Just freaked myself out looking at a photo from today thinking I'd caught a shadow person on camera. Zoomed in and it's just me in a reflection, looking one step away from Sadako in 'The Ring'.

There was a man opposite me on the tube wearing tiny little jogging shorts. He was man-spreading SO expansively, I feel I could have given him a comprehensive testicle health-check from a metre away. And no, I wasn't staring...they seemed to be in my field of vision matter where I looked.

After a truly shitty week, I'm now primed and ready to spend the afternoon feeding my soul by laughing lots...and potentially coughing like a Victorian with consumption.

Not 100% sure that attending a podcast festival when I have an awful cough triggered mostly by laughter is the best idea. My bag is packed with cough sweets and I'll sit near an exit in case I need to cough up a lung and make a swift exit.

Slightly odd cashier in the Co-op (who is basically Tim Key's character in Plebs) misheard what I said about broccoli and enthusiastically asked me what type of dog I had. I could have put him straight but chose instead to tell him all about the imaginary dog I don't actually have. Of course.

If ever there was a song equivalent to a clammy, weak handshake, or a wet fart,..... it's Mr fucking Wendal.

Visual representation of my crushing workload. Think it's time to look for a new job.

Why is the Grim Reaper taking all the good and decent people who have actually contributed to the world when there's a fat orange fuck in Washington and a rat-faced shit-bag in Moscow more than ripe for the picking?! Leave the good'uns alone!

This is always what I imagine ChatGPT is doing behind the scenes when I attempt to explain my latest Excel formula problem in long, garbled paragraphs and it summarises it back to me in less than 10 words.

🎶🎵Here we go again, here we go, go, go to the temple of corruption🎵🎶

My colleague just told me that a little boy had such an innocent expression that "butter wouldn't melt on his face".

Bedknobs and Broomsticks reboot but instead of a load of re-animated suits of armour appearing on the horizon, it's a batallion of Thatcher's old outfits. Terror ensues, roll credits in stunned silence.

America's version of University Challenge looks shit.

Because he's never truly felt the horn?

Whispering, nodding and pointing with immense gravitas when visiting a National Trust property for fear of invoking the disdain of the 80yr old volunteer, whilst simultaneously all avoiding eye contact which may lead to an inescapable conversation about 18th century ceiling mouldings.

This is so true. This is my version of it from 1997. The dated little table, the ancient, filthy sofa you can't quite see and the joyous pile-on to get in frame (you hoped) before the timer went off. Happy days.

While we're all talking about free speech, in 2022 I replied to a Trump-related tweet of Elon Musk and got this warning message. Another example of "We're allowed to shit on anyone we like but how dare you be mean to ME!".

Idle thought - the number of schools that are benefitting from highly educated+over qualified women who had their careers torpedoed by parenthood+who ended up having to find work that fits around school hols to handle childcare. I'm one of them and I know a LOT them. Great for schools though eh?

Oh God, I've just had a first name/surname mix up and sent an email to "Mr Ron" like a low-rent Basil Brush.

There were only three people in the room when this photo was taken.

I was ahead of my time. I managed to look like a dick for a fraction of the price by getting a free pair of comedy specs with my Oink magazine in 1986. Take that, Zuckerberg.

"I said they are just ordinary people with legitimate concerns, peacefully protesting. What did I say Roy?" "You said they're a bunch of far right racist twats"

90% of the crowd at today's low IQ flag wanker gathering.

Have a much needed clear out of my phone photos. You can see where I was going with this little collection.

The only answer you need is that autistic people are fucking incredible in more ways than you could even count up to, you gibbering orange sack of hate-infused shit.

Heel-toe, heel-toe, shuffle bull change, shuffle bull change, shuffle bull change, STAMP. *Totally aware this might only make sense to anyone who did their tap exam with me in 1982

It's very kind of Duolingo to prepare me for my first day back at work.

Given we haven't seen him without a daft hat for ages, is he going to do a Professor Quirrell style reveal by whipping off his hat to reveal Putin's face growing out of the back of his necrotic head?

Rudy Giuliani crashing his car because his cheap hair dye ran into his eyes.

Thanks to my inability to throw clothes away, I can smugly ignore ads like this. I've just been to Sainsbury's in tie dye harem trousers I bought in 1992. Take that, Gen Z.

Ongoing status in our house.

He's looking more and more like shit every day. Eyes like haunted vaginas.

"People have been saying that a hippo took an apricot, a guava and even a mango....the biggest mango you've ever seen, you wouldn't believe it. The best mango, so many mangoes."

Not feeling very well so watching 'Long Lost Family' under a blanket. My face is swinging wildly between these two expressions approx every 5mins.

This year, it's 30yrs since I first went to Reading Festival. It was hot, dusty and to my 19yr old music-mad mind......magical. I hope all those going for the first time this year have an absolute ball and keep in mind how fast 30yrs will slip through your fingers. *sobs into cushion*

His intent couldn't sound more nefarious if he'd said "do you want to see some puppies? They're in the back of my white van".

Bloody hell, Amazon - you've been asking me this about ten times a day for weeks now. I went to University 30yrs ago but thanks so much for making me feel old and mourn for long-gone care-free times multiple times a freaking day.

Got interrupted mid-task by a WhatsApp msg After replying, I couldn't remember what the task had been - only that it was important. Finally remembered. I wanted to double check my suspicion that Markwayne Mullin looks like Ben Affleck having an allergic reaction to shellfish. Reader, he does.

Well, I wouldn't like to say...

I've just seen a clip of the old 'Tomorrow's World' episode that floated the idea of the Internet. Not only do I clearly remember watching it at the time, I also clearly remember saying it would never take off because, and I quote,....."who would bother to put anything on it".

This Roman blind at our holiday cottage reminded me of lifting your arms up too fast while wearing an ill-fitting bra.

I think there are more pressing reasons I wouldn't use this chair above it being old and delicate.

Visited Chillingham Castle today and think I found part of the Epstein files.

Played 'Articulate Phrases' with my parents and kids last night. The phrase we were trying to guess was "Wrack your brain". We'd got the word 'brain'+my son (the describer) said "think of a slang word for boobs". With the timer ticking down, my lovely mum panicked and shouted "BRAIN TITS!!".

If you're not looking at this and saying "filthy bitch" in a strong Scottish accent then you're a better person than I. #holidaycottagedecor

Irritating film trope: if you're an intelligent female who's socially awkward+poss on the spectrum, then you're clumsy as fuck+constantly fall over in an elaborate, comedic manner Believe me, the stealthy ninja-style skills brought on by the desire to move around unseen would never let this happen

Just asked my 14yo if I could trim his hair before he got in the shower. He groaned, threw his head back with a pained expression and said "why are you giving me dilemmas that are making it harder for me to liiiiiiiiiiive?"

Impossible to read the bit in brackets without using Matt Berry's voice.

Superdrug: "Are you sure the pink balloons won't look like the product is wedged between massive bum cheeks?" Photographer: ".....kind of sure"

Really glad I'm constantly turning lights off and trying to save energy so that Facebook can keep serving up AI dogshit like Van Gogh copping off with the Mona Lisa.