When my brother and I were regularly freaking out about the threat of WW3 in the 80's, we'd never have believed that in the future it would actually be caused by a dementia-ridden, terracotta paedophile with the IQ of a custard cream who regularly shits his pants. It's bizarre. Utterly bizarre.

I bought my son a cushion with our cat's face printed on it for Christmas and I've lost count of the number of times I've done a double take after catching it in my peripheral vision.

Kicked off 2026 by waking up at 6:30am, heart pounding from a blood-drenched nightmare about Russians massacring people and dogs during a charity event. It was so vivid, I instantly checked the news and now can't unsee the awful images. Thanks, brain - happy new year to you too (you bastard).

It amazes me that the producers of stocking filler riddles still include this one like it's 1970 and the idea of a female surgeon is nothing short of scandalous.

Dreamt I was ostracised at a wedding because I made the simple observation that the groom looked like a fat Bruce Grobbelaar. Good to know that my sub conscious is rummaging through the 1980's Biffa bins of my memory bank for dream material.

Still kicking myself for incinerating the meat yesterday. I cooked it for nearly 2hrs longer than I should have because I based my timings on the price per kg amount rather than the actual weight I could see it was looking blackened but my brain follows instructions to the letter. I'm such an idiot

This year's 'Call the Midwife' Christmas special looks a bit bleak.

Clear evidence the Internet is rotting my brain. I went to the Ashmolean today and saw this lovely, ceramic head. My brain gave me one thought and one thought only....

You know when you're on a TV show and mean to say "Good for you for pushing the boat out" but you're nervous and fuck it up?...

I often think along these lines and about how much money we could plough into making the world a better place if we didn't have to waste it defending ourselves from sabre-rattling, micro-penised, megalomaniac narcissists.

Anyone else hearing the 'Stath Let's Flats' theme tune?

Just had a mortifying full trolley re-scan of a massive food shop like a criminal The reason? Despite taking these off the same display, scanning one+clicking there were 3 of them, one is apparently not the fucking same Was that really necessary Sainsbury's? No is the answer, no it fucking wasn't

For anyone who is familiar with the 'Xero Accounting Software' ad on Spotify, do you think they intentionally recorded it to sound like they're saying "cunting software" every 5seconds?

You know you're winning at life when you've only got two Christmas cards on the mantelpiece....one is from your parents and the other is from your regular Chinese takeaway.

Don't threaten me with a good time.

As if the world isn't ridiculous enough at the moment, the fact that I'd be denied entry to the US and probably body-slammed into a detention facility for something like this is just nuts.

The boys and girls of Clacton with some fantastic Reform-inspired Xmas card designs this year. 🎄

Our snoozing cat is currently the physical embodiment of how I feel about Monday's impending doom.

Feel like I need a mental health break from 2025 and pop back to my favourite Christmas of 1984. Even just a few hours playing with my 'Loving You' Barbie and Dad figuring out how to set up the ZX Spectrum so my brother and I could relentlessly play 'Horace Goes Skiing'. *Big sigh*

Looks like the end of days...or the rapture...or something happening over my town right now. Whichever event involves the appearance of a heavenly, cloud anus.

Overheard a Year 7 in the corridor boasting to his mate that when the teacher said "Good morning" to him, he 'hilariously' responded with "BAD morning". I instantly thought "Ha! It's mini Paul Darrow!" but unless you listen to @wheezingpod.bsky.social this will mean absolutely nothing to you.

The expression of every future domestic robot when it's been ordered for the umpteenth time to wank off the husband whilst his wife pops to Sainsbury's.

I keep hearing a George Michael song+I sing along to it happily but have never known which song it is. Apparently, it's 'Father Figure'. Reason I didn't know this is because I've been singing "I will be your bottom feeder" and never even questioned it.

I need to put mascara on to go out but I keep crying at videos of military horses knowing to be gentle with disabled people and people with special needs. No, *you're* stressed and hormonal.

This year, we have retired our old and tattered Christmas tree and invested in a posh new one. It comes with silky gloves to put it up with and I don't think I've ever felt so fancy.

With 'Stranger Things' being everywhere right now, it reminded me that 3yrs ago, my then 11yo son got mobbed by a group of teenage girls who genuinely thought he was the actor who played Will Byers. Felt like it was a bit of a kick in the teeth for my amateur mum hairdressing skills.

🎵 We're having a....... ..... we're having a ball 🎵

Lovely that Judy Finnegan could make it.

Nothing more Christmassy than opening your presents around the creepy old lady in 'The Others'.

As a VERY last resort, I used our school software's AI help today Not only does it respond like a heavily abused Dobby from Harry Potter but when it finally tried to do what I asked, it just made shit up. Told me the only member of Latin Club was a student suspiciously called 'Marcus Aurelius'.

A while ago, I saw a post asking for songs that people automatically mash together without thinking. At the time, I knew there was one I always did but couldn't remember what it was. Just remembered....

Counterpoint: 11 things we women couldn't give less of a shit about.

Misread this headline for a second and nearly cracked open my stand-by bottle of champagne. Well played, substack thingy. You got me.

Every time I've passed a colleague in the corridor today, I feel like I've waved at them like Mr Tumble whilst saying "Hiiiyaaa" in a manner that reminds me far too much of the "Bye bye, Driver" meme lady. Not the best combination.

Researching my family tree, I've stumbled upon so many sad stories. But, of all the heartbreaking things I've discovered, this small letter touched me the most and always sticks in my head. My 2xGt Grandma, desperate to know about her son, Harry and hanging hopes on rumours.

Guy Fawkes' signature before & after watching the final episode of Celebrity Traitors. #celebritytraitors #thetraitors #traitors

Still reeling from colleague saying "I'm not usually racist, but...." before saying how she'd hardly seen any white faces in town at the w/end+that they were all immigrants. Told her with a smile that I don't see a prob with that+I'd rather have a million immigrants rather than one single racist

Just saw a sweet idea - a special paper to stick on windows, let your kids draw on it and it imprints the drawings as white on the glass. Then, I remembered I have teenage boys so it would just be a festive panorama of cock and balls.

Given the cough I'm still battling with and the fact my pelvic floor is not what it once was, my Halloween costume this year is going to be Anne Sellors in Threads.

I've just ordered something from 'Must Have Ideas' called 'Nanna's Secret'. 99% sure it's a product to combat limescale and not Nicky Campbell turning up on my doorstep to tell me about a relative I had no idea about.

Big 'Dictionary Corner' vibes from Putin here. Looks like he's just explained to Dave from Runcorn that he could have had an 8 if he'd spotted "Ubiquity", and is seconds from launching into a cheeky poem about the dangers of high-rise windows to take us into the next commercial break.

Glanced up as this chap on Antiques Roadshow said his Mum used to keep this on her mantelpiece. For a split second, I thought "bloody hell, I'm not surprised you were amazed".

Just freaked myself out looking at a photo from today thinking I'd caught a shadow person on camera. Zoomed in and it's just me in a reflection, looking one step away from Sadako in 'The Ring'.

There was a man opposite me on the tube wearing tiny little jogging shorts. He was man-spreading SO expansively, I feel I could have given him a comprehensive testicle health-check from a metre away. And no, I wasn't staring...they seemed to be in my field of vision matter where I looked.

After a truly shitty week, I'm now primed and ready to spend the afternoon feeding my soul by laughing lots...and potentially coughing like a Victorian with consumption.

Not 100% sure that attending a podcast festival when I have an awful cough triggered mostly by laughter is the best idea. My bag is packed with cough sweets and I'll sit near an exit in case I need to cough up a lung and make a swift exit.

Slightly odd cashier in the Co-op (who is basically Tim Key's character in Plebs) misheard what I said about broccoli and enthusiastically asked me what type of dog I had. I could have put him straight but chose instead to tell him all about the imaginary dog I don't actually have. Of course.

If ever there was a song equivalent to a clammy, weak handshake, or a wet fart,..... it's Mr fucking Wendal.