Tonight your mother's ringin' in the New Year with my ding dong.

A Christmas present? Sure, kid — I got a package right here for your mother. Heheh.

I prefer broads of legal age.

Yeah Ton', it's me. The thing with Candace Owens? Didn't go as planned. But she thinks the French did it, so we're in the clear.

Best hair in the business for years, but still no endorsement deal from Just for Men. Pricks.

Yeah Ton', it's me. The shutdown's over, just like you wanted. Tim Kaine can have his dog back.

Yeah Ton', it's me. Díck Cheney? Taken care of.

Yeah Ton', it's done. Napoleon's short—on jewels, that is. Heheh.

Yeah Ton', it's me. The Middle East? All taken care of.

Tell your mother my linguine's gonna cost her double from now on, on account of the pasta tariff. Heheh.

I seen a few hits in my day, and this one? Total inside job.

Yeah Ton', it's me. That thing with Rudy? Taken care of.

Real men don't fućk 14 year-olds. They fućk your mother. Heheh.

It don't take a genius to know why Trump ain't releasin' the Epstein files. He's in 'em. Big time.

Italians invented the Caesar Salad on July 4th, ain't nobody more patriotic than us.

I prob'ly got some kids out there I don't know about, so here's a pic of your old man for Father's Day. Heheh.

It must be Flag Day, cuz I'm at full mast. Heheheh.

Yeah Ton', it's me. Tehran? Taken care of.

Yeah Ton', it's me. That Beach Boy you don't like? Taken care of. Brian Wilson, you said.

Yeah Ton', it's me. Elon and the big guy are breakin' up during Pride Month, just like you wanted.

D&D? Sure, kid — I give your mother the D, and then I give your sister the D. Heheh.

Yeah Ton', it's me. Let's just say the Mexican Navy won't be comin' back.

I don't give a fuck where the onion man lays his wood. Quit talkin' about it. Pricks.

Yeah Ton', it's me. Tatum faked the injury, just like we told him.

Mother's Day? Sure, kid — there's room in here for your mother, too.

I'm not gonna be no Pope if I can't bring my broads with me. Tell the cardinals to get back in there and try again.

Yeah Ton', it's me. That gorilla? Taken care of. Tell the 99 other pricks to go home.

Yeah Ton', it's me. We got the word out, nobody's draftin' Shedeur until his old man pays his debts, like you said.

Yeah, I took the cash from Kristi Noem. It was payment for services rendered — let's just say I'm the secretary of her interior. Heheh.

Yeah Ton', it's me. Our friend in the Vatican? Mossad finally got him.

Yeah Ton', it's me. Rory missed, just like you wanted.

Yeah Ton, it's me. Our friend in the big chair caved on the tariffs, just like you wanted.

I'm hopin' for a recession. Because who gives a fuck.

Yeah Ton', it's me. The market's crashing, just like you wanted.

Torpedo bat? Sure kid, I got one — in my pants. Heheh.

I like that AOC broad. Real smart, big ass, got a little fight in her. I'd turn the knob for her. Heheh.

The Ides of March? Sure, kid — I'd plow your mother and I'd plow your sister. That's two I'ds. Heheh.

I wake up with the sun, Ton'. It don't matter what the feds say the time is.

Yeah Ton', it's me. I dumped the bodies on Long Island and burned 'em. Burned a lot of other shit too. Heheh.

Sure kid, it's Fat Tuesday — or as your mother calls it, Tuesday. Heheh.

You can't trust no Russians. I got frostbite on my dick to prove it.

That shít with Gene Hackman? A word to the wise — remember Pearl Harbor.

Yeah Ton', it's me. Our friend in the Vatican is on the way out. Might have to send our laundry elsewhere.

Yeah Ton', it's me. Wemby's not gonna be a problem no more.

Presidents' Day? Sure kid, I'm givin' your mother a lot of presidents today — mostly Washingtons. Heheheh.

Yeah Ton', it's me. Akash Bobba, Edward Coristine, Luke Farritor, Gautier Cole Killian, Gavin Kliger, and Ethan Shaotran.

Yeah Ton', it's me. Luka's a Laker, just like you wanted.

DeepSeek? Sure, kid — that's what I do to your mother every other Tuesday. Heheh.

Yeah Ton', it's me. I'm headin' to the safehouse until this JFK shit blows over again.

Yeah Ton', it's me. TikTok? Not gonna be a problem no more.