Tonight your mother's ringin' in the New Year with my ding dong.

I'm losin' my fantasy football championship. My guys played bad on purpose. It ain't fair, T.

Yeah T, I know it's Christmas Eve. Nah, I can't make it. I'm in Venezuela tryin' ta get our oil back.

I'm the new first baseman, T.

The boss says Europe ain't our friend anymore, not even Italy. The old country's out, T.

You never hear about the pilgrims anymore, T. It's because they sailed with Columbus.

He's old, he's usin' the autopen, and grocery prices are up. Trump's basically Joe Biden, T.

I should run for office, T. Low-profile, maybe comptroller, somethin' like that. Lotta money in this shıt.

Trump's too broke to feed poor people, T. Says it's an emergency.

I've been taking my drinks neat, T. Because fuck ICE.

Shut the fuck up about Mamdani bein' a communionist or a socialite or whatever. I don't wanna hear it no more. He's the boss now.

Chuck Schumer's kind of a pussy, T.

His name ends in a vowel—maybe Mamdani's Italian, T.

Cuomo hired me to say Mamdani's people beat me up, T.

My SNAP benefits ran out, T.

Maybe Isaac Chotiner could interview you, Christopher.

I got my Halloween costume on, T. Nah, not a baseball player — I'm a loser.

Everything thing I post on here is off the record, T. I use signals.

We just got the White House East Wing job. Maybe we should ask for the money up front, T.

George Santos is back on the streets. He's already earning, T.

I'm startin' a GoFundMe, T. For Mark Sanchez.

If they shut the government down, that means there's no feds to arrest us. I'm pretty sure, T.

Maybe we gotta find a new team, T.

Portland's at war, T. Against Seattle I think.

They keep carvin' shit into bullets, but where'd they get all the tiny instruments for it, T?

Comedy's legal again, T.

It's called the Rapture -- Andreesen and Thiel made it up to get stupid people to off themselves. Fewer mouths to feed, T.

Tom Homan's envelope is light this week, T.

Can't even say that Charlie Kirk got offed by a MAGA Republican no more without getting canceled. It ain't right, T.

The kid who offed Kirk was a Republican, T. Streets are saying inside job.

Once the real Epstein letter came out, they had to do something drastic! Wake up, T!

I seen a few hits in my day, and this one? Total inside job.

At least he died doin' what he loved, T -- bein' real racist.

France needs a new prime minister, T.

Kawhi ain't come into work today, T.

Yeah T, I'm in in Greenland. It ain't that green. They don't use dollars either. Maybe green's a state of mind or somethin'.

The Browns traded DTR and a 5th for Kenny Pickett, then they traded Pickett for a 5th. It's how they avoid tariffs, T.

They can't draft me to Ukraine now. I'm two steps ahead, T.

Trump's gonna trade Alaska to Russia for Ukraine, they got vitamins and minerals over there. He's playin' 3-D chess, T.

Heat dome over Jersey. We don’t got a cold dome we can put on top for a couple hours? Science fell off, T.

He's Chinese, Gerry Mandarin?

There's a tsunami watch, but why would I watch a tsunami, T?

He gave us the stimmy last time so he could draft us this time. Money's never free, T.

His name ends in a vowel—maybe Mamdani's Italian, T.

Cops are killin' politicians now, T? Not just the Italian ones?

I don't want to get drafted, T. I ain't even tried Thai food yet.

Martial law don't apply to me, T. I ain't married.

It don't matter what the court says. Tariffs are a state of mind, T.

We gotta save the white farmers, T. Or at least tell 'em to farm somethin' else, like purple or orange.