Pretty rude that the other tenants in my building flush their toilets all willy-nilly without even asking if I’m in the shower first smh

Meaning aside, "coercion" is a really beautiful word. Maybe one of my faves come to think of it

This Just In: the same pic as always, but now with added pants 🤩

I spread ↔️ like strawberries 🍓 I climb ⏫ like peas 🥜 and beans 🫘 I've been sucking 😮 it in 🫢 so long ⏳⌛ That I'm busting 😤🤯 at the seams 💥

Nvm he waited until after I confirmed my appointment to be like "heyyy btw I'm raising my prices 20%" 😒 not very sisterly of him, IMO

So turns out "accessory muscles" has an actual physiological meaning and is not, as I had assumed, a derisive term for muscles cultivated solely to look hot

I'm vaguely curious about Nicki Minaj's commitment to Chucky gifs buuuuut that seems like a can of worms unworthy of opening

Always tickles me when restaurants do this like what's the story here?? Why these three cities? I am so curious

Shirley Jackson short story about how we ritually scapegoat an innocent groundhog to purge our collective sin of living in the American northeast

Whatever my "screen time" was during a full week of sub-freezing temperatures doesn't really seem like any of my business 💖

ETYMOLOGY FUN FACT: ancient Greeks actually made "hyper" and "hypo" sound so similar on purpose, as a prank. And of course the Romans followed suit with "intra" and "inter"

“No, Lemon, I said we’re working on SOHLER Energy. It’s our new coal-burning space heater division. Our sunlight subscription service never got much traction, no matter how much we spent on marketing.”

Valentine’s Day kinda forcing my hand on a decision I’m not yet ready to make 👉👈

It would've made no sense but I kinda hoped this guy would be a recurring third wheel, like how Zelda and Link keep reincarnating with Beedle (Including the phrase Heated Rivalry for those who have muted it ✨)

Someone laid down a glove as a funeral shroud for a dead pigeon in a sidewalk tree bed. Oddly affecting

Obviously who cares/I'm reveling in the schadenfreude but like. I thought even MAGA was tepid (at best) about Melania?? How were they expecting this doc to go

Lots of bad news lately but: remember when Andrew Cuomo completely ate shit? That was nice

Oh wait should I NOT be doing that? Listening, learning,

We're used to it by now but it's staggering how shamelessly they'll lie about even the most easily disproven shit, like why do they think they can convince us Trump has the fortitude of an ox

Seems like hypocrisy/cognitive dissonance that my very pro-AI boss will slander writing she doesn't like as "AI-sounding" but I suppose she doesn't have to consider it "good" to be "good enough"

My mother, an extremely moderate Dem who found it heartwarming that Colin Powell spoke at the 2020 DNC, now agrees that ICE must be abolished 🫡

People are being executed in the street over a problem that straight up does not exist and both parties are complicit in the lie

Most endowed chairs (🫦) are named in honor of husband+wife couples but this one professor’s is named after two men……….

An odd kind of composite bad day made up of many small things going between 10% and 50% wrong

Eating a sad salad at my desk and accidentally made eye contact with a stranger in the hall through the glass door omg I am a great ape in a zoo

Momentarily stunned by the (hunky) Trader Joe's cashier asking if I had a Grindr until I realized he was making sure I knew I was buying whole bean coffee

The main reason I want a boyfriend is so someone has to feign interest when I say stuff like "at the laundromat, I happened to scoop up the exact number of quarters I needed, twice in a row!"

It's frankly insulting that Gmail is like "you didn't ask us to but we used AI to summarize your friends' email about their baby :) you're welcome :)" like fuck off!! What is wrong with you!!

Tomorrow will be our 6th attempted date over the course of 2 months (even split on which of us has asked to reschedule). I have a good feeling about this one, stay tuned

Okay sorry I feel like my skeets are too negative lately. How about something different, like: I could fix him

Really fucking bugs me when people treat "prediction market" odds as some kind of truth handed down on a tablet instead of an aggregate opinion influenced by a million perverse incentives

Not a sexy political topic but investing in more public restrooms is huge, especially in the era of the gig economy!!

Personally I wouldn't want to date a 25-year-old because they do things like text you at 11pm. But this doesn't make it wrong or unethical to date a 25-year-old

Making small talk while tour guiding a visiting faculty member and I told him "East River" is a misnomer since it's actually a tidal estuary and he responded "why do you know that" ☹️

The fancy specialty grocery store finally realized their 4-packs of THC seltzers were ringing up at the price of 1 can 💔💔💔 we had a good thing going while it lasted

Got a tap from a guy with a profile pic of his bare ass, one entire cheek of which is covered with a realistic roaring bear (animal) tattoo

Bumped into her on the street outside of the office and she tried to hide her VAPE omg feeling soooo not mad just disappointed rn

Aw maaaan I think I’ve been mistakenly entangled in a secretive web of espionage

Eric Adams' "Stop Antisemitism" cryptocurrency was a scam??I'm shocked! This is shocking news. Shocking! I'm shocked!

I just learned Rose Byrne and Bobby Cannavale are married and thought "wow, honestly good for them both." I often think the same thing about Russell Wilson and Ciara

Walked past a car with a realistic latex face mask over the passenger head rest, presumably to skirt HOV restrictions. Car brain is truly such a disease!!

Consciously I know red lentils will melt away and vanish into the broth. But somehow every time I cook them I’m like

This 5'5" beet-red meatball of a man seemed to think he could walk straight through me on the sidewalk to get to his car with a thin blue line Spartan helmet bumper sticker. A bit on the nose tbh

Simultaneously kinda banal and surreal to look out the window and realize the neighbor kids have become teenagers LOL like damn everyone you encounter rly is the protagonist of their own complex story you know almost nothing about huh

Any bloomfs want me to teach em how to BoomBoom?

Has the Harry Potter hawking always felt this pervasive?? Like good god the audiobooks and the TV series and the video game and the amusement park and the brick-and-mortars and the and the

It’s amazing how much of my excitement for an event is determined by whether I can wear comfortable shoes to it

The NIH just mandated proprietary software for preparing certain grant docs (instead of just writing them in Word) and like. Idk feels like maybe that shouldn't be a priority for them rn

It appears ICE murdered someone in cold blood today and their plan is — per usual — to create a fog of lies so the killer does not face justice. We simply can't let that happen. The shooter has to be arrested and so does Bovino. They can't just kill people on the street.

A uniquely 21st century phenomenon is finding out an acquaintance has transitioned via social media like “wait since when have I known someone named Celeste?? Ohhhh”