There's more to life than just nailin' beautiful broads. There's also ugly ones. Heheheh.

Iron Dome? Sure, kid. That's what it's called when a grown-up broad with braces polishes your knob.

I can't Kuwait to give your mother some friendly fire of my own. Heheheh. You hear what I said, Ton'?

Yeah Ton', it's me. The Cuba thing? Didn't go as planned.

Yeah Ton', it's me. Larry Summers? Taken care of.

State of the Union? Sure, kid — I'll be watching the state of my union with your mother tonight from the mirror on my ceiling. Heheh.

Sure kid, it's Fat Tuesday — or as your mother calls it, Tuesday! Heheheheh. You hear what I said, Ton'? I said his mother calls it Tuesday, on account of her being fat already. Heheh.

People askin' why Gaga did the halftime show. Listen prícks, Italians are the original Latins. Look at this skin. Do I like white to you?

'ey Sil, what time do the Jets play? Heheheh. You hear what I said, Ton'? I says to Sil, what time do the Jets play?

A lot of you ain't actually autistic. You're just prícks.

This Epstein shít is makin' prícks resign all over the world. Try to figure why that ain't happenin' here too.

So you got no broads. Uncle Paulie knows what to do. If you're an ugly or fat little príck, you just gotta go after ugly or fat broads. You're welcome.

When Ashli Babbitt got clipped, that crazy bítch did it to herself. But Alex Pretti, fückin' tragedy is what that is.

Fückin' guy's gonna ruin everything over some fückin' ice patch in the Arctic. Príck.

Yeah Ton, it's me. Bob Weir? Let's just say he ain't just Grateful no more.

You prícks think you lost your country? You lost it a long time ago. Uncle Paulie will explain.

You don't whack the boss of another family just for bein' a prick. If you whack all the pricks, there won't be nobody left.

Tonight your mother's ringin' in the New Year with my ding dong.

A Christmas present? Sure, kid — I got a package right here for your mother. Heheh.

I prefer broads of legal age.

Yeah Ton', it's me. The thing with Candace Owens? Didn't go as planned. But she thinks the French did it, so we're in the clear.

Best hair in the business for years, but still no endorsement deal from Just for Men. Pricks.

Yeah Ton', it's me. The shutdown's over, just like you wanted. Tim Kaine can have his dog back.

Yeah Ton', it's me. Díck Cheney? Taken care of.

Yeah Ton', it's done. Napoleon's short—on jewels, that is. Heheh.

Yeah Ton', it's me. The Middle East? All taken care of.

Tell your mother my linguine's gonna cost her double from now on, on account of the pasta tariff. Heheh.

I seen a few hits in my day, and this one? Total inside job.

Yeah Ton', it's me. That thing with Rudy? Taken care of.

Real men don't fućk 14 year-olds. They fućk your mother. Heheh.

It don't take a genius to know why Trump ain't releasin' the Epstein files. He's in 'em. Big time.

Italians invented the Caesar Salad on July 4th, ain't nobody more patriotic than us.

I prob'ly got some kids out there I don't know about, so here's a pic of your old man for Father's Day. Heheh.

It must be Flag Day, cuz I'm at full mast. Heheheh.

Yeah Ton', it's me. Tehran? Taken care of.

Yeah Ton', it's me. That Beach Boy you don't like? Taken care of. Brian Wilson, you said.

Yeah Ton', it's me. Elon and the big guy are breakin' up during Pride Month, just like you wanted.

D&D? Sure, kid — I give your mother the D, and then I give your sister the D. Heheh.

Yeah Ton', it's me. Let's just say the Mexican Navy won't be comin' back.

I don't give a fuck where the onion man lays his wood. Quit talkin' about it. Pricks.

Yeah Ton', it's me. Tatum faked the injury, just like we told him.

Mother's Day? Sure, kid — there's room in here for your mother, too.

I'm not gonna be no Pope if I can't bring my broads with me. Tell the cardinals to get back in there and try again.

Yeah Ton', it's me. That gorilla? Taken care of. Tell the 99 other pricks to go home.

Yeah Ton', it's me. We got the word out, nobody's draftin' Shedeur until his old man pays his debts, like you said.

Yeah, I took the cash from Kristi Noem. It was payment for services rendered — let's just say I'm the secretary of her interior. Heheh.

Yeah Ton', it's me. Our friend in the Vatican? Mossad finally got him.

Yeah Ton', it's me. Rory missed, just like you wanted.

Yeah Ton, it's me. Our friend in the big chair caved on the tariffs, just like you wanted.

I'm hopin' for a recession. Because who gives a fuck.