Every winter, weather in the deep South goes through the meteorological equivalent of puberty

My zone is exactly the size of Earth. Bye.

I want in on this email list

Have a duck and a smile

Forget sharks

Meanwhile, in the antimatter universe...

Me during the holidays

Time to play "So, You Wanna Rename Shit?"

I hope everyone has a good #Christmas* *Not everyone is eligie for this offer. Some restrictions apply.

Maybe everyone else is singing the wrong song

Holiday snack tip

I've been on a homemade biscuit kick lately. I finally got tired of baking little batches and made 34 biscuitd that I froze. They cook great straight out of the freezer.

If retirement has taught me anything it's that I really excel at fucking off

You don't even have to be nominated, just hungry.

"Hail to the Choad"

Had a big, fat nostalgia sandwich today

Current mood Past mood Future mood Mood

Stevie never Wondered, Johnny had the Cash, Neil isn't Young, George is Strait

Best synopsis ever

All I want for Christmas is you...to shut up

Instead of a hand he has his head up his ass.

He's onto something

Forget March 14, today is the real Pi(e) day.

Introduce yourself with five events you've attended: Colonoscopy Spinal surgery DMV waiting room Port-a-Potty in Southern heat Chuck E Cheese birthday party

Y'all excuse me, my bath is ready. #Thanksgiving

Everything's too fucking expensive

How to buy the tastiest cereal

Look at my local dispensary handing out boxes of matches like it's the 1960s! I love the nostalgia.

This would be immensely practical

Thor has his hammer, I have mine.

One! One very good point! Ah ah ah ah...

I'm serious about turkey, y'all. #HappyThanksgiving

I about to have my second dental surgery in the spa of 6 days. I'll be on a liquid diet and they only prescribe ibuprofen for the pain. So fuck that, I just stocked up on vapes, gummies, and extract. Tommy ain't gonna feel no pain.

Who's hungry? I've got left-overs. #biscuits

Stargate is finally back!

Damned teenagers'll eat anything

Your last saved meme is your moral philosophy

Your last saved meme is your moral philosophy

I look better on paper

what's a movie you never tire of watching?

What's a movie you never get tired of?

What's a movie you never tire of watching?

My new favorite country song. It focuses on what's important in life.

Putting lip balm on while your mouth is still numb from surgery is hilariously difficult and impossible to stay within the lines. Well, at least my balls are nice and moisturized now.

Oh, and this so-called "Oral Surgeon" never used his mouth once! Fucking ripoff...

Thanks to healthcare in the USA I just bought a good used car from a brand called Oral Surgery.