Celebrated Earth Day by makin this tree have a cool ass spiral.

Now seems like as good a time as any for Ernest P. Worrell to get into some shenanigans and accidentally become the pope.

Fuck Fanduel real ones gamble on their twin nephew and niece's Easter Egg Hunt. Got a big $5 payout on Trent +6.5 vs. Peyton.

Denzel remains the GOAT but yes I was right Jake Gyllenhaal was an A+ little prick.

Treated the crew to a half-day Friday with some post-job suds and sammies. Bein a boss is fun sometimes.

Friendly reminder to my mans @yuckytom.bsky.social that this remains a never-skip on the old Spotifys.

POV you're a shed whose last good day was yesterday.

Fun fact about me is I've never had a stomach ache. No idea what this feels like. Always and forever full of shit, I guess.

I found out my friend's partner doesn't like me today and I'm being very mature about it (went and sat in my truck for a half hour and stewed). How do people just be chill about folks hating on them? I'm very bad at it.

Ace Ventura 2 is a mediocre movie but the scene where he crawls out of a mechanical rhinos asshole is top tier physical comedy and the fact that BBC America cut to commercial in the middle of it is offensive.

Some earl as I understand it. Good job bro.

**** **** and ****** ***** are like 20 minutes away from where I'm sitting so right now I have the opportunity to do the coolest thing anyone's ever done after having half a box of wine.

The customer who asked me to hang an anti-trans sign for him (I declined) now has a trans pride flag spray-painted in the street in front of his house. New Jersey, baby.

Back in business, baybee.

Haven't been on a trampoline since I was a mere boy but pleased to report after helping my friend build one for his son I remain a top tier athlete.

Around the Horn is one of those shows that I always loved l but mostly stopped watching as my general TV-watching waned into adulthood, yet it remained a comfort to know it was always out there, so I am thus saddled by a mild guilt as though I was party to its cancellation.