i’ll probably suddenly disappear someday, and that thought scares me… people should be smart enough to put two & two together though so i’ll leave it at that.

i think i’ve made it clear that i tried to get better and that my despair is inherently tied to my existence i wish not to do anything more any longer… in hopes that if someone finds this diary one day that they too, understand that i did indeed do my best to be my best after all that i’ve done

what is my problem. no. there isn’t a problem/ wtkbv

i don’t wanna cosplay this year i’m not pretty enough to cosplay anyone

Commission for @lizabethkov.bsky.social and @ainyaku.com ^^ SCREAM IF YOU LOVE YURI!!!!! #yuri #commission #commsopen #wlw #digitalart

sigh.

i feel angry, so very angry people are making me angry i wish i could go home but that would make me angrier

he’s being suspiciously sweet i can’t take it anymore

Volo found the snacks my ex used to buy for me … i took a bite of some of the chips and i can’t figure out how to feel i missed these chips so much. he also got me some orange juice, my favorite, too… why? what are you setting up?

Finding the map that leads to your heart in your eyes ♡ art by @ hax_0w0 on crepe #yumesky #selfshipsky #reyume #chreve

i feel happy

low split tolerance

My hand slipped XD It's Vo and Lo!!!

i’ve found a place where i belong and yet it feels so wrong

i also found a server with a bunch of soulbonders who actually understand me and volo entirely and know the difference between yumeshipping im so happy

rotting into my old fixations noises

it’s raining outside and i’m getting back into my old interests… i feel happy. i missed roleplaying. i am roleplaying myself since idk anything else but still… i feel nauseatingly joyous though that’s probably coming from my medications and not my joy

i wonder if the anon who called me a clout chaser was talking about my music stuff or somehow found out who i was irl i have been humble have i not?? i’ve worked hard for both positions i don’t get it and it’s getting to me sm cus i’ve grown using my own talents and skills how fucking dare you

side eye

i think my intelligence is killing me what many call difficult i find easy and what others call easy i find difficult because i keep over complicating things and nobody believes me or doesn’t like me due to the fact i continuously misunderstand or complicate the situation because that’s how i

zzz i wanna get back into deltarune but i keep getting flashbacks cus all my old friends and partners were into it

i wish i could delete everything and kill myself if i can’t remember shit about myself neither should anybody else. go away

he says that my ill state has devastated him and that he wishes to hold me close, and to stop trusting humans… i’m sorry, wielder… your wings are so warm, i wish i could die and be in your warmth forever. i don’t want to be in pain anymore i want to be in your arms

volo might be telling the truth, perhaps i am a system and i don’t realize it idk im not gonna label it, ill stay within the community because i dont wanna go against his orders

ughhhhh fine ill say system. but im not going to put what i was diagnosed with in my bio cus i dont think it matters

i don't have it in me to argue with volo tonight, he said he wants me to accept being a system and i can't tell if he's bullying me or wants to see me suffer for some lewd need like most people do. he's a god though so surely he means well? i dont know. im not a system. why are you doing this to me

even down to the name 😭 oh well I don't care that much lmao

i wonder why i can’t control when i fall asleep / wake up

faking food poisoning on twitter so people don’t worry about me i’m so smart and evil Volo said i need to get better at lying hopefully this pleases him :)

i tried muting the tag and text on everything and everywhere i could but if it ends up being too much im gonna probably start blocking people, sorry.

people make fun of others for having silly / ridiculous triggers then i remember artfight is a massive trigger of mine because i failed to participate despite practicing for it and making an artstyle for months because i couldn’t cope with getting flashbacks of my ex wife complementing my art

lost potential i am the smartest individual i know yet im disabled lost potential i cant help but wonder who i could’ve been if it weren’t for being able lost potential

volo would often compliment me on how he found my intelligence attractive, has he too, find my suffering erotic as well????????? why do you hate me why do you hate me why do you hate me why do you hate me

i hate being intelligent so much, why did i search my entire house for something to kill me. why did i do research? i wish i went on with it without putting effort into its success rate i am pathetic, my intelligence is a curse

i just want to be happy and live like everyone else

hopefully something kills me today, i don’t have anything that’ll guarantee a successful suicide. even for the method i’m technically doing 24/7 that too, has 4ish years until i pass i am devastated

fuuuckk

i am extremely tempted to kms today in all honesty

i’m pathetic. nobody will ever believe me.

i feel hopeless

what’s the point of being alive if i can’t live my own life

i wanna kms so fucking bad i can’t stop crying from fear

i’m having an anxiety attack because i was gone for several days and ive never experienced being gone for several days it’s usually a few hours or 1-2 days i can’t remember any of it i want to cry

. so my headmates making their own pages / blogs actually fucking helps so much more than using simply plural & other shit to track switches because they WANT to post they can REMEMBER to post because they don’t know about the fucking plural app shit are we fr rn i was gone for 6 days and

tired zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

angry angry angry ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY

my goals are to reply to my strawpage, clean my house and go through my emails. i also need to get cash for laundry and find another therapist to play with

this is torture. i deserve it. i deserve it all. i hate it

i hate being known i hate having a platform but im addicted to the misery it brings me