Keep your godchild entertained by emptying all the change out of that huge whiskey bottle you keep in the lounge and getting him to count it.

One for @mysteriosox.bsky.social

I've just been asked why I don't have a proper chin by a tiny girl I rather liked up to the whole 'proper chin' thing. I have new shoes on, she could have mentioned those, but oh no, straight to my excess of chinery.

Oooo everyone's chuntering on about their rights now white people's lives are getting a bit too stop and searchy.

I've lived in my current house for over 20 years and I've never known my crabapple tree put out a crop like this before. It's odd, when you consider how hot and dry it has been.

Please take Andy Burnham down south. That way I won't have to watch him shoehorn himself into every North West issue he has neither the influence or ability to alter the course of.

Shout out to the puzzled looking, slightly chonky bald fella who presented the weather on North West Today in a suit jacket that didn't quite fit. Mate, I saw you across the kitchen counter and I'm totally digging your vibe.

Just had that "You're trilingual, so which language do you think in?" conversation again. I try to avoid thinking, but there is something like a fire in a pet shop jazz saxophone solo going on in there all the time.

This morning's granddaughter school drop off question: If you were a machine, what sort of machine would you be, Simon? Definitely one of those dispensing machines you find in hotel lobbies that take your money but don't give you your Twix. You?

I went to visit my large collection of cassette Walkmans in self storage today. They, like my watercolours of Conwy Castle, remain a niche market that won't increase in value. Maybe I should have bought Minidisk instead.

Tea? I have homemade chocolate chip cookies.

Helping my daughter in the uneven struggle to hang on to her house and her independence is now costing me way more than it ever did to support her when she lived at home and trashed my car every other week. A bit of encouragement for parents with growing families there.

You'd let Ed Davey have a key to your place so he could pop in and feed your cat while you're away, wouldn't you? Oh you would. He'd spend hours trying to bond with it. Flat on his stomach on the carpet making kissy noises, trying to lure it out from under the spare bed.

Can't help but feel that some of you would find a lot more joy, a lot more of the time, if you would just uncritically enjoy things. Like Merv the goat, who ate holes in the felt meant for the roof on my shed today.

Chiesa!

Congrats to whoever it was at the UN who couldn't guess he'd use the only speech he ever intends to make there to issue a rallying cry to the Right all over the continent.

Some prick with a frisbee with LEDs in the rim just scared the shit out of slightly tipsy me as I walked back from the pub. Nonetheless, mine was a manly shriek.

It just HAD to be womens fault for taking paracetamol when pregnant, didn't it? Not mens pain free sperm. Women.

Funny that, on the same day I wrote this, I should have to wade through this - and the predictable storm of assumptions and accusations, from a trans activist who was so offended by bloots floating the idea that people need to stop policing who other people follow

I've just seen a man driving along with his suit jacket on a hanger attached to the driver's side rear passenger grab handle. And he wasn't even driving a Vauxhall Cavalier GSi.

You know those emergency pressure relief valves that vets screw through the sidewall of the abdomen of bloated cattle? Like that, but for Jeremy Clarkson.

Quote post an unfiltered pic and say your age. Every second of 57

Very much enjoying how the ref in the Newcastle, Bournemouth game looks like he's wearing a sports bra that's two sizes too small for him.

Strange how people who take a stand against certain types of bigotry get to call themselves allies these days. When I wandered wide eyed and gormless into the vipers nest of poison that falling in love with a black woman was in the 80s we called it social suicide.

Took old Harry from next door to church this morning - I'm banking on it being a foolproof death hack to get me through them pearlies, and as I stood there resplendent in my Psychedelic Furs hoodie, I realised that maybe I should have toned it down a bit, and gone a Sisters Of Mercy one instead.

Here in Wales it has, as promised, rained like Noah's flood the sequel all day. Of course I found something personally improving and meaningful to do with my time. I baked a shed load of chocolate chip cookies and then wrote a synth anthem about - you've guessed it, cookies.

I've been presented with a Welsh language Scrabble set by a date, lads. Why doesn't anyone demand to be taken home and ravished to the point of hysteria any more, eh?

There was a man in the self checkout queue in Tesco with three bottles of scotch and a big bag of dry roasted peanuts in his basket. Made me feel better about my tub of Quality Street and 2ltr Pepsi Max.

Jeremy Corbyn displaying his usual intolerance for someone trying to be decisive there.

Will the owner of a black Rolls Royce, registration number HRH 1 - oh fuck that's me.

Trump's royal procession around a closed Windsor estate didn't remind me of the days my daughter spent making slow laps of my back garden on her pink Disney Princess tricycle, with a sparkly helium balloons tied to the handlebars, at all.

Also today a free borderline stale croissant and single little butter thing. With friends like mine etc...

I was sitting in a busy cafe today and two people entered and continued to have the loud argument they must have been having before they came in. Of course, it had to be me that said something about it, didn't it. They were vehwee vehwee cwoss wid me. But they shut up.

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD

#notallWelshpeople I'm fucking lovely, me.

I've also been up on the roof repointing some tiles because, you know, that long period of hot dry weather we had this summer didn't feel like the opportunity I needed. Sue Bendall across the road gave me the finger so that's the last time I do her bins while she's in Eliamos Villas.

Today I kept an eye on a snake in a cardboard box while his keeper nipped into Guy's Newsagents for some pods for his vape, lads. I was giving the keeper and the snake a lift to the zoo, which is near where I live. It's a new snake. A rescue snake if you like.

Exactly right. Shutting people out of your lives is just the kind of holier-than-thou self indulgence that has been actively encouraged over the past decade. It demonstrates precisely none of the nouse needed to solve political and societal issues.

I'm watching harry trying to sweep leaves out of his garage even as more blow in. I have popcorn if you want to pop round. If he's on his knees weeping after I've had me tea (Northern) I'll pop out and help him, I promise.

Kash Patel had a career writing dialogue for low budget Steven Segal movies before his overpromotion, yes?

I got leg humped by an assistance dog called Ralph outside the Post Office. Beat that, you can't can you?

Me being forced to sit through my 13-year-old daughter's school violin recital.

What is lacking from the uproar in our own political and societal situation that you feel we should import more from America?

Remember the political assassination of several people by a man dressed as a cop in Minnesota a few months ago? Thought not.

I see they've managed to turn it into the Turin Banksy.

Welsh! About time we took our place in the pantheon of the world's leading wine makers or something.

I'll violate your airspace in a minute, buster. My mum at the NATO meeting.

I bet Airpod 3 doesn't do Welsh.

I'm sitting next to a backgammon set in a brazen attempt to look sophisticated, lads.

Radicalised haberdashers are the worst haberdashers, lads. BBC News - Westbury White Horse checked for any England flag damage - BBC News www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...