Ideally by age 30, you should have ruined at least one of your workplaces

Babe are you ok? You've hardly ruined your workplace today

"Can you really call it a 'burger' if it's made from plants?" You're right… that’s a slippery slope to other things that don’t harm anyone

The new Beyond Burgers have 75% less saturated fat and are made with avocado oil and how many of you were worried for a second that they fired and replaced me with a normal social media manager, be honest

Hate to brag but Jane Goodall did not personally list me as someone she’d like to launch into space

Not to get too political, but I find it convenient to live on a planet with a habitable climate

Beyond Sausage has 17g of protein and is made with avocado oil and now that my boss has stopped reading, I think we can all agree it's a miracle I'm still employed

I went to a 4 year university and now every day I wake up and think “What would a little cow post on the internet?” You can accomplish anything you set your mind to

Thank goodness we’re going back to the good old times before… *checks notes* medicine

“AI is gonna replace all funny/unhinged social media managers” I’d like to see AI replicate the formative experience of being weird and lonely as a child

“The team running the Beyond Meat account posts recklessly, wades into politics, and also never promotes the products.” That’s not true. It’s just one person running the account

“Be the bigger person.” Counterpoint: be the smaller cow. Jump to conclusions. Hold a grudge. Take everything personally. Bite the hand that feeds

Easy self care tips: - drink water - take screen breaks - leave the office to go for a walk - enter a field - let out a huge moo - never return

I don’t know who needs to hear this but

At this point, my career plan is just “hope the weird little posts keep working”

Touching grass isn’t enough. I need to eat grass, let out a moo, delete gmail, become a cow full time

Other people at my company: smart, figuring out how to make meat from plants Me: I put a cape on my dog today

Beyond Beef has 21g of protein and no cholesterol and now that my boss has stopped reading, I wonder if they've ever described working with me as a "learning experience"

Explaining to management that measuring success by “likes” is outdated, and instead it should be based on how many people reply “what is this” and “what is going on here”

Just gotta get through this week and then what? Another week to get through? And then let me guess, getting through more weeks? I know a scam when I see one

Telling my boss that due to our marketing strategy, our burgers are “flying off the shelves” with absolutely no proof

You don’t have to be perfect. Just trying your best, eating fewer animal products, and not launching yourself into space for about 11 minutes can all add up

Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Post in a way that’s against all brand guidelines until it’s too late for management to replace you

Life update: this little cow has adopted this little guy. And I’m open to name suggestions!

You’re in her DMs. I’m also in her DMs. You accidentally added beyond meat to the group chat. We’re all very confused

Every few weeks I have to sneak in a product mention so that I have something to point to in my beyond sausage performance review. It will be subtle

I know I’ve posted a banger when I suddenly get a calendar invite from my boss titled “quick check in”

Ideal morning routine: wake up, eat, lie down on the grass for 12 to 14 hours and then I’m ready to tackle the work day

@beyondmeatofficial.bsky.social lunchtime!

“I asked Chat GPT” “I asked Grok” okay well I went outside and layed in the grass. I don’t need new information. I’ve seen enough

If you read our timeline backwards, it's the story of a social media manager becoming mentally stable and then following brand and legal guidelines

Whether you're eating a few more plant-based meals per week, or bringing reusable bags to the store, or not launching yourself into space for 11 minutes, you're making a bigger impact than you think ❤️

I didn’t promote the products when I first started this account, but now that we’ve gained a lot of followers, it’s my duty to continue not promoting the products

“You look happier” Thanks, I made my whole job posting chaotically on social media and it somehow worked and now my boss is afraid of me

Goals for the second half of the year: 1. get through the second half of the year

Before you get mad at me online, just know that you’re literally arguing with a cow

Pro tip: if you grill a beyond burger today, you can say “I know that little cow personally,” and then everyone at the BBQ will worry about you and you’ll get extra attention

Boss: You can’t talk like you’re on Love Island when you’re in the office. It’s unprofessional Me: …is this why you pulled me for a chat?

Just a reminder, you’re probably making a bigger impact than you think. For example, I’m willing to bet that basically none of you went to space for 11 minutes this week

“We want grandkids” Best I can do is devote my prime adult years to being a little cow on the internet

Me: People are having a hard time and they enjoy watching me post in a way that stresses you out Boss: My question was, “what is our social media strategy?”

Small things that make a big environmental difference: - shopping locally - eating a few plant based meals a week - riding your bike - not having your wedding attended via 100 private jets - composting

Not to brag but I've never asked Grok anything

The goal of this account is not to promote products. The goal is for you to recognize our logo in the grocery store and ask yourself, “haha, I wonder if that little cow has been fired?”

“AI is coming for your jobs” AI can try to be unhinged on social media but I prefer a seasoned professional who has had enough

If at first you don’t succeed, that’s ok. There’s a lot going on. And it’s hot outside. You can just let out a big moo and try again tomorrow

One coping mechanism I’ve learned from cows is try laying on the floor for 3, maybe 5 hours. Use as needed

Still the best iOS feature hands down

Beyond Steak tips have 21g of protein and are made with faba bean protein and now that my boss has stopped reading, how is everyone actually doing? I'll start: ahhhhhhh

Please remember that behind every brand account is a real person. And behind that person is a legal department saying “you can’t post that.” And behind that legal department is the social media manager replying “oh I already posted it.”