They keep carvin' shit into bullets, but where'd they get all the tiny instruments for it, T?

Comedy's legal again, T.

It's called the Rapture -- Andreesen and Thiel made it up to get stupid people to off themselves. Fewer mouths to feed, T.

Tom Homan's envelope is light this week, T.

Can't even say that Charlie Kirk got offed by a MAGA Republican no more without getting canceled. It ain't right, T.

The kid who offed Kirk was a Republican, T. Streets are saying inside job.

Once the real Epstein letter came out, they had to do something drastic! Wake up, T!

I seen a few hits in my day, and this one? Total inside job.

At least he died doin' what he loved, T -- bein' real racist.

France needs a new prime minister, T.

Kawhi ain't come into work today, T.

Yeah T, I'm in in Greenland. It ain't that green. They don't use dollars either. Maybe green's a state of mind or somethin'.

The Browns traded DTR and a 5th for Kenny Pickett, then they traded Pickett for a 5th. It's how they avoid tariffs, T.

They can't draft me to Ukraine now. I'm two steps ahead, T.

Trump's gonna trade Alaska to Russia for Ukraine, they got vitamins and minerals over there. He's playin' 3-D chess, T.

Heat dome over Jersey. We don’t got a cold dome we can put on top for a couple hours? Science fell off, T.

He's Chinese, Gerry Mandarin?

There's a tsunami watch, but why would I watch a tsunami, T?

His name ends in a vowel—maybe Mamdani's Italian, T.

He gave us the stimmy last time so he could draft us this time. Money's never free, T.

His name ends in a vowel—maybe Mamdani's Italian, T.

Cops are killin' politicians now, T? Not just the Italian ones?

I don't want to get drafted, T. I ain't even tried Thai food yet.

Martial law don't apply to me, T. I ain't married.

It don't matter what the court says. Tariffs are a state of mind, T.

We gotta save the white farmers, T. Or at least tell 'em to farm somethin' else, like purple or orange.

But ain't cancer always aggressive, T?

The big guy says we can start operatin' in Qatar now, T. Syria too. I think they're near Kansas or some shit.

If the mayor of Newark can get pinched when he didn't do nothin', there's no reason not to do crimes anymore. It's kind of liberating, T.

Who gives a fuck about the Pope. The Pope's not real, he's make-believe like the Easter Bunny or David Brooks.

We gotta support the Indians against Pakistan, T. Indians were the original Americans. Before Columbus.

People on here get their news and shit from me. I'm an independent journalist, T.

They should start chargin' more at the Bing, T. Because of tariffs.

You don't gotta pay taxes no more. That's what Doge is for, T. Besides, there ain't any feds left to arrest us.

We're headin' to Coachella, T. Bernie Sanders was there last night and I heard maybe Cuomo's speakin' tonight.

It's called Abundance, T. It's so the freaks and nerds who never shut the fuck up about housing have even more shit they never shut the fuck up about.

It's called a bank run; it's when the bankers take all your money and run away.

The feds wanna give Luigi the chair, T.

Yeah T, I'm in in Greenland. It ain't that green. They don't use dollars either. Maybe green's a state of mind or somethin'.

The feds are disappearin' people now, T. We got the expertise, maybe we can win a government contract or some shit. Finally go legit.

Israel's our only democratic ally in the region, T! That's why they don't let everybody vote there, otherwise maybe they wouldn't be our ally no more!

They're gonna blow up Hootie and the Blowfish, T. I seen it on Signal.

T, we're funnelin' donations to Cuomo like you wanted. He says he's still workin' on that other thing, with the pardons.

I got doja cat, or deja vu, or whatever, T.

The feds are disappearin' people now, T. We got the expertise, maybe we can win a government contract or some shit. Finally go legit.

I heard Juan Soto's part Italian, T.

It's Ash Wednesday, T.

It's called strategic capitulation, it's when you give your enemy everything it wants because you're on the take.

The next Pope is probably gonna be Indian or Chinese. It's simple math, T.