Reaching my final form at the farmer's market in a PBS tee with a New Yorker tote bag

Whatever norms make Dems feel compelled to post this drivel went out the window 10 years ago. If, for whatever reason, you want to send condolences to his loved ones, you can do that privately. We truly do not need to do this performative shit anymore.

Whenever I’m around 2 or more babies and they start babbling and cooing at each other I need to say “a meeting of the minds” or else I’ll blow up

Stretched out my legs on the train and as soon as I finished the guy across from me started stretching his legs out too

Declined a new doctor's request to use AI to summarize my visit and now we're both just sitting here irritated

Beginning to think my followers only like me for my armpits............

Local vet clinic has a (fake) cat skeleton on display presumably to lend an academic air but it's clearly a Halloween decoration and not an anatomical model

Thought this restaurant had a giant inflatable ice cream cone out front but got closer and realized it was the cup like from the World Cup smh

Hate it when you're already having a bad day and then you remember you packed yourself a fuckass lentil salad for lunch 😒

Occasionally when I listen to Julien Baker I think "thank goodness I didn't have access to these lyrics back when I was writing AIM away messages"

S'mores-flavored protein bar contains mini marshmallows which ironically enough are firmer than the bar itself. The modern world holds so many mysteries

Darkly funny that Grindr these days is like "WAIT‼️ Before you message this guy......... don't you want to ask our AI if you're compatible??"

With every passing year I become increasingly convinced reality TV is emblematic of a pervasive and alarming societal corrosion. But on the other hand jokes about a hot new bombshell entering the villa do get me every time

Just recently learned "quisling" was originally a last name which is surprising only bc it's so apt, like you look at that word and it just screams "traitor"

Buying baby shower gifts is so funny like awww I hope my friends think of me every time they use this diaper pail 🚼💖

Don't worry king that daddy isn't ignoring you he just forgot to close Scruff on his iPad when he left the house

Straight male cousin mentioned he finds Charli XCX incredibly hot, a reaction my gay brain genuinely forgot a man could have

Just listened to DONK for the first time. In related news who is coming over to light candles and strew rose petals and go to town on each other

Mitch McConnell almost certainly has a spot on the Mt. Rushmore of "Most Poisonous American Politicians in My Lifetime" but I don't rly wanna spend my Sunday morning ruminating on that

Being gay means there’s a ~20% chance a hookup will try to classify you on some novel and/or obscure astrology-adjacent personality framework

The state of the political discourse:

Brb adding “Rugged” to my Grindr tribes (cousin’s dog got too riled up while we were playing)

Desperately trying to reverse-engineer a joke from the punchline "Claudia SHEINbaum" despite knowing nothing about fast fashion nor Mexican politics

Workout class "Pride" playlist was almost entirely dubstep

Got asked "do you work here?" while I was out shopping with headphones, a raincoat and a tote bag like mama let's make some inferences

Friends set me up with a beautiful man who shares many of my interests and opinions and of course he lives 1000 miles away

Trying to be thoughtful and supportive and compassionate through a friend's divorce when really I want to shout YAYYY YOUR HUSBAND TOTALLY SUCKED SHIT LET'S PARTY

Eating an unpeeled kiwi for the first time...................

One time at work the sweetest little old lady mailed us $2 in cash to support our research which was very touching! But paperwork-wise a huge pain lol

*flirtatiously* wanna see a really gnarly mystery bruise on my calf? I have no idea how I got it 😏

Gotta speak my truth: Jack Schlossberg's hot:irritating ratio was never in the positive FOR ME. Insufferable from his first twee little front-facing video

Even setting aside how this was obviously never about saving money, anyone who's dealt with government grants like at all would laugh bitterly at the notion they don't demand enough reporting or accountability

Hate it when people ask me to ask my boss stuff bc they're too afraid to ask her directly 🙄 like first of all, what makes you think I'M not afraid of her,

Similarly I am very ready to stop getting ads for congressional races in districts I don't live in!

Granted we've had a lot going on lately but I'll admit I did completely forget about Rishi Sunak

Agreed to do pub trivia with straight friends last night and brought our team to a blowout victory simply by knowing the names of the Fab 5 from Queer Eye

Guy behind me at the deli got the same wrap I did 💅 ur pal Benj is in his Influencer era

Here's a bit of trivia: the name "Idaho" was completely made up by a white politician in the 1860s who told everyone it was Shoshone for "gem of the mountains"

Friends invited me to see Aladdin on Broadway with their kids but they got fussy and left at intermission so I was there for the second half like

An entire planet’s worth of places bugs could hang out just for them to insist on my eyeball

Got a haircut but the selfie will have to wait because I just posted one. Can't flood the market

They're trying to hang this albatross around Darializa's neck too! Baffling to imply Harris lost the election bc New Yorkers weren't enthusiastic enough about her!

"Practice makes perfect" wrong. I have fried so many eggs yet I am somehow getting worse

Bumped into each other in the lobby and a minute later our super walked in while his hands were on my hips

Tangential to this specific news story but recently there has been a puzzling and concerning uptick in "ALEX JONES WAS RIGHT" graffiti in my neighborhood

Darkly funny that calling your snake oil "peptides" is enough to get people to buy and inject them when that's only like a half-step more descriptive than "molecules"

Can't stop thinking about this, like unprompted he just spelled out another patient's last name. And threw in his ethnicity and visit date to boot

Medical assistant at my annual physical told a pretty funny story which was unfortunately a blatant HIPAA violation

Seems like everyone (inc. me) just learned the word "limerence" this week. Can't throw a rock without hitting someone saying "limerence"

Coworker’s 17yo daughter is interning and I hope she’s ready to bond over Olivia Rodrigo